A Head Full of Beauty

At 24 don't you realise the stakes are fucking higher now. I cannot and must not and will, fucking, not, kill myself for him. Why why why. Why is it the more I love him the more he will destroy me. Because without knowing it he forces my hand to my mouth - to purge, to take laxatives, to eat, to purge I am now completely under the control of my eating disorder again. I would like to pretend that it was only a matter of time - in fact I know it was - but it's also because of him. Fuck it all, I couldn't do, I knew I couldn't do it. The moment I fell I was doomed. I only want to destroy myself for him, because I have fallen in love with him and because I am completely terrified that I will lose him, and I will lose him because he sees - finally wakes up with clear eyes - and sees that I am fat. and ugly. run I broke tonight. Completely broke. Finally. Battered my vocal cords in the pitch black house, chocking on dry vomit that clogged up my insides. Over and over...

I came home on Wednesday night realising that I had fallen hard. It was the leaving drinks of one of the management team and much of the office was out for the party - Theo included. I nervously watched the door of the venue until he came, the girls I worked with laughing at me for my childishness. When he finally arrived it was a while before we spoke to each other, and when we did it was just casual and normal as it would be between any work colleagues. As the evening began to wear on we became more flirty and more separate from the rest of the crowd. He looked gorgeous as ever, his big brown eyes burning into mine and making me so hungry for him. I wanted to hold his hand, wanted to cuddle up close to him, I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to be open about our relationship, but I couldn't because people that we worked with were around. It killed me. It made me anxious. At one point I turned wild with jealousy when I saw him talking to another girl from my depa...

It nearly didn't happen. Millie and Rhianna spent all of Tuesday trying to convince me that Theo didn't really like me. I was devastated and broken, but mostly I was angry. How dare they tell me who I should or shouldn't date, telling me that I'm nothing to him, just another girl he can fuck, that he should be behaving in a way that they deem more appropriate, chasing me like a lovesick puppy. I was furious and my self-esteem was in shatters again. Sure, he was rubbish at replying to my messages and never gushed his feelings towards me, but I'd only really known the guy a few weeks! They sat me down and told me that taking him out on Friday would be a terrible mistake because he didn't like me and would only hurt me. But I am a rebel. I rebel against anyone who tells me what to do, and my God, thank goodness that I do! I remembered the way we had talked for hours, I remembered the way we had laughed, I remembered he had made me feel something I hadn't fel...

It's funny, the way the world works out. Theo and I had an incredibly fun time last Thursday when we went out - an undeniably incredible time. So you can understand why I was very confused when he became extremely flakey afterwards and refused to commit to another night when we could go out again. I have always been very straight up and direct when asking him out and was so again. He told me that he was busy all this week after work and when I tried to suggest a date of next Friday, I was told that this was too far in the future to know if he was free or not! I was fuming with anger. That's it, I decided, just like all the other guys, you get one chance with me, and if you can't show me that you want me, then I do not  have the time to waste. I imagined that for my next blog post I'd be sitting here at my laptop bitter and bitching about his behaviour towards me, but I'm glad to say that from this point onwards, this post takes a much more positive turn... ...