A Head Full of Beauty

So it didn't really matter that Harry wasn't there in the end. All it meant was that it was a pretty uneventful night in which I drank far more than I needed and... well, nothing happened. My friends have always expressed concern about my lack of fear in walking the streets at night, but I've been doing it for years. Sure, I've had to run off from a few shady characters, I've been jumped on by a licenced London Black Cab driver, I've searched desperately for a friendly taxi on dark streets I didn't recognise, but it says a lot about me really - and as I said in my first post: 'I'm not afraid of any conventional fears.' We ended up in club called Fabric up in North London. It was gone 4am and I was done for the night. I vanished before anyone could start lecturing me. Naturally I hadn't eaten all day to ensure that my body was empty and at its thinnest, so my first stop was to buy food. Alcohol impairs judgement : half a pizza, half a subway s...

Let me fill in some gaps. Everything has been so strained and emotional lately that I haven't had time to talk about my life - not my head - my life. It's just been depressing, emotional, despondent post after post without a word on what has been actually going on around me - outside my swirling mind. So I need to tell you what has been happening. I didn't do my exams. In fact, I didn't do a day of revision. So, nearly two weeks ago, at 9am, as everyone else in my class opened up their first exam paper, I was sitting waiting for my first interview.  I'd had enough. I couldn't do it. Weak. Yes. I was weak - I had no intention of fighting or trying. I was too exhausted by everything. I had stopped caring about myself and my life. Alex had been doing his exams for the two weeks before this, I was on 'revision leave', and I was sitting at home, dying. No really, really, just dying. I let it be. Yes, I let it be. Sit and rot. Do nothing except watch your...

I got an extension for a piece of coursework I was doing for law school and I had to get my doctor to sign the medical reasons on my ‘concessions form’. You want to know what I think of the fucking health care in this country? Well this should say it all: He wrote my first name wrong and mis-spelt my surname. Under medical problems, he wrote ‘Anorexia and Depression’. I' ve been diagnosed with Bulimia for fucks sake. The rest of the questions he barely answered or ignored. And I paid £19 for this proof of apathy. My exams start at the beginning of June. If I do them, I will fail. I have the option... to not turn up to exams and then give in a concession form like the one I did for my coursework. If they accept the bulimia as a reason for not doing exams then I will get the chance to retake them in August. Do I do it? My life is eating, throwing up, exercising, restricting, thinking about food, crying over my body, worrying... I can't do anything else, and I’m never g...

All the power I have comes from the mirror: it comes from seeing fresh, clear skin, big brown all-absorbing eyes, soft dark hair and plump pink lips. From toned legs, a trim waist and slim arms - my power comes from my confidence; my power comes from the way I look. It's a lie, when people say it's what's inside that counts. But we all know this. We all know that's a load of crap. The world is powered by superficiality. As a woman, being beautiful is more important than anything. Period. And I don't mean fake hair-extensioned , plastic beauty, I mean REAL beauty . I mean that naturally glossy smile, that healthy twinkle in the eyes, skin that glows and a body that's lean and fit: with charisma that sparkles. You see, when a woman has all these things, she can command anyone - any man, even any woman. I don't have Real Beauty. But sometimes, with a great deal of effort, I can come pretty close. The experiences I have in this state are simply ethereal . I can...

What was it that made me this way? I was talking to my ex boyfriend and he asked me if I still drew. I'd forgotten that I used to draw. I was talented at it. Like I was at all the arts I suppose.... drawing, poetry, music.... at least I still write. And only when he brought it up again did it strike me - how dead I am now - how mechanical - how sober - how cold... like so much around me. My creativity has been so slowly smothered by this heartless world that I didn't even notice it dying. And now I'm left standing in the middle of a choking expanse of city - just a plain face to be networked by soulless bellies full of money. If I ever make it as a lawyer I will be dead. I won't be Ophelia anymore. Do you understand? I'd be one of them. The Unfeeling. Superficial Unfeeling. PLASTIC. A corporate mould of perfected plainness. I don't WANT to be like that for the sake of being normal. This is me: emotional, passionate, wild, untamed, full of pain and heart and insa...

I think this has been the longest I have been away. Or it feels like the longest... A combination of event planning, essays, job - and an overwhelming sediment of stagnant weight - are my excuses for abandoning you all - and I am aware that they should not be excuses. I haven't posted, I haven't read, I haven't commented and I haven't replied - but I will do better, so please forgive me. In my last post I told you that I was being interviewed for a waitressing job - and I did indeed get the job - much to my joy and relief. I've done a couple of shifts so far and apart from my first night when I broke about 20 glasses and dropped cream cheese down a guest's jacket, it's been ok . The only downside is the food... every night the waiting staff get to eat all the leftovers - and there's a lot of leftovers, and it's all ridiculously incredible. I have never found it so hard to resist food. I'm not talking the urge you get for a midnight bread binge....

