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UPDATE POST #2 - The Club, D and things as they stand

Apologies for being absent for so long. The past week has been... crazy, emotional, sleepless... exciting.
I've been writing everything in my notebook - It's been necessary for me to still write about everything even though I have been unable to sit down at a computer and update this blog. So, what follows are my entries and self-analysis from the past week, dated when they were originally written...

Monday 22nd March - Things As They Stand

I've known a few guys who would have given the world for Ophelia - they would have been great boyfriends to me... But I never deemed them good enough.
Conversely, I have known many, many more guys who wanted nothing to do with me - except conquer me for a quick meaningless shag.
So yes, I've been liked by so many guys, some superficially, some more deeply.

People who don't know me can't believe I've been single for nearly four years now. Four years. It's true; I've been the subject of so much male attention and yet so little male affection. I could have slept with so many guys; to my credit I've kept the total below 10.... because I've always wanted more... If Ophelia slept with you, it's a sign, she wants more: she really fucking likes you and you have the power to hurt her.

D, for example. The second I knew I was falling for him I panicked - I had to leave the Club - I decided, that for my own sake, for the safety of my mind and body, I had to leave.
I didn't.
Being such a fool, I thought, maybe, maybe I should take a chance on him... maybe he was the one...
And everything I've done since then has been for him. All the nights and weekends there... every time making myself look my best for him - the only one who never seemed to notice me. With the exception of that one night - A night I fear I merely dreamt now, because nothing has confirmed to me that it happened since. He talks to me, but without flirting, without... any emotion.

Meanwhile, I'm wrapping every other guy around my little finger. I'm the perfect manipulator, flirting my way to get anything I want and all the attention I need. But I just want your attention little boy, I don't want to sleep with you, I don't want to date you... I'm leading you on. You make my time at the Club more enjoyable... you give me a reason to be in the same place as D.

The guy I met last weekend from Liverpool uni has been constantly sending me messages, asking me to come to another competition this weekend... I was impressed with the effect I'd had.

I've mastered the art of attracting men, charming them and flirting with them... and yet I can't have the one guy I really want. D.

And now I'm going skiing on Friday because of him. Yes, I can't kid myself about the truth. Sure, it'll be great fun and I've always wanted to ski... but really, I can't deny it - it's because of him.
It's because of him that I'm spending all this money to go - wasting all this time when I should be studying - putting all my prospects on the line for him: a guy who really means nothing - because he does not care for me.

So, there you are: Ophelia isn't the strong woman you thought she was. I'm weak and pathetic. I'm going on this ski trip to spend time with D, while he's relaxed, knowing that I can charm him when we're drunk and horny. I've been starving myself so it all goes perfectly, putting myself through hell so I can wear my cutest dresses and most revealing fancy dress. But I know, that if it all goes wrong, if he gets with another girl on the trip.... my head would explode... I know I'll go off the rails - and everyone will see.


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"Here I am, sane and dry"

"I stayed there, staring at myself in the glass. What do I want to cry about?.... On the contrary, it's when l am quite sane like this, when I have had a couple of extra drinks and am quite sane, that I realize how lucky I am.
Saved, rescued, fished-up, half drowned, out of the deep, dark river, dry clothes, hair shampooed and set. Nobody would know I had ever been in it. Except, of course, that there always remains something. Yes, there always remains something....Never mind, here I am, sane and dry, with my place to hide in. What more do I want?....I'm a bit of an automaton, but sane, surely - dry, cold and sane. Now I have forgotten about dark streets, dark rivers, the pain, the struggle and the drowning...."
Jean Rhys, Good Morning, Midnight

Love. Sick.

And finally, today, I cried; soaked the tissues and pillowcase like I had been longing to do for weeks. The most I had been able to manage recently had been dry crying with a scrunched up face and aching heart. Such relief now to be able to physically release emotions other than vomit.

What words do I use to write about the last few weeks? Crippling, torturous anxiety, studying for finance exams, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting, seeing Gareth, fucking Gareth, hating Gareth, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting. Overcome by the fear and confusion and heartache. Studying for finance exams, but really just exercising and bingeing and vomiting.

The exams are done now and I have been free from those chains for a week - definitely alleviating a great deal of the pressure from my mental crumbling. I was close to slipping back under into the darkness. The darkness of having complete loss of control, complete loss of everything to the sickness in my brain.
days …


We both knew what we wanted - of that there is absolutely no doubt.
We didn't have to say anything, from the start of the week, right up until the point where I was naked in his bed; we both knew.
About two weeks ago Gareth and a few of our colleagues had arranged to have a night out this Friday. We had a pretty tight knit group of 6 who often lunched together at work, but this was one of the few times we were actually going out together. From Monday Gareth was pestering me like he had before:  "Are you coming out on Friday, are we going out out, are we gonna have a big one..."  "Yes", I had replied, "of course." And I booked my waxing appointment and blowdry for Friday lunch, my mind made up about what I wanted.  I had been thinking what would I regret more; sleeping with him or not sleeping with him. I decided on the latter. I'd not been with anyone since Joe left in January and more than that, thoughts of Gareth were continually running through…