A Head Full of Beauty

You guys are so kind. Always - always - your comments mean so much to me. Never in a million years did I think... But it's been a bad week. I didn't go into college once. This is not university anymore. I'm doing the law conversion course. I can't just take a week off because I feel fat and ugly. But I... I know I can't go in when I am. And I am. I am fat and ugly. I couldn't bear to have to walk into that lecture theatre with everyones eyes on my fat thighs in jeans and then sit in the library where anyone can walk past and see my chubby and blotchy face. They'd all see me. My friends. M. Fuck M. Why the HELL do I have to have feelings for him?! I couldn't go into college because I was so scared he'd see me. I was so terrified he'd see how fat and ugly I was. So I hid away for a week and missed all my lectures. What-the-absolute-fuck-is-wrong-with-me! ... oh... yeah... And now I have fresh red lines on my arms and I'm even fatter after eati...

I hate the icky side effects of a starvation diet. My hands are cold and clammy; the skin on my arms is dull and papery. My shoulders droop with weakness, I couldn’t lift anything at the moment. I’m just so tired. I must apologise for not commenting/replying in the last few weeks, I've only been getting on the computer at work and am a bit paranoid about having a computer screen of ED sites. I'm finishing this week so I promise I will catch up!! I’ve had some incredible resolve recently in order to get these sickly starvation side-effects. There's a big party at work tonight. I knew I had to starve for it. I have to look thin tonight; have to look beautiful; have to look the best; have to look perfect; have to make ‘C’ want me. ...I didn’t think he would have been invited. Then he told me on Monday morning that had been invited and was indeed coming, so I haven’t eaten since except for some cucumbers, tomatoes and apples. I’ve been pumping the laxatives as well to clear tha...

So, a few days ago I declared that I was off to buy some laxatives to clear out my podgy belly. Took one. Nothing. Took two. Standard. Took three. And spent all day at work cramped over in severe pain and running to the loo every half hour. Oh my god did I curse myself. 8am to 5pm sat in an office, feeling like something inside me had collapsed. What I would give to go back to uni already and spend my days curled up under my duvet! I am sick of maintaining my weight. I'm working so hard on restricting my calorie intake and nothing is happening. Although I haven't exercised for like two weeks or something - maybe three. That's disgusting. I need to sort it out. I was a member of my gym at uni, and loved it. Now that I'm back home I can't get a gym membership anymore because my Mum believes in saving money over being healthy. She controls everything I spend and everything I do when I'm living with her. Working in an office with these long hours leaves me no time ...

My mum wants me to go into town with her to sort out my bank account. I go only to avoid an argument. I wear my shittest fattest clothes. Glasses. Foundation. I look like a piece of shit, humiliated by my reflection, but its ok ...it'll be two minutes in public then home to hide my ugly reflection away. I would never, ever go out looking like this on any normal occasion. I walk right into my ex-boyfriend. Not seen him since we broke up 3 years ago. Panic attack. Sweating. Shaking. Retching. Fists clenched like a murderer. Knife, blood, help me cope. Walked in the door and screamed. I want to smash things up. I want to bleed into ecstasy . He got to laugh at how ugly I am.