A Head Full of Beauty

Exercise and weight loss are expensive hobbies - or addictions. I have blown serious amounts of money over the years on diet pills, diet foods, gym memberships... but in the last few months I have definitely outdone myself and wasted money I really cannot afford to waste. I pay £56 a month for a gym membership in London - despite not actually living there anymore. I have a free gym on site where I work - but have still signed up to another super fly gym for £100 a month...(but it has incredible indoor and outdoor pools, sauna, steamroom, powerplates(!) and general all round luxury equipment and surroundings....) I order and drink boxes of overpriced Maxitone shakes and just forked out for a pair of specially measured and fitted running trainers - costing another £100 (which then blistered and tore my feet to shreds which means my feet are out of action until the painful scabs heal) And now, to top it all off... A subscription to the DUKAN DIET ! at a lump sum price ...

I'm not one for following trends, I've always had a very particular style which has been built up around my eating disorder/body distortions. I like what I like and what I like works on me... well so I think.... A standard day sees me wearing a floral pattern or plain dress, mid-thigh, usually with short sleeves and a long cardigan. Variations from this are rare and stressful. However, I am aware that - well - that I can't go on like this forever. I went into Levis' thinking that their new 'Curve' fitting would find me a pair of jeans that could make me look wonderful. I tried on pair after pair. Impossible. 'My bum... I can't... I can't...' 'There's nothing wrong with your bum', the staff kept saying I kept turning and turning, this angle and that, taking chunks of my thighs in my hands. 'Don't you know some women would kill for curves like yours? Men don't like skinny girls, seriously!' I privately rolled ...

I feel so alone. Can't get rid of the eating disorder - it won't budge. Can't tell anyone about it. Don't have a shoulder to cry on. I wanted to tell my two friends here. Couldn't. Can't stop the eating disorder, I can't stop it. I can't stop it. Ran and ran and ran, ignored my screaming calves, sweated in the gym, more and more, further, further, HARDER. Vegetables, soya milk, protein shake. Again. Up and down the supermarket isles, up and down the canteen, up and down, panic, run. Can't run. please, someone tell me starving is the best sensation in the world, tell me, scream it to me! Watched a group of girls celebrate a 17th birthday, all long limbs, fresh faces, beauty and youth. And me, fat, dumpy old person. Handfuls of cake in front of the fridge. Knowing I've got to stand on that fucking scale tomorrow and be asked "how do you feel about that?" I shrug my shoulders.

They warned me before I went - but warnings are just words. I wasn't prepared in any way for what I witnessed last weekend. My Mum and I went to see my Grandad. My Grandad lives in another part of the country close to my Aunt and Uncle - from my Dad's side of the family - and went into hospital in December having deteriorated drastically. We monitored the situation over the phone as the snow at the time made it impossible to travel the long distance to see him. They didn't think he would make it. Since being in hospital, his condition has improved but he had to move into a home where he could get full 24-hour care. We had lunch with my Aunt and Uncle before we visited him together. "It's incredible," said my Aunt, "the ability of the human spirit to cling on - even when the body is at then end, that spirit still clings on." I nodded, not really understanding. "It's awful where your Grandad is now", she continued, "Just old pe...