A Head Full of Beauty

Of course, thank you to Anonymous who commented in the last post - I forgot Natalie Portman! Natalie is one of those actresses who I've adored since the first time I saw her for having such flawless and dainty features - I mean, the woman still looked stunning when she shaved all her hair off for V for Vendetta . I went to see Black Swan twice at the cinema and am counting down the days for it to be released on DVD here in the UK. I love that you can see all her ribs in this picture and she has practically no breasts (I would give anything to be totally flat-chested). Anyway, not only am a big fan of Natalie Portman, the film and its ridiculously sky-high thinspirational quality, I am also a big lover of ballet. This Spring I've been to see Swan Lake and Cinderella and have also booked to see Manon and Anna Karenina in London later this Summer. I just love ballet...for all the obvious reasons. And yes, I am the only person I know who likes ballet, and yes, I go on my ow...

I've told D that I'm going to go to his on Thursday. But I'm still too fat. So I may postpone it till Friday. Or Monday. Or never. Wouldn't it just be so much easier if I deleted him from my head, never heard from him again, never thought of him evermore. Oops, sorry D, I forgot you existed. I went shopping today, with him in mind. Every time I remembered one of his messages and remembered something sweet he had said, I smiled - a great, big, sunny, daydream smile. The goddamn boy makes me smile . And yet, now, I just want to cry. I binged. I am too fat to go and see him, too fat to go and wow him. I am a terrible fuck up. It is too late, again. I messed up, I missed the deadline, I gave in. I fucked it up. I will not go and see him at this weight. I would be humiliated. The experience would crush me. I really want this. God, even just thinking about him makes me happier than I've been since the countryside days I spent with James back in the Summer of 2008. That wa...

Presenting Problem: Ophelia presented with symptoms of severe depression and severe levels of anxiety (as indicated by scores of 22 on the PHQ 9 and 17 on the GAD7 respectively). Ophelia told me that she is obsessed with her weight and how she looks. Ophelia explained that she will restrict her food for a few days, and then will eat a lot and vomit afterwards. Ophelia said that this is having an impact on her studies, and she won't go out to lectures if she is feeling particularly bad about her appearance. Risk Issues: Ophelia said that she often has thoughts of suicide, but said that she would never act on those thoughts. Ophelia also explained that she does self-harm about once a fortnight. She told me that these cuts are fairly superficial, and she has never needed medical treatment for them. Treatment Plan: Ophelia and I agreed that I would refer her for a further assessment with one of our high intensity therapists. In the meantime, I have sent Ophelia some self-help materials...

This blog is now one year old! I can't believe it. Over 300 followers and still writing. So I am going to take you back to where it all began... In the Autumn term of my final year at University I chose a module in Literary Theory and Trauma. One of our projects was to analyse some blogs - so naturally I decided upon an eating disorder one. My google search at the time came up with one: Dying to be Thin - Anaregzig - The queen of all pro- ana bloggers . I read it from beginning to end. And that's when I found that a sanctuary for me did exist - here. I didn't start up my own blog until the end of term, after Christmas. I never intended it to be 'pro- ana ' and still don't, really. I just wanted to write freely. I wanted to be able to express exactly what was going on inside my head, exactly what I wanted and believed and exactly who I was, without the fear of social prejudice. My desires then are the same as they are now: - I want to recover and be normal. -...