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Showing posts from March, 2010

UPDATE POST #4 - Alex, Where Do We Go From Here?

Apologies for being absent for so long. The past week has been... crazy, emotional, sleepless... exciting.
I've been writing everything in my notebook - It's been necessary for me to still write about everything even though I have been unable to sit down at a computer and update this blog. So, what follows are my entries and self-analysis from the past week, dated when they were originally written...

(Do read them in order if you can from #1 to #4!)


Wednesday 24th March - Where Do We Go From Here?

So, last night (Tuesday) I came out to see Alex while he was with some of our mutual friends at the Club.
I was worried at first - I was scared to go in and hovered outside for several minutes... what if he ignores me, what if he doesn't come and speak to me, what if he acts like all the other guys do after they've got what they wanted out of me?
I needn't have worried - of course I needn't - Alex isn't like any other guy.
I walked in and looked around. He saw me immedia…

UPDATE POST #3 - Alex and a Change of Heart

Apologies for being absent for so long. The past week has been... crazy, emotional, sleepless... exciting.
I've been writing everything in my notebook - It's been necessary for me to still write about everything even though I have been unable to sit down at a computer and update this blog. So, what follows are my entries and self-analysis from the past week, dated when they were originally written...



Tuesday 23rd March - Alexand a Change of Heart

Alex -I've always been attracted to him. I flirted - a lot. But then I flirt with a lot of guys... I never hinted at a progression beyond that. Yes, I was attracted to him more than any of the other guys at the Club who flirted with me, but I didn't want a progression beyond flirting. Not only because I was so blinded by and focused on D, but also because Alex is a first year at the Club. He's my junior. It's not done.
I'm 22 and a half years old. When I met him last month, he was still 18 - and he's just turned 19…

UPDATE POST #2 - The Club, D and things as they stand

Apologies for being absent for so long. The past week has been... crazy, emotional, sleepless... exciting.
I've been writing everything in my notebook - It's been necessary for me to still write about everything even though I have been unable to sit down at a computer and update this blog. So, what follows are my entries and self-analysis from the past week, dated when they were originally written...
Monday 22nd March - Things As They Stand
I've known a few guys who would have given the world for Ophelia - they would have been great boyfriends to me... But I never deemed them good enough. Conversely, I have known many, many more guys who wanted nothing to do with me - except conquer me for a quick meaningless shag. So yes, I've been liked by so many guys, some superficially, some more deeply.
People who don't know me can't believe I've been single for nearly four years now. Four years. It's true; I've been the subject of so much male attention and yet so…

UPDATE POST #1 - What really pushed me over the edge two years ago?

Apologies for being absent for so long. The past week has been... crazy, emotional, sleepless... exciting.

I've been writing everything in my notebook - It's been necessary for me to still write about everything even though I have been unable to sit down at a computer and update this blog. So, what follows are my entries and self-analysis from the past week, dated when they were originally written...


Sunday 21st March - Analysing the Past

You know, all of this would be so much easier if I had someone... If I had someone who loved me, I think I could cope. I think it would all be alright... If I had someone... someone who truly loved me.
I wish I had a rock; someone I could turn to when I was in need, someone to hold me tight, shield me, dote on me...
But I am too fussy - too much of a disaster - but most of all, I'm scared of the pain.
If he were to leave me or betray me, it would kill me. I know I could never take that pain of heartbreak.

What really pushed me over the edg…

Objectifying Ophelia

It feels like I've been away forever.
In reality it's been what, 3 weeks?

I don't want to talk about my mother. I don't want to talk about what happened.
She hasn't forgotten, but she doesn't want to admit it.
I found myself in the darkest most chilling place... and I really, simply wanted to die. But I didn't. It takes more than that to kill me. I'm a fighter, remember.


But I had to come back here. It's odd, it's almost as if it was a resistance... I had to resist the urge to come back and write.
But I need this blog too much. I need it to keep me as grounded as it is possible for me to be.
I want to thank everyone who gave me support on the last post, and on all my posts throughout the 14 months I've been blogging. I know I'm terrible at replying, but I intend to catch up very soon.

There is so much to update you all on since I've been gone.
All the events in the past three weeks seemed dramatic at the time, and yet, now seem so irrelevant.…