A Head Full of Beauty

The problem with not posting for two weeks is that my life moves very quickly, and it is now impossible for me to accurately transfer my emotions from the first week (which were very different to this week) into the written word. However, I will do my best. After the drama of the work Christmas Party, I spent the final week in the lead up to the holidays waiting for Theo to ask to see me. He was going to France with his family over Christmas and I expected him to suggest we go out one evening that week before he went away. I'd eaten atrociously in the aftermath of the anxiety and stress of the Christmas party season and started the week half a stone heavier than when I had graced the floors of the dinner hall in my beautiful dress on Friday evening. The scales were now showing me a weight that I had not seen since August. I kid you not. Naturally I was tearing my hair out, and in my deep stupor of depression was unable to drag my sorry arse to the gym and run like crazy to burn...

I came home on Wednesday night realising that I had fallen hard. It was the leaving drinks of one of the management team and much of the office was out for the party - Theo included. I nervously watched the door of the venue until he came, the girls I worked with laughing at me for my childishness. When he finally arrived it was a while before we spoke to each other, and when we did it was just casual and normal as it would be between any work colleagues. As the evening began to wear on we became more flirty and more separate from the rest of the crowd. He looked gorgeous as ever, his big brown eyes burning into mine and making me so hungry for him. I wanted to hold his hand, wanted to cuddle up close to him, I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to be open about our relationship, but I couldn't because people that we worked with were around. It killed me. It made me anxious. At one point I turned wild with jealousy when I saw him talking to another girl from my depa...

Thursday 27th October It has become a rule to binge - to eat myself to death - after a night out. Why. Why not. I am the queen of throwing up. I'd had an intense few days at work - travelling abroad and then pushing myself to the limit in the office overtime. It was nearing the end of a long Thursday afternoon and I needed to smile, laugh, feel good, feel power, feel - feel something. I knew where to get it. Cassio. I sent him an email. Dinner? He said no. Already had dinner plans. But drinks was a yes. I pranced over to his desk when I finished. Tony saw us, smiling knowingly at me. The good looking young kids always found each other. It was lovely. I loved friendliness, I loved chatting, discussing, questioning. When the time came for him to go to dinner with his friend he asked me to join him and I beamed. Of course. We had dinner with two of his friends and one of their other colleagues - all Europeans. He told me I was the first English girl he'd made friends...

07:30 on a Monday morning in The Square Mile. A girl wanders up and down the isles of a food store, nothing I can eat, nothing I can eat , as she wrings her hands, flustered, getting in the way of impatient men in suits I managed in the end. Three packets of microwave-in-the-bag mixed vegetables, three mini packets of cooked chicken breast and one packet of plain mixed nuts. I've decided I'm allowed plain nuts now after reading a few Paleo blogs - which also means fruit is back in the diet - hurray! (The Dukan Diet which I followed strictly a few months back was utterly depressing in it's lack of fruit). So, for all those who are interested here is the new plan of what Ophelia is eating and keeping down happily: All vegetables (except beans) All fruit (except dried fruits) Plain nuts and seeds (not peanuts) Chicken Fish and Seafood Skimmed milk - A diet which is my own personal hybrid of Paleo and Dukan, which is restrictive enough to have the right effects, but...

I feel so alone. Can't get rid of the eating disorder - it won't budge. Can't tell anyone about it. Don't have a shoulder to cry on. I wanted to tell my two friends here. Couldn't. Can't stop the eating disorder, I can't stop it. I can't stop it. Ran and ran and ran, ignored my screaming calves, sweated in the gym, more and more, further, further, HARDER. Vegetables, soya milk, protein shake. Again. Up and down the supermarket isles, up and down the canteen, up and down, panic, run. Can't run. please, someone tell me starving is the best sensation in the world, tell me, scream it to me! Watched a group of girls celebrate a 17th birthday, all long limbs, fresh faces, beauty and youth. And me, fat, dumpy old person. Handfuls of cake in front of the fridge. Knowing I've got to stand on that fucking scale tomorrow and be asked "how do you feel about that?" I shrug my shoulders.