A Head Full of Beauty

Something amazing has been happening. In three weeks I've lost 4kg. I even had a small binge last night on rice cakes and peanut butter only to find that the numbers were still down on the scales this morning. How I have missed this feeling. I feel sick. Hunched up as my stomach churns with acidity. I'm not walking, I'm shuffling. Another 10k run in the sun has re-blistered the weeping wounds on my feet. Pain . I feel so sick... but, if i threw up what the hell would come out? Some chicken breast, coffee, acid... But I can't stop, because I'm falling, at last, I'm falling, falling, rising back up to my best. God help me, I couldn't eat even if I wanted to. I've finally dragged my sorry, fat corpse right out of the mud at the bottom of the river and now I can be rational again. Last year I let myself be consumed by bulimia, by a stupid little boy, by social conventions which choked and smothered me. Well, here I am, it took me a fucking long t...

I think that sometimes, my drunken posts (which have been few) are some of the best. So here is my two pence drunken thoughts for this evening (morning). I have just completed three days of the Dukan Diet (my three days of the attack phase of pure protein only.) Day one, admittedly was a struggle. I smelt like protein - fish scent and poultry odour pouring from my very pores. It was hard. But I did it. Day two was easier, but still smelt like a piece of rotton protein. Day three and I'm thinking I could go on like this forever were it apart from the fact that I would kill for an apple. At lunch, I swished the food around my plate to make it look like I was eating and maintained the most wonderful air of superiority and self control - just like the good old days. Originially, several years ago, the bulimia spread from this girl who couldn't handle nightclubs and men and mirrors all in one go. I used to do it over and over and over again to myself, the torture, boys and mus...

This blog is my crazy space. It is the only place in the world, where I can be crazy. - Or rather, it is the one place in the world where I can talk, uncensored, about my crazy behaviour in the real world. Sometimes - as with the story I am about to tell - some people see my crazy behaviour - but you guys get the full picture. I suppose, what I'm saying is that this blog is not just about my eating disorder. It's about the terrible insecurities in my head, the reckless behaviour and the irrationality that comes from my mental instability - All the things that have created my eating disorder and which are also borne from my eating disorder - Body dysmorphic disorder, need for male attention, shopping addiction, obsessions, reckless drunkeness ... the list of abnormalities goes on. Now, 'The Club'. I've mentioned it in posts before, but feel I should explain it better for the purpose of this story. I was a member of 'The Club' at my university in another par...

It has, generally, been a very good week. I averaged at about 600 calories every day. Well, until last night and today – where I hit about 2000 in some relief binging – or whatever. Yes I am pissed off at myself. But no, I am not going to binge and moan and binge some more. I had a good week. Overall. I had a week off from law school so I was on a work experience placement at a law firm in my favourite part of the City. Oh I had forgotten how wonderful it is to feel hungry!! Constantly fighting away that constant twist inside with a smile of delight. Oh my God I’m shrinking! Visibly - I can see it! I went right back to the glorious days when I was 15 - exactly the same diet - Half a sandwich at lunch, half a sandwich at dinner, and a piece of chicken/fish with vegetables/fruit. Gloriiiiiious! I can't believe it, I'm finally getting back to the way I once was. So yes, today I ate – two whole actual meals – and biscuits – and then threw up twice. Now I was NOT bulimic when I was ...

Apologies for the long, long absence. Well...it's been two weeks - but it feels like months! I have some SERIOUS catching up to do with you all, I hope you are all staying strong and I promise to read all your blogs in the next few days. I know I say it time and time again, but I couldn't do this without you all, you're all so kind and supportive to me and you've never even met me! It really means a lot. So, what has happened in these last two weeks then? Well, I guess I'd better start with that party I was preparing for when I wrote my last entry. All the weight I lost for that has gone straight back on. I don't even want to talk about it. I came home and binged constantly for three days straight. All that hard work. Thrown away. I dunno what I can write about that party anymore. Did I look thin? Did I look pretty? Did 'C' want me? I don't know. I can only tell you that in my head I looked fat, my belly stuck out, my cheeks were chubby, my calves we...