I've been wanting to write for days now. But it's all been quite depressing. And everything I wanted to write about... has somehow disappeared from my head... All I know is that I feel quite dead. This week is going to be hell. Quite simply, full on, full throttle, burning hell. Ok. I've got to submit my first assessment next Monday - one week away. Ok. That's ok, you know, it's ok. A week is ages. I used to knock out essays in a day at uni. I know my topic, I know what I have to do, I just have to do it. And I will. Fuck the rest of the shit in my life. I WANT TO BE TOP OF MY CLASS IN EVERY SINGLE ASSESSMENT. Perhaps more than anything I want to prove a point. Ask any member of my class who the least intelligent person is and I guarantee every single one would say me (yes I know I have an inferiority complex/paranoia anyway but I still think they genuinely believe this.) And I know it's my fault that they and my tutors all probably think this - because of the w...

You guys are so kind. Always - always - your comments mean so much to me. Never in a million years did I think... But it's been a bad week. I didn't go into college once. This is not university anymore. I'm doing the law conversion course. I can't just take a week off because I feel fat and ugly. But I... I know I can't go in when I am. And I am. I am fat and ugly. I couldn't bear to have to walk into that lecture theatre with everyones eyes on my fat thighs in jeans and then sit in the library where anyone can walk past and see my chubby and blotchy face. They'd all see me. My friends. M. Fuck M. Why the HELL do I have to have feelings for him?! I couldn't go into college because I was so scared he'd see me. I was so terrified he'd see how fat and ugly I was. So I hid away for a week and missed all my lectures. What-the-absolute-fuck-is-wrong-with-me! ... oh... yeah... And now I have fresh red lines on my arms and I'm even fatter after eati...

A narrative of the last few days… So Friday was the big day. I went back to my university town for the Annual Dinner Night of my old society. All present members and all alumni – all my best friends, all my old lovers, and the place that made and broke my reputation. Thursday: all I ate all day were two sweets. And I only ate them because M offered them to me on two separate occasions in the library. (M – the law school guy I can’t stop myself from being besotted with.) I was convinced that I looked terrible that day so I hid in the library at law school during our break. I hadn’t seen M all week, but that day, I left my desk for two minutes and returned to find he had sat himself two seats away. I was mortified and pretended not to see him… although from that point on I found it impossible to concentrate on my books… He spoke to me first, and obviously when he offered me a sweet I couldn’t say no for fear of looking weird / seeming rude. Anyway, straight after my day at college was ov...

It has, generally, been a very good week. I averaged at about 600 calories every day. Well, until last night and today – where I hit about 2000 in some relief binging – or whatever. Yes I am pissed off at myself. But no, I am not going to binge and moan and binge some more. I had a good week. Overall. I had a week off from law school so I was on a work experience placement at a law firm in my favourite part of the City. Oh I had forgotten how wonderful it is to feel hungry!! Constantly fighting away that constant twist inside with a smile of delight. Oh my God I’m shrinking! Visibly - I can see it! I went right back to the glorious days when I was 15 - exactly the same diet - Half a sandwich at lunch, half a sandwich at dinner, and a piece of chicken/fish with vegetables/fruit. Gloriiiiiious! I can't believe it, I'm finally getting back to the way I once was. So yes, today I ate – two whole actual meals – and biscuits – and then threw up twice. Now I was NOT bulimic when I was ...

I’ ve fallen for the most beautiful guy. And nothing hurts more. I’ ve still got the scars from the last time I fell… all the times I have fallen. My heart is aching - more than the tearing muscles in my over-exercised legs. I hate it when I have feelings for a guy. There is simply nothing worse. Whenever I like a guy – every time I like a guy – it means heartache, insecurity, tears, binging, self-harm, anxiety, despair. In other words, for me, men are synonymous with pain. All the worst periods of my life – those darkest, bleakest times where I prayed I wouldn ’t wake up in the morning – came off the back of heartbreak. I keep trying to put him out of my head. It’s ridiculous that I like him. It’s ridiculous that I have NO control over my emotions. How can my heart govern my senses so completely? He’s half Japanese, half English - Eurasian like me, but with more tan and unbelievably incredible green eyes. He’s a petite guy – so not most girls cup of tea – but to me… well… how can I ...

