A Head Full of Beauty

Presenting Problem: Ophelia presented with symptoms of severe depression and severe levels of anxiety (as indicated by scores of 22 on the PHQ 9 and 17 on the GAD7 respectively). Ophelia told me that she is obsessed with her weight and how she looks. Ophelia explained that she will restrict her food for a few days, and then will eat a lot and vomit afterwards. Ophelia said that this is having an impact on her studies, and she won't go out to lectures if she is feeling particularly bad about her appearance. Risk Issues: Ophelia said that she often has thoughts of suicide, but said that she would never act on those thoughts. Ophelia also explained that she does self-harm about once a fortnight. She told me that these cuts are fairly superficial, and she has never needed medical treatment for them. Treatment Plan: Ophelia and I agreed that I would refer her for a further assessment with one of our high intensity therapists. In the meantime, I have sent Ophelia some self-help materials...

Self harm is something that has always confused me. Before I started doing it, I didn't comprehend why anyone could possibly have a need for it. When I started doing, I couldn't rationalise my actions to others or to myself. Now that I can't stop doing it, I can't work out why I can't stop or what I need to do. It's a stupid, irrational addiction . I don't know why I started, or why I need it, or how to control it... I just know that I desperately want to stop. I go through cycles of this addiction - or this craving rather. I need to self harm right now. I need to sink a blade into my thigh; and then everything will be alright. I've been battling this craving for the last few days - since Friday to be precise - just hoping that it's suddenly going to fade... it's just because I'm stressed, just because I'm tired, just because... I'm at a loss to be honest with you. I'm fighting so hard and I'm just not winning. I'm at work...

So, this whole eating lunch at work in the canteen thing is actually working out pretty well. There are always two options: a served hot meal (usually consisting of some sort of meat, potatoes, veg) or a cold salad buffet. I always have the cold salad of course, except that 80% of the options are either carbs (potatoes/pasta/rice) or drenched in salad creams, eughhhh . The only foods I take are raw cucumber, tomato, fish, mushrooms, peppers. I did try to have an egg or a piece of chicken in the salad last week, but just ended up feeling really full and uncomfortable, so I'm just sticking to raw veggies and a small bit of seafood this week. Anyway, like I say, this enforced eating thing is actually working out well now that I've been able to find lots of safe foods to fill my plate with...well...half fill :) And absolutely no one has commented on it, so it seems like my years of experienced lying have paid off! I have to say, the rigid routine is really doing wonders for me. I...

That would be the exam I took today. And then my whole ABC plan. Honestly, English Literature exams...why...just why! Today my exam was on Modern Literature (Virginia Woolf, T.S. Eliot etc) and well, yeah it was even shitter than I had anticipated. Honestly, I went into an exam once without having read any of the books, did terribly, but even that exam felt better than the one I did today! I have one final assignment due on Tuesday...and then I'm finished with University, thank God. Except I have a real fear now of ending up with a 2:2 after that exam went so badly...and I can't get a 2:2, I just can't, I won't be able to go into any of the careers I want... So I came home, feeling like I'd thrown away everything, and that sick, empty, worthless, there's-no-point, feeling crept over my heart...and I went out, bought two big cookies, a double chocolate muffin and a pack of indian nan bread (hey - I don't choose what my binge voice tells me I crave!) Then made...

I've been so inspired by the lovely Pasco who is doing so well on her ABC regime that I have decided to follow in her footsteps! I feel like I have really been lacking strict regime and control, and what better way to sort myself out than to follow the 'Ana Boot Camp'. So much better than messing up and then deciding to fast and then messing up and then getting high on restricting and so on and so on... Just routine. Control. Rules. Boundaries. I need these things. Check out the ABC list on the right hand side of my page...no margin for error when I've got to tick it off everyday on this blog in front of you all! I was going to wait until my exams at uni finish (2 nd June) but by then it will be too late. I want to get the ball rolling and start shedding weight before then. I start my job (only a temporary one for a month or so) on 3rd June, and although it's only a load of middle-aged men with beer bellies and motherly women with massive hips, I have to be thi...