I hate the icky side effects of a starvation diet. My hands are cold and clammy; the skin on my arms is dull and papery. My shoulders droop with weakness, I couldn’t lift anything at the moment. I’m just so tired. I must apologise for not commenting/replying in the last few weeks, I've only been getting on the computer at work and am a bit paranoid about having a computer screen of ED sites. I'm finishing this week so I promise I will catch up!! I’ve had some incredible resolve recently in order to get these sickly starvation side-effects. There's a big party at work tonight. I knew I had to starve for it. I have to look thin tonight; have to look beautiful; have to look the best; have to look perfect; have to make ‘C’ want me. ...I didn’t think he would have been invited. Then he told me on Monday morning that had been invited and was indeed coming, so I haven’t eaten since except for some cucumbers, tomatoes and apples. I’ve been pumping the laxatives as well to clear tha...

Well, I have reached my lowest weight for about six months! I am officially back to my pre -Christmas weight! Not entirely a cause for celebration as I was still unhappy before Christmas...but at least I am well and truly on the road of progression! The only slight problem is that I have gone from being a laxative virgin to being slightly addicted...can’t go a day without having at least one BUT my tummy is so gloriously flat! I know that the second I stop taking the little cream-coloured pills I’ll start inflating again and to be honest I’m quite enjoying fitting into all my pretty little dresses in this lovely warm weather! Once I lose another 10 pounds or so, I’ll be able to come off the laxatives without fear of food inside me causing too much of an extra bulge. The current object of my affections, 'C', who I talked about in my last post is not in today, so I’m able to wear a plain red dress and not stress too much about my face – which is just as well because I don’t look ...

I have to begin by saying thank you for all the positive comments. I was really moved. Things are still on a general low, and there have been lots more tears and screaming with my mum, but I'm staying strong through it all :) And the maintenance has finally broken!!!!! Oh so happy, oh so worth it. I feel very empty and numb at the moment, which is very unsual for me. I'm usually either bouncing off the walls or pumped with emotion, caught up in my own great big desructive tornado. I think it's my current job. 7am to 10pm at a desk...doing nothing...braindead...souldead. Go home to sleep and then do it all again. just over two weeks to go and then its over, thank God. Why haven't I blogged for a week? A head full of beauty numbed with boredom. At least when I'm chaotic I know I'm alive. My job, however, has taught me that I have another obsession which equals my obsession with food. To regular readers, this may come as no surprise. I need male attention. I need s...

My mum wants me to go into town with her to sort out my bank account. I go only to avoid an argument. I wear my shittest fattest clothes. Glasses. Foundation. I look like a piece of shit, humiliated by my reflection, but its ok ...it'll be two minutes in public then home to hide my ugly reflection away. I would never, ever go out looking like this on any normal occasion. I walk right into my ex-boyfriend. Not seen him since we broke up 3 years ago. Panic attack. Sweating. Shaking. Retching. Fists clenched like a murderer. Knife, blood, help me cope. Walked in the door and screamed. I want to smash things up. I want to bleed into ecstasy . He got to laugh at how ugly I am.

To my regular readers, apologies for being away for so long. My laptop died last Monday and took 5 days to repair! And I suppose in that time I also became slightly disillusioned and confused. To Holly in particular, sorry for not replying. I was sick and alone. After the initial ecstasy of starving, it began to feel like I was rotting away in my room...for nothing and no-one. I went to the ball on Saturday and since then all I have done is eat and I have been too ashamed to post, knowing that my body was so filled with shit, knowing that I was a traitor to this head full of beauty and to all of you. To quickly update you on my ball on Saturday: It was brilliant and a really good laugh. Fitted into my dress like a dream - so worth the fast! Got hit on by several guys (bless them, not a chance!), pulled a guy called Pete I had liked in second year making Oli jealous and receiving drunken calls and texts from him hahaha . Although I sort of regret pulling Pete now cos he's FAR too...

