A Head Full of Beauty

Let me fill in some gaps. Everything has been so strained and emotional lately that I haven't had time to talk about my life - not my head - my life. It's just been depressing, emotional, despondent post after post without a word on what has been actually going on around me - outside my swirling mind. So I need to tell you what has been happening. I didn't do my exams. In fact, I didn't do a day of revision. So, nearly two weeks ago, at 9am, as everyone else in my class opened up their first exam paper, I was sitting waiting for my first interview.  I'd had enough. I couldn't do it. Weak. Yes. I was weak - I had no intention of fighting or trying. I was too exhausted by everything. I had stopped caring about myself and my life. Alex had been doing his exams for the two weeks before this, I was on 'revision leave', and I was sitting at home, dying. No really, really, just dying. I let it be. Yes, I let it be. Sit and rot. Do nothing except watch your...

This is the bare bones: I want to recover. But I want to be thin first. It's been a bad week. Uncontrolled crying. In public. I can't I can't Why can't I get better. Alex. I cried myself sick, over and over again. I couldn't stop it. Crying hysterically in front of everyone and anyone... because of him. Not because he upset me - no. Quite the opposite. He's perfect. And his perfection, his beauty, his innocence, it hurts me so much. I don't know why. Or maybe, it's because I know: I have to end it. I have to. He's killing me. It's all killing me. Starving. Eating. Throwing Up. Binging. Laxatives. Restricting. Exercising. Sick. Sick. Sick I'm supposed to be going to a posh dinner as his guest tomorrow evening. And I can't. I can't. I can't put on a pretty dress that exposes the fat on my back, my huge arms and a tummy that sticks out 5 inches. I can't do my hair nice when it frames such a podgy and puffy...

I'm trying to work out exactly where my life went from bulimic, dull, law-student to starving, vivacious, teenager... (again).... ...Oh that was it, meeting D and deciding to stay at ''the Club'' and socialise with them... I am back to being the crazy, drunk, fun-loving girl I was at University (as a result of being a member of "the Club'' at university.) Ohh I managed to resist the temptations of a lustful life for so long! I came to London and law school with such good intentions! I even came to "the Club'' in London with good intentions - to be boring, and do my job and go home! I avoided all men and all alcohol. (If you read all my old posts back, you'll see, if it hadn't been for me sleeping with Hugh last week, I'd be about to hit a one year dry spell in the sex department!) But now, men and lust and alcohol are back in my life with a vengeance - reminding me just how much I missed them. And my flirty, hedonistic persona...

Presenting Problem: Ophelia presented with symptoms of severe depression and severe levels of anxiety (as indicated by scores of 22 on the PHQ 9 and 17 on the GAD7 respectively). Ophelia told me that she is obsessed with her weight and how she looks. Ophelia explained that she will restrict her food for a few days, and then will eat a lot and vomit afterwards. Ophelia said that this is having an impact on her studies, and she won't go out to lectures if she is feeling particularly bad about her appearance. Risk Issues: Ophelia said that she often has thoughts of suicide, but said that she would never act on those thoughts. Ophelia also explained that she does self-harm about once a fortnight. She told me that these cuts are fairly superficial, and she has never needed medical treatment for them. Treatment Plan: Ophelia and I agreed that I would refer her for a further assessment with one of our high intensity therapists. In the meantime, I have sent Ophelia some self-help materials...

This blog is now one year old! I can't believe it. Over 300 followers and still writing. So I am going to take you back to where it all began... In the Autumn term of my final year at University I chose a module in Literary Theory and Trauma. One of our projects was to analyse some blogs - so naturally I decided upon an eating disorder one. My google search at the time came up with one: Dying to be Thin - Anaregzig - The queen of all pro- ana bloggers . I read it from beginning to end. And that's when I found that a sanctuary for me did exist - here. I didn't start up my own blog until the end of term, after Christmas. I never intended it to be 'pro- ana ' and still don't, really. I just wanted to write freely. I wanted to be able to express exactly what was going on inside my head, exactly what I wanted and believed and exactly who I was, without the fear of social prejudice. My desires then are the same as they are now: - I want to recover and be normal. -...

It has, generally, been a very good week. I averaged at about 600 calories every day. Well, until last night and today – where I hit about 2000 in some relief binging – or whatever. Yes I am pissed off at myself. But no, I am not going to binge and moan and binge some more. I had a good week. Overall. I had a week off from law school so I was on a work experience placement at a law firm in my favourite part of the City. Oh I had forgotten how wonderful it is to feel hungry!! Constantly fighting away that constant twist inside with a smile of delight. Oh my God I’m shrinking! Visibly - I can see it! I went right back to the glorious days when I was 15 - exactly the same diet - Half a sandwich at lunch, half a sandwich at dinner, and a piece of chicken/fish with vegetables/fruit. Gloriiiiiious! I can't believe it, I'm finally getting back to the way I once was. So yes, today I ate – two whole actual meals – and biscuits – and then threw up twice. Now I was NOT bulimic when I was ...