So, it appears that the girls at law school still count me as a friend after my excessive drunkenness last week. But friends - female friends - they come at such a price for the eating disordered... I'm at the college all day, everyday - a lecture first thing in the morning and a workshop last thing in the afternoon - which means that we have a four-hour break in the middle. Since my very first day I've spent these four-hour breaks with a bunch of girls in my lecture group - and while they are really nice and I'm so grateful beyond belief that I made friends so quickly, it's a MASSIVE struggle for me. Having an eating disorder is so easy when you spend most of your time by yourself - no-one gives a damn if you ate and no-one knows any better if you did or you didn't. Having an eating disorder is shit when you have to pretend to be all smiley and normal all day long. It's shit when you have to spend lunchtime with your 'friends' who constantly talk about...

It was the Fresher's Party for my law school a few days ago. You can already tell I fucked it up can't you. I got drunk. I mean annihilated . Threw up everywhere. My new friends... superficial friends - don't like girls that behave like me. I told a girl I was bulimic - after I had to stick two fingers down my throat outside a new London club to get the liquid poison out. "I could tell," she said, "You never eat." I'd be amazed if those girls are still friendly with me on Monday. I hadn't planned on acting like trash, but I hadn't eaten for days and my starving body couldn't take the alcohol ...and as standard, drunk and blacked out from sickness, without a sensation in my body, I ate and ate and ate - until I thought my heart was going to stop - but I wasn't scared. Holly yes, I do believe. I've done it before. I'm doing it again. Stay with me. Be strong, you deserve happiness. The pretty, paper mask is crumbling. But it'...

I'm trying so desperately to be normal. I've started a new life...with new friends...new surroundings... and a new me ...a new me which is a fabrication a lie a wish ...everything I want to be. I've had a couple of full days at law school now. A nice, pleasant, friendly girl. Very NORMAL. Very NICE. I am the girl whose scars you cannot see, I am the girl who won't eat in front of you, I am the girl who desperately wants to pull out her pocket mirror every 5 minutes but struggles to keep the monster at bay, because I don't want anyone to know she exists. I don't want to be the girl with the disorder. I don't want to be the monster. My body is the weakest it has been in a long time. I'm not sure how much longer it can take. It's scary, but I have to be realistic. I'm fucking fragile right now. I press my hands to my forehead and I can feel my cold skull breaking through my papery skin. I can't eat tomorrow. I almost fainted throwing up today. A...

I have returned from my overseas travels, sunburnt and pimply... yuck. Ok so I'm only sunburt on my shoulders and have like 3 spots but still, really, really not what I needed for my first day of law school. How was it? Better than expected to tell you the truth. I had this image that everyone one there would be really intelligent, really boring and really aloof, but actually everyone I met seemed really nice and down-to-earth. I met two girls at the start who were really lovely and I hope I stay friends with them for the rest of the year, we seemed to have a lot in common. Of course there are loads of beautiful, thin girls in my lecture group, but not overwhelmingly so, like I had imagined. In my class there are two pretty girls, one ugly large girl and the rest are average... (I know I'm a superficial bitch describing people this way.) There are two - maybe three - attractive guys, but none of them hit me in the face saying w-o-w, and that's probably a good thing as the l...

I found out that 15 years before he died from cirrhosis of the liver, my dad was prescribed Antabuse - in other words, he was being treated for alcoholism. So he knew he was an alcoholic long before it killed him. I had always thought it was a secret. I questioned her about it. "If he knew, then why didn't he stop? Why didn't he get help?" She defended him, "It was an addiction. He tried, I know he did try, he really did try... but he couldn't stop." So she knew too. "But he knew! He should have got help!" I stopped myself from telling her she should have made him get help as well. "No, Ophelia, you don't understand. It's an addiction... like a drug addict... they know what they are doing is harmful, but they can't stop. I know he did try." So when I opened cupboard doors and found secret stashes of vodka, inconspicuous coke bottles filled with white liquid, cups of 'washing up water'...that was him trying was it?...

This is going to be a quick post. Laxatives. Never used them before. Am off to buy some tomorrow. Needless to say, my digestive system shuts down when I successfully fast/restrict and my belly sticks out a mile with all the backlog of food that won't move! I tried the natural way with 'Aloe Vera Colon Cleanse' from Holland & Barrett. Recommeded dose: 1 pill before bed. After a few weeks my desperate dose: 6 pills before bed. And no bowel movements. My period? Absent without leave. Last time I had it my stomach swelled up like a balloon, face broke out in spots and I felt like a massive piece of shit. I'd say I was fitting all those symptoms right now. I want to retch when I look in the mirror. Bad skin... seriously... that is up there with the weight issues when it comes to my paranoia and BDD. And no, no, I don't have acne, I know, just like I'm not overweight, I know, I know. But if it's not a clear, flawless complexion it's disguisting to me. Just...