I seem to have been pretty on track recently. But what a blatant, disgusting lie to write that now. I have been on track and I would still be if it weren't for men alcohol and my stupid need for attention. I showed them what they were missing. A perfect slim dress with ruffles, red ribbon, red shoes, dark hair over my shoulders, sultry makeup. I surrounded myself with boys who couldn't have me. I was out of their league. I thrive on that adrenaline beat of the dancefloor . My life revolves around what I become in that space and who other people perceive me to be. I am the one they want. But I'm not, not at all, not really, not in the harsh reality of sober daylight. But I know for that space of time, I am something. I am vibrant and alive, you can touch me and I can respond. In the club, under the artificial lights, I am not beauty or fragility, I am desire... a sensual but sordid desire. It's now 7am. I was supposed to be on a coach back home to London for the weekend ...

So, the weekend. On Saturday I took a walk into town where there was a little ethnic fair going on. Stall upon stall selling sweets, pancakes, barbeques, oriental ornaments, handmade jewellery etc. I spent ages looking at all the precious little cupcakes and sweets, lovingly crafted like miniature works of art. I loved it: just taking in their visual beauty, not tempted in the slighted at their taste. It makes me so happy when I can surround myself with delicious food and take delight in just looking at it. In the end I bought a little packet of caramel roasted almonds and ate a few as I took a walk around the town’s botanical gardens. More visual beauty. It was such a perfect day and the birdsong was ringing loud and clear. Everything was in bloom, and the flowers were calling to me, come join us, come join us. There wasn’t even the slightest gust of wind around…it was all just perfectly still perfection. I want to be a flower, tranquil and naturally beautiful. I felt a little bit gui...

Being away from home is not good for the soul. I feel like I've missed so much! Just spent the last few hours catching up with your blogs, you are such strong and inspirational ladies. So, Monday-Thursday in Paris and Friday-Sunday at some sports tournament in Surrey. So much to write. I suppose, I should start with the last post. It was a bit of a shock coming online and reading it because in my drunken state I had forgotten all about posting it! So Max...well, let's just say this is the last time I will ever be writing about him in a post as the whole thing was over almost as soon as it began. Like I said before, he had liked me since we met, but being the bitch that I am, I didn't consider him good enough for me, and rejected his advances back in September, soon after which he started going out with another girl and I began to regret my decision because he treated her like gold. They broke up two or three weeks ago. To cut a long story short, I went out that night with...

Water. No calories. In the right mind set it is extraordinarily filling. I'm drowning in it. Drowning is the glamorous way to go don't you know. I think I made that up. I want to thank you all for all your comments. You are the best support system a girl could ask for and I am so incredibly grateful. You have to forgive me for my lack of posting and commenting recently. I come on here everyday, numerous times a day, to read all your posts - I don't know why I can't write. I think sometimes it's because I feel so... unworthy? I will make up for it! This blog is the only place in the world where I don't have to lie. I lie to everyone else: my friends, my mum, my university lecturers. I even lie to strangers. Except I don't call it lying, I call it 'hiding the truth'. But why do I feel the need to hide the truth? It's simple, I don't want to hurt my mum, I don't want be labelled a freak, I don't want to be misunderstood, I don't wa...

Well I'm back from my weekend in the Lake District...can't say it was as much fun as I had hoped, but still, better than sitting around feeling crap. The weather was appalling, but I got a fantastic work-out going all out up the tallest peak in England - but God my legs ached like hell! Really wasn't impressed with the rain and hail which was periodically whipping across my face - hurt more than my legs! I swear everywhere else in the UK was sunny this weekend and suddenly we entered some micro climate in the Lake District where it became mid-winter. Well, anyway, like I said, I went with a bunch of hardcore military guys and two of my best girlfriends, and we all went out clubbing in the local town of Ambleside - I say clubbing but it was more like an old village pub that had a dungeon-like cellar with a dancefloor . (I'm a London girl, born and bred so I just don't really have a taste for rural England life.) Well anyway, this little place clearly hadn't see...