I’ ve fallen for the most beautiful guy. And nothing hurts more. I’ ve still got the scars from the last time I fell… all the times I have fallen. My heart is aching - more than the tearing muscles in my over-exercised legs. I hate it when I have feelings for a guy. There is simply nothing worse. Whenever I like a guy – every time I like a guy – it means heartache, insecurity, tears, binging, self-harm, anxiety, despair. In other words, for me, men are synonymous with pain. All the worst periods of my life – those darkest, bleakest times where I prayed I wouldn ’t wake up in the morning – came off the back of heartbreak. I keep trying to put him out of my head. It’s ridiculous that I like him. It’s ridiculous that I have NO control over my emotions. How can my heart govern my senses so completely? He’s half Japanese, half English - Eurasian like me, but with more tan and unbelievably incredible green eyes. He’s a petite guy – so not most girls cup of tea – but to me… well… how can I ...

I'm on Camp. Somewhere in some bleak, uninhabited part of rural Northern England. Just under two weeks to go... I meant to post before I left but didn't have the time. God I hate being away from home and internet! I'm currently paying £1 for this 30 minute connection in the bar so I can write. I thought this camp would be a great opportunity for me to get away from all the temptations of the kitchen at home. I have to eat three meals a day with the rest of the people that I work with. So no snacks and no opportunities to buy or binge on food when I get weak. I get here and am given the itinery. Massive piss ups almost every night with my team, led by guys with beer guts three times the size of the rest of them. Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol - the most calorific thing on the planet... that makes my belly swell and makes me crave food and makes me lose control of my willpower to restrict. Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol... that is all these people do! Oh and when they're not drinki...

Apologies for the long, long absence. Well...it's been two weeks - but it feels like months! I have some SERIOUS catching up to do with you all, I hope you are all staying strong and I promise to read all your blogs in the next few days. I know I say it time and time again, but I couldn't do this without you all, you're all so kind and supportive to me and you've never even met me! It really means a lot. So, what has happened in these last two weeks then? Well, I guess I'd better start with that party I was preparing for when I wrote my last entry. All the weight I lost for that has gone straight back on. I don't even want to talk about it. I came home and binged constantly for three days straight. All that hard work. Thrown away. I dunno what I can write about that party anymore. Did I look thin? Did I look pretty? Did 'C' want me? I don't know. I can only tell you that in my head I looked fat, my belly stuck out, my cheeks were chubby, my calves we...

I hate the icky side effects of a starvation diet. My hands are cold and clammy; the skin on my arms is dull and papery. My shoulders droop with weakness, I couldn’t lift anything at the moment. I’m just so tired. I must apologise for not commenting/replying in the last few weeks, I've only been getting on the computer at work and am a bit paranoid about having a computer screen of ED sites. I'm finishing this week so I promise I will catch up!! I’ve had some incredible resolve recently in order to get these sickly starvation side-effects. There's a big party at work tonight. I knew I had to starve for it. I have to look thin tonight; have to look beautiful; have to look the best; have to look perfect; have to make ‘C’ want me. ...I didn’t think he would have been invited. Then he told me on Monday morning that had been invited and was indeed coming, so I haven’t eaten since except for some cucumbers, tomatoes and apples. I’ve been pumping the laxatives as well to clear tha...

Well, I have reached my lowest weight for about six months! I am officially back to my pre -Christmas weight! Not entirely a cause for celebration as I was still unhappy before Christmas...but at least I am well and truly on the road of progression! The only slight problem is that I have gone from being a laxative virgin to being slightly addicted...can’t go a day without having at least one BUT my tummy is so gloriously flat! I know that the second I stop taking the little cream-coloured pills I’ll start inflating again and to be honest I’m quite enjoying fitting into all my pretty little dresses in this lovely warm weather! Once I lose another 10 pounds or so, I’ll be able to come off the laxatives without fear of food inside me causing too much of an extra bulge. The current object of my affections, 'C', who I talked about in my last post is not in today, so I’m able to wear a plain red dress and not stress too much about my face – which is just as well because I don’t look ...

Sometimes, I feel like I have two friends: Ana and Mia. Ana and Mia are constantly fighting over me because they both want to be my best friend - but obviously, I can only be friends with one at a time. When I spend too much time with Ana, Mia comes along and pushes her aside, and no matter how much I try to go back to Ana, I still like Mia too much to leave her straight away. Well, I decided last year, that Mia was a possessive bitch who only wanted to be friends with me in order to destroy me. Ana is my guardian angel - she wants the best for me. But despite this, Mia is still always hanging around outside...knocking on the door, begging me to let her back in... (and no I'm not hallucinatory, I don't really think they are real people :p ) MIA = BINGE = PURGE = BINGE I'd say the biggest threat to perfection and thinness is the big BINGE - that trance-like state where you just eat... and everything you stand for is forgotten... I don't really get why people enjoy being ...