A Head Full of Beauty

I have a new training program in place - a 10k training programme to be precise. It's hard to have an eating disorder whilst trying to train intensively at the same time - the two things really do conflict... But the fact is, I'm going to be running some races with Alex and some other super fit guys in the Autumn - after a Summer away on the LDAC that is. Yes, for any American readers, I am coming over to the US for a month to take part in the ROTC Leader Development Assessment Course. I have very little idea as to what it all entails exactly... other than it is something similar to the Territorial Army Commissioning Course we have here in the UK at Sandhurst...? If any of you out there have any info or experience of it I'd love to hear! So, my fitness is pretty good - in fact I can meet the male entry standards for Sandhurst (well on the run and situps anyway - my pressups are sill rather feeble!!) so I know physically I'm in pretty good shape... however it's...

Dear everyone I hope you are all having a very Merry Christmas, I hope you are all safe, with your families and I hope you are all well. I want to take this opportunity - in case you don't all already know - to tell you all how much I love and value you and how much you all touch my hearts everyday. I hope you know that I am walking and cheering you every step of the way until you reach your dreams.... * * * I am so thankful for this cyber somewhere over the rainbow. Our buzzwords: 'beauty', 'perfection', 'thin' - they are so socially unacceptable - not right to think - not right to believe in or desire. All I hear is their anger, whenever I explain that I want to be perfect. "You should be happy and accept yourself as you are." "BUT WHY?! I know I can be better than this, so why shouldn't I work to be better? Why should I accept myself in this lowly state? - WHAT is so wrong about wanting to better myself and strive for perfection?!"...

Home. I am finally home. My unhappy sanctuary. I have come home for the last time. I used to pack my bags on Thursday afternoons when I was at university and get the cheap train home for a long weekend. It was worth the hassle and the long journey just to have a house to shut myself up in alone – a house where things were ordered and sober – where there were no men; no threats, no temptations. Home was the only place where I could cover up my body beneath a thick duvet and forget that it existed. It was a difficult two weeks at camp as you can no doubt tell from my last post. I got away at most mealtimes with just eating vegetables and fruit. There were many arguments as usual, but I give up now… I have yet to meet anyone (in the flesh) who understands and supports my desire to better myself. Perfection, to everyone I know, seems to be a mere fiction in a world that proudly accepts its disgusting self. If it weren’t for this blog, my followers, commenters, I would never be able to beli...

Sigh. I didn ’t step on the scales this morning. I know the figures would have gone up from eating so much yesterday and I couldn ’t bear seeing higher numbers. I’ ve been a bit of an emotional train wreck these last few days. Some sorta full on bipolar, manic depressive roller coaster . Screeching round tight corners between break-neck hyper joy and the slamming breaks of reflections in the mirror and screaming inner pain. My mum has been eating away at the remainder of my self-esteem with devastating effect, constantly finding fault with every single part of me. I received my degree results in the post when I got home from work on Tuesday night. I got a fucking 2:1. I was sooo relieved and thankful. My mum leaned over the staircase banister and looked blankly at me. ‘So you’re happy are you?’ she said bitterly. ‘Yes.’ ‘I expected a first. Honestly I expected a first. You always used to get the top grades.’ And that was it. Not a smile even. It didn ’t really affect me. I knew I was...

Well, I have reached my lowest weight for about six months! I am officially back to my pre -Christmas weight! Not entirely a cause for celebration as I was still unhappy before Christmas...but at least I am well and truly on the road of progression! The only slight problem is that I have gone from being a laxative virgin to being slightly addicted...can’t go a day without having at least one BUT my tummy is so gloriously flat! I know that the second I stop taking the little cream-coloured pills I’ll start inflating again and to be honest I’m quite enjoying fitting into all my pretty little dresses in this lovely warm weather! Once I lose another 10 pounds or so, I’ll be able to come off the laxatives without fear of food inside me causing too much of an extra bulge. The current object of my affections, 'C', who I talked about in my last post is not in today, so I’m able to wear a plain red dress and not stress too much about my face – which is just as well because I don’t look ...

I'm back in the suburbs of South London, sitting in a bright office, overlooking a sublime view of lime green grass bathed in glorious sunshine. A glorious English summer...and I'm in a long-sleeved shirt and knee length skirt...because nothing else fits me. No. I admit, I'm being overly-harsh. I refuse to wear anything else. Because nothing else fits me well enough. Nothing else hides me well enough. I hate my body. I want it to disappear. I finished uni on Tuesday. By some miracle I got my final assessment finished on time and handed in. I sat through lunch today at work in turmoil. My belly aches from eating. I had a salad with seafood. And a generous helping of calorific cous cous. And a yoghurt. Fat free, but still, a goddam yoghurt. Idiot, idiot, idiot. I could have just taken a place of green leaves and swished it around my plate. Why do I have to put on this stupid show of eating. The second I put down my knife and fork my head was screaming PURGE! I can't eat a...