Skip to main content

Love

Dear everyone
I hope you are all having a very Merry Christmas, I hope you are all safe, with your families and I hope you are all well. I want to take this opportunity - in case you don't all already know - to tell you all how much I love and value you and how much you all touch my hearts everyday. I hope you know that I am walking and cheering you every step of the way until you reach your dreams....






* * *


I am so thankful for this cyber somewhere over the rainbow. Our buzzwords: 'beauty', 'perfection', 'thin' - they are so socially unacceptable - not right to think - not right to believe in or desire.
All I hear is their anger, whenever I explain that I want to be perfect.
"You should be happy and accept yourself as you are."
"BUT WHY?! I know I can be better than this, so why shouldn't I work to be better? Why should I accept myself in this lowly state? - WHAT is so wrong about wanting to better myself and strive for perfection?!"
It's the same argument I have with every person, the same old argument - I never get given a good reason, just the same good prejudice.
But here - you all understand - perfection - why I want and need it - and you all support it. It's so special.





I have thrown up 7 times in the last 48 hours.


The stench of vomit won't wash off from my fingers.








I just need to write that, so I cannot escape from how humiliating it is. The evil part of me took over.




Nothing inside me until I go to him. I predict 7th January. No, make it the 8th - two weeks, exactly two weeks - nothing. It's a game, just a silly game that is a matter of life and death.
I don't care if I die, as long as I die drowning.



Wait... I'm sorry that's not very festive.



Here's what I say:
Exercise. Sweat. Work. Everyday for the next two weeks - there is no room for weakness.
Harder, faster, stronger - until my body is burning up.
The mind is just a substance that needs to be controlled. The body is just a lump of matter that needs to be defined.
I love you all so much. I love my body. I love everything about this world and I want to be a beautiful part of it.
I will not destroy anything anymore. Everything must be beautiful. Everything I do must be for the pursuit of beautiful perfection.
No more sickness for my body; just love, just care, just beautiful.
Only simple, natural foods are beautiful enough for my body. Carbohydrates, fat, processed sugar - are all evil and foul. My body craves exercise, it sends me on a glorious high. I must never come down.

I want to be so light that I walk in the snow and leave no footprints.


One day :)


...soon
Labels:

Comments

  1. Geist Bites26 December 2009 at 00:09

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Geist Bites26 December 2009 at 00:10

    Inter-denominational best wishes.

    Stay cool. I know I always say that, but what am I meant to say?

    trustyourtechnolust.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  3. JK26 December 2009 at 00:47

    it's great that you found someone, D, though you say he's taking your valuable study time. i wonder what happened to the half-japanese guy? anyway... merry christmas

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous26 December 2009 at 02:01

    The first time I came across your blog, I was watching a thinspo that was set to the music of Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michelson's 'Winter Song'.
    It's a pretty song, worth checking out. Merry Christmas, and thanks for always writing.

    ReplyDelete
  5. V26 December 2009 at 05:10

    Just stay motivated. Seek the perfection that YOU want, regardless of what the world may think.

    ReplyDelete
  6. the puppet26 December 2009 at 08:56

    i've just been following your blog since i started my own blog a few weeks ago and i'm liking it so much... hope u achieve ur goals... merry christmas!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ana's Girl26 December 2009 at 14:48

    You can do it! I know you can!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Liz Anatasia26 December 2009 at 19:55

    Footprints if my favorite motivation <3 especially good right now with all the snow and ice, stay beautiful

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anonymous26 December 2009 at 22:01

    Hi, I'm new to the Pro-ana blog thing, but I just wamted to say that you write beautifully. You also managed to pinpoint my exact feelings about this whole thing in this post. Why shouldn't I be perfect? Don't I deserve it?
    Well, I hope you stay motivated and merry late Christmas!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Holly27 December 2009 at 18:43

    Ophelia, you're right about everything. And I love you more than anything. Let's do this. For us.

    x x x

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous28 December 2009 at 21:00

    your right about the whole argument thing! You stay strong, YOU know what you want and YOU can achieve it! good luck

    Creative
    x

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)

Popular posts from this blog

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead, I think I made you up inside my head

There are tears stinging the backs of my eyelids every time I shut my eyes to pause. This world is hurting me so much. The truth is, I'm living, I'm so very much alive, so fit, so healthy, at my peak... except I'm doing it for the spectres that haunt me and keep my blood running so cold. I am a living eating disorder. That's it. There's nothing else left in my head anymore. You know, I'd give anything, to update my facebook status to say really 'what's on my mind'. Don't you ever just want to scream at the top of your voice. "PLEASE HELP ME. Underneath this pretty blush and giddy personality I'm dying, I'm torturing myself, I'm killing myself. Please fucking help me." I've reached the stage where I can't eat anything without throwing it up. The only reason I'm not losing weight is because my initial intake is so much that I can't be getting even half the calories back up anymore. I'm 22 years old and my l...
19 comments
Read more

Dear Non-ED (a.k.a. 'normal') Friends...

So, it appears that the girls at law school still count me as a friend after my excessive drunkenness last week. But friends - female friends - they come at such a price for the eating disordered... I'm at the college all day, everyday - a lecture first thing in the morning and a workshop last thing in the afternoon - which means that we have a four-hour break in the middle. Since my very first day I've spent these four-hour breaks with a bunch of girls in my lecture group - and while they are really nice and I'm so grateful beyond belief that I made friends so quickly, it's a MASSIVE struggle for me. Having an eating disorder is so easy when you spend most of your time by yourself - no-one gives a damn if you ate and no-one knows any better if you did or you didn't. Having an eating disorder is shit when you have to pretend to be all smiley and normal all day long. It's shit when you have to spend lunchtime with your 'friends' who constantly talk about...
21 comments
Read more

'I'm glad the rain is coming down hard. It is how I feel. I love you so.'

I know my posts are starting to become really sporadic. I apologise. I'm trying to live... trying to be busy... perhaps I'm trying to run Anyway. "I regret to inform you that the Medical Board has decided, having reviewed your medical history ....you do not meet the medical entry standards." I got turned away from two careers this week. The first I had to have an interview with a doctor. The second I had to have an interview with a psychiatrist. I couldn't lie my way out. I tried. I have to thank Mia. I have to thank my body. No one wants to employ someone with a 'history' of mental illness. Even though I lied and told them I was cured now. It's still there. It will always be a black mark by my name, no matter how I try to put a gloss on it. It's still a blip on my character. It says I'm unstable. It says I'm weak. It says unemployable . Anorexics are turned down because: "It is impossible to predict the 20% of sufferers who m...
17 comments
Read more