"Men. They're just not worth it."
"You're SO beautiful."
"He's clearly blind."
"You can do so much better than him."
"He's not worth it."
No. Dear friends, you're wrong, it's me. I'm not worth it.
He's not blind, he just doesn't fancy girls with fat legs.
I'm not beautiful. I'm dead.
Oh the cliches. They come out thick and fast from my friends.
Last night, prime example.
So, in my last post but one 'further into ana's arms' I mentioned Sam and how I had started to become really attracted to him.
Well we started chatting via facebook and texting etc, and it was all so lovely, and it made me so happy. I thought there might be something...
Last night was a big social to the student union club, and naturally I persuaded him to come. Oh, I was so excited, so high, so full of desire to live. Our conversations had led me to believe he was coming out just to see me.
So I let myself imagine, something happening, something developing; I imagined him making me happy.
I made myself look as perfect as possible. And I did, I know it, I was the prettiest girl there. I was. But my legs...my legs...the scars...the round face...oh I hate you.
And Sam and I were together, chatting, laughing, getting along so well. And then. He suddenly tells me his heartache about liking another girl. Kate. He likes her. The clean blonde, tiny, little girl with cute rosy cheeks and shining eyes. And it all goes black.
That was it. I flip. I drink and drink, punch walls, throw up, flirt and flaunt myself, spend half the night in the toilets, looking in the mirror, touching up every bit of makeup every 10 minutes. Hating myself, hating myself, because he doesn't like me.
Concerned people telling me I'm not fat.
Bastards telling me not to make anymore scars on my arms.
"It's none of your business what I do!" I screamed at him.
"Look you're a really nice girl, and I know I'm a horrible guy, but don't do it ok."
"Oh seriously spare me the shit."
(This was Simon V by the way - see previous posts - apparently under some sort of illusion that the scars on my arms were due to him??)
Perhaps Sam saw my arms and that's what put him off. Can't blame him for not fancying a psychotic freak.
All these people think I'm crazy and they don't even know the half of what my life with ana is like.
Oh God what's wrong with me.
I starved myself so well for this night in order to look good enough. The belly was shrinking.
And I drank and drank. And bought two portions of chips with cheese and a cheese burger as I stumbled home, shoeless, fighting off a stalker man asking to be my boyfriend. Dream a horrible, vivid dream about Oli. Wake up, eat a packet of cereal and two cookies. Throw up. Success. Glory.
You know, all night long, I just wanted to come here. As I stood in front of the mirror, as I left the club, and I ran home, all I could think about was this blog and all of you. All I wanted was to come here to my sanctuary and tell the only people I could tell.
I love reading all your blogs.
I love being able to be truthful to you in return.
This coming monday night is the biggest social of the year. I was so excited. I was going to be stunningly perfect. I was going to be with Sam. Oh I was going to shine like Ana's star.
And now, my throat still vile from vomit, the scars cracking and going purple, seeing the face in the mirror of a girl who is not and will not ever be little, sweet Kate. How can I go now?
I am fasting. Three days. Hold my hand and shrink with me.
Hillary Clinton meme
8 months ago