"Men. They're just not worth it." "You're SO beautiful." "He's clearly blind." "You can do so much better than him." "He's not worth it." No. Dear friends, you're wrong, it's me. I'm not worth it. He's not blind, he just doesn't fancy girls with fat legs. I'm not beautiful. I'm dead. Oh the cliches. They come out thick and fast from my friends. Last night, prime example. So, in my last post but one 'further into ana's arms' I mentioned Sam and how I had started to become really attracted to him. Well we started chatting via facebook and texting etc, and it was all so lovely, and it made me so happy. I thought there might be something... Last night was a big social to the student union club, and naturally I persuaded him to come. Oh, I was so excited, so high, so full of desire to live. Our conversations had led me to believe he was coming out just to see me. So I let myself imag...

Firstly, big thanks to all of you that have been reading or commenting. Really, you guys are what make this blog work for me, and this blog working is what keeps me strong! Last night was a the big St Patricks Day celebration at the club I'm a part of at uni. Originally I had intended to stay at home and get some work done on my assignment due next week (shit, still not started it... will start it after I've finished this post!) I figured that if I went, I'd only see Oli , feel fat and ugly, get upset and go on a massive binge. But in the afternoon I hit the gym big time and was absolutely buzzing off the adrenaline for the rest of the day - literally bouncing off the walls at such a good workout. So I decided that I'd go and pull out all the stops. As it was a St Patricks celebration the fancy dress theme was Irish. Well I wasn't going to go dressed in shitty green clothes so I decided to go as an Irish Fairy/Pixie/Nymph. I wore a brand new, beautiful, floaty whi...

I should really be doing some uni work. And instead I have just spent the last 4 hours reading blogs and checking out thinspo ... I should really stop. I'm gonna spend the rest of the evening carrying on with my Ana Book - a little notebook I carry around with me that's full of thinspo and little pro- ana quotes and stuff like that. I don't seem to ever actually use it (the idea is to get it out when I want to binge and use it to make me stop!) but adding to it always cheers me up and gets my motivational motor running. The walls of my room here at uni are covered with models from magazines. One of my favourites is the Lacoste Touch of Pink perfume advert, and I also love the girl in the Armani Code perfume advert. Always wonder if my friends think I'm a lesbian when they come into my room... I mean I've got the standard Justin Timberlake posters etc, but still a great deal more beautiful women! I just love them though, just love them so much for being so perfe...

I really miss James. There, I said it. He was one of the few people that knew about me. He was one of the few people I could tell. Well, it's lost now, what can I do... it taught me never to tell people. It makes me very sad in a way, because I know I could never have a good relationship that worked with a guy. I'd make him so miserable. I feel incredibly sorry for any man that would truly love me, for I would just treat him like crap and push him out of my life. The truth is, I don't think I could live with anyone. I love being able to come back to my flat, take off my restrictive clothing, wash off all the makeup and remove all the pins from my hair and just be myself as I am naturally. I do love that... but only so long as nobody can see me. There is no way that I would ever let any guy that I was dating see me in such a state - so how on earth could I live with them, or even marry them! The idea is horrifying to me. What I really don't get is a guy that would love ...

Ok so, my new theory: If I don't buy food, I can't eat it... I've kept myself locked in my room the last few days and haven't really had anything left to eat in my flat other than tins of tuna (in water of course), some pieces of frozen chicken, frozen vegetables and porridge oats. The porridge oats have probably been my biggest downfall. Porridge and bread are my favourite binge foods, I can easily eat 4 bowls of porridge or a whole loaf of bread... I haven't bought bread in months... and I never buy milk anymore either, but I just can't get rid of the porridge! It really is one of the last things in the world that enables me to cope! (I make it with water not milk to save on calories) - tastes a bit naff, but still gives me the motivational kick I need! I've also discovered Nakd bars - if you haven't heard of them, find them! Basically, despite my eating disorder and desire not to eat, I am also completely obsessed with getting all my vitamins etc....