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At 24 don't you realise the stakes are fucking higher now.
I cannot and must not and will, fucking, not, kill myself for him.

Why why why. Why is it the more I love him the more he will destroy me. Because without knowing it he forces my hand to my mouth - to purge, to take laxatives, to eat, to purge

I am now completely under the control of my eating disorder again. I would like to pretend that it was only a matter of time - in fact I know it was - but it's also because of him. Fuck it all, I couldn't do, I knew I couldn't do it. The moment I fell I was doomed. I only want to destroy myself for him, because I have fallen in love with him and because I am completely terrified that I will lose him, and I will lose him because he sees - finally wakes up with clear eyes - and sees that I am fat. and ugly.

run

I broke tonight. Completely broke. Finally. Battered my vocal cords in the pitch black house, chocking on dry vomit that clogged up my insides. Over and over and over again, it had to come out it had to all come out.

I had ballooned by 3kg since Friday. Like, no, no. No. I'm shaking my head. You don't understand I have to walk by his desk tomorrow, I'm being interviewed by his boss for a position in their departement. You don't understand, I have to prove myself, I have to prove that I am more than face value. I have to walk by his desk tomorrow. So I took three laxatives. And then I fucked it all up by eating. Rice, then cereal, shit, must have more cereal, toast as well, make it easier, add in some peanuts... and then impossible to get back out.
I don't care if I die bent over this toilet.

I didn't care.
Puffy and swollen.

The anxiety from Friday hasn't left me. I just crave Theo now, I crave his warm body, I crave the feeling of him. Shit. I can remember exactly how his body feels beneath my fingertips.

I cried my eyes out, hunched over the kitchen sink. I nearly lost everything. and look at me, throwing away everything I was so lucky to earn back . I'm throwing everything away again. FOR THIS FUCKING EATING DISORDER.

It won.
Hell, how can I fight. I have no resources left. Except my legs
- to run

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2017

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What words do I use to write about the last few weeks? Crippling, torturous anxiety, studying for finance exams, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting, seeing Gareth, fucking Gareth, hating Gareth, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting. Overcome by the fear and confusion and heartache. Studying for finance exams, but really just exercising and bingeing and vomiting.


The exams are done now and I have been free from those chains for a week - definitely alleviating a great deal of the pressure from my mental crumbling. I was close to slipping back under into the darkness. The darkness of having complete loss of control, complete loss of everything to the sickness in my brain.
days …