Skip to main content

"All little girls should be told they are pretty"

It's funny, the way the world works out.
Theo and I had an incredibly fun time last Thursday when we went out - an undeniably incredible time.
So you can understand why I was very confused when he became extremely flakey afterwards and refused to commit to another night when we could go out again. I have always been very straight up and direct when asking him out and was so again.
He told me that he was busy all this week after work and when I tried to suggest a date of next Friday, I was told that this was too far in the future to know if he was free or not! I was fuming with anger.
That's it, I decided, just like all the other guys, you get one chance with me, and if you can't show me that you want me, then I do not have the time to waste.

I imagined that for my next blog post I'd be sitting here at my laptop bitter and bitching about his behaviour towards me, but I'm glad to say that from this point onwards, this post takes a much more positive turn...

The only time Theo and I ever really come into contact at work is when our teams have our Friday afternoon meeting. This Friday was no exception, and because I had taken the morning off, I also indulged in the luxury of having a blow dry at a hair salon near to the office. He had turned down a date with me and ignored me this week, so I had to make sure that when he saw me in this meeting I blew his little public schoolboy socks off.

Hoping that I did, I checked my phone again after the meeting was over, just like I had been checking it incessantly all week, in the hope that he would have seen sense and would text to ask me out. Nothing.
So I decided to thow my dignity out of the window and text him one last time.
"Sooo any idