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I feel so alone.
Can't get rid of the eating disorder - it won't budge.
Can't tell anyone about it.
Don't have a shoulder to cry on.

I wanted to tell my two friends here. Couldn't.

Can't stop the eating disorder, I can't stop it.
I can't stop it.

Ran and ran and ran, ignored my screaming calves, sweated in the gym, more and more, further, further, HARDER. Vegetables, soya milk, protein shake. Again.
Up and down the supermarket isles, up and down the canteen, up and down, panic, run. Can't run.

please, someone tell me starving is the best sensation in the world, tell me, scream it to me!

Watched a group of girls celebrate a 17th birthday, all long limbs, fresh faces, beauty and youth. And me, fat, dumpy old person.

Handfuls of cake in front of the fridge.

Knowing I've got to stand on that fucking scale tomorrow and be asked "how do you feel about that?"

I shrug my shoulders.


  1. Oh, darling, how I have missed you.

    And I know this... living... all too well. And as horrid as it is, I wish I could do the second half of a b/p session. If I could just break even, rather than adding and multiplying and then rotting in this fat-suit of my flesh... (what a horrible word, 'flesh')...

    It's always panic. There's nothing else.

    I think I'm back in blogworld. And I missed you.

  2. I never visit my granparents in their nursing homes. It hurts too much.

    Love you so much, Ophelia.


  3. i can never tell anyone. i have friends but no friends to open up about my eating habits. i starve, i know, and only i know. i feel ur loneliness...

  4. i know how bad it feels. 11 years of ed and i'm only just finally getting myself figured out. it took a death sentance -- 6 months to live, kidneys, and liver failing, and heart problems for the rest of my life. i will never be the same... i hope you can find some relief. the question is: do you want to? do you have a desire?

    i can honestly say, i didn't... but i was court ordered into treatment. i know the desperation i read in your posts, i know it all too well. i don't know you, yet i worry immensely for you. take care my dear.


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