Apologies for being absent for so long. The past week has been... crazy, emotional, sleepless... exciting.
I've been writing everything in my notebook - It's been necessary for me to still write about everything even though I have been unable to sit down at a computer and update this blog. So, what follows are my entries and self-analysis from the past week, dated when they were originally written...
(Do read them in order if you can from #1 to #4!)
Wednesday 24th March - Where Do We Go From Here?
So, last night (Tuesday) I came out to see Alex while he was with some of our mutual friends at the Club.
I was worried at first - I was scared to go in and hovered outside for several minutes... what if he ignores me, what if he doesn't come and speak to me, what if he acts like all the other guys do after they've got what they wanted out of me?
I needn't have worried - of course I needn't - Alex isn't like any other guy.
I walked in and looked around. He saw me immediately, smiled and waved. At once I felt the tension ease out of my body and I spent the rest of the evening happily in his company.
Afterwards, we did the same little tour around late night London. Holding my hand tight, stopping to kiss me, laughing, smiling... so perfect.
This time, I went back to his.
My mum was probably at home going mad at me, but I didn't care in the slightest. I couldn't bare to walk away from him. I didnt want to let go of that feeling he was giving me.
So I spent the night with him. I have never experienced anything so perfect, so sensual, so right. I spent every moment filled with a happiness I can't remember ever being blessed with before.
The way he held me, the way he touched me, the way he kissed me; the sincerity in every word, in every touch.
He told me I was gorgeous. He told me I was sexy. No one has ever told me that sober. No one has ever told me that because they meant it, and not just because they wanted to try it on with me. In fact, only two guys have ever slept with me sober before.
I have never experienced anything so perfect. I gave in to him completely and it was incredible. Simply, every moment was filled with joy and passion. When I'm in his arms I feel beautiful.
Yes, there's an age gap, but you'd never know it. You could never tell. Other than this one (irrelevant) material fact, there is nothing - nothing - that makes me want to question how perfect and how real this all is. He's got to be the first guy I've fallen for because of his personality and because of how well we get on. Yes, I'm attracted to him, but he's not like the stunners I've got with in the past - there's no 'lust' there, this is all from somewhere deep inside me. There's nothing shallow about this for me... and that's got to be a first.
So what now?
What are the consequences? - for me and my ED?
I guess only time will tell, but perhaps, without knowing it, he may be the medicine I've needed for so long.
After starving myself for several days, I was able to sit in his room and eat cake and drink tea.
And I'm not going skiing. Yes, I dropped out of another trip - and it wasn't because of Ana - it wasn't because I was afraid - it was because of Alex.
I simply couldn't go on that trip and trust myself to behave. I know I'd get drunk, flirt and put myself in dangerous situations with several guys. I'd play drinking games, be sexually inappropriate and rumours would flow. The copious alcohol could make me forget - I could very easily find myself in the arms of D or Hugh or some other guy. I could be a fool and potentially - no, almost certainly - screw up everything with Alex. Gossip in the Club spreads like wildfire.
So I'm not going skiing... because I want to reform. I want to be girlfriend material for Alex.
And what if things go wrong with Alex? What if I was wrong and he turns out to be like all the others I've ever known?
It scares me, but right now, that fear is so shrouded by happiness...
What scares me is not that he's suddenly going to change his mind and leave me, but that I cannot comprehend that fear and accept that it's a very possible reality for which I should prepare, and for which I should put up umpermeable barriers to protect myself.
I should be scared of how much he could hurt me. But I'm not - and that's what's scary.
Monday 29th March - The Latest
I've been binging and throwing up several times a day since I left Alex's flat on Wednesday afternoon. A reaction to having starved my body so much in preparation for skiing perhaps? Or something else? I'm still happy having found him... but not being with him now... I don't know... maybe it doesn't work when I'm not with him? why am I still bulimic? - perhaps he isn't the cure... ?
He's left London and gone back to his hometown for Easter so I won't see him for another three weeks. I've spoken to him every day since, with the exception of today... but three weeks is a long time, and a lot of thinking and mind-changing can go on in that period. Ultimately, I want to look stunning the next time I see him. Just because... because I have to...
I don't know that he likes me for his personality... no one ever does...
If I were ugly, if I put on weight... I'd lose him, I'm sure of it....
Here I go... obsessed with my weight again. With another guy holding the strings, controlling my hand and mouth like a puppet, controlling my ED, just like D did throughout January and February. SHIT. Stuffing my face, throwing it up, counting down the days until I see him again, working out how much I need to lose by then.
I can't not have an eating disorder. I DON'T KNOW HOW.
Fuck. I know he likes me... I know he likes me as I am right now! But... what if that's not enough to keep him? I can't give him a reason... I can't let there be a reason for this to end like all the others... because I believe this is fucking real... and if he does what Jon did to me...
I'm already in the grips of Ana and Mia. What would happen if Alex fucked me up further? How much further over the edge can I go?