Skip to main content

Letting go


"I can't let go of Theo because he's the first guy I've ever met who really sees who I am inside. He doesn't just look at me like all the other guys have done before, he understands who I am, what I've been through and what makes me beautiful. That's why I can't walk away from him."

"I know how you feel," my friend said to me over a cocktail, "I've been there, it's so hard to let them go."


The next day she came into work and sat down at her desk opposite mine.
"You know Ophelia, I had a revelation last night, it just came to me..."
"What?"
"You know these men that we can't let go of because we think they really understand us? We're wrong - they don't. Because if they really did know us, they wouldn't treat us the way they do."

I stood, letting her words sink in slowly.
"You're so right... If Theo really knew me, really understood my pain, he'd wrap me up in cotton wool and never let me go..."



Comments

  1. AVY29 April 2012 at 00:39

    I don't think anyone can ever get you completely, the question is how close they can come.


    /Avy

    http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com

    ♥

    ReplyDelete
  2. désespérée de maigrir29 April 2012 at 00:44

    If only I could get this through my head and heart. Bravo to you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous2 May 2012 at 15:12

    I think your friend hit the nail on the head. You're killing yourself for him, right before his eyes, and yet, he continues to commit the actions feed your own self harm...If he really understood you, if he really cared completely, he wouldn't continually hurt you like this.

    ReplyDelete
  4. notapplicable25 May 2012 at 16:15

    it's been a while since you've written - I hope the days have been treating you well. <3

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)

Popular posts from this blog

Dear Non-ED (a.k.a. 'normal') Friends...

So, it appears that the girls at law school still count me as a friend after my excessive drunkenness last week. But friends - female friends - they come at such a price for the eating disordered... I'm at the college all day, everyday - a lecture first thing in the morning and a workshop last thing in the afternoon - which means that we have a four-hour break in the middle. Since my very first day I've spent these four-hour breaks with a bunch of girls in my lecture group - and while they are really nice and I'm so grateful beyond belief that I made friends so quickly, it's a MASSIVE struggle for me. Having an eating disorder is so easy when you spend most of your time by yourself - no-one gives a damn if you ate and no-one knows any better if you did or you didn't. Having an eating disorder is shit when you have to pretend to be all smiley and normal all day long. It's shit when you have to spend lunchtime with your 'friends' who constantly talk about...
21 comments
Read more

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead, I think I made you up inside my head

There are tears stinging the backs of my eyelids every time I shut my eyes to pause. This world is hurting me so much. The truth is, I'm living, I'm so very much alive, so fit, so healthy, at my peak... except I'm doing it for the spectres that haunt me and keep my blood running so cold. I am a living eating disorder. That's it. There's nothing else left in my head anymore. You know, I'd give anything, to update my facebook status to say really 'what's on my mind'. Don't you ever just want to scream at the top of your voice. "PLEASE HELP ME. Underneath this pretty blush and giddy personality I'm dying, I'm torturing myself, I'm killing myself. Please fucking help me." I've reached the stage where I can't eat anything without throwing it up. The only reason I'm not losing weight is because my initial intake is so much that I can't be getting even half the calories back up anymore. I'm 22 years old and my l...
19 comments
Read more

"Here I am, sane and dry"

"I stayed there, staring at myself in the glass. What do I want to cry about?.... On the contrary, it's when l am quite sane like this, when I have had a couple of extra drinks and am quite sane, that I realize how lucky I am. Saved, rescued, fished-up, half drowned, out of the deep, dark river, dry clothes, hair shampooed and set. Nobody would know I had ever been in it. Except, of course, that there always remains something. Yes, there always remains something....Never mind, here I am, sane and dry, with my place to hide in. What more do I want?....I'm a bit of an automaton, but sane, surely - dry, cold and sane. Now I have forgotten about dark streets, dark rivers, the pain, the struggle and the drowning...." Jean Rhys, Good Morning, Midnight
4 comments
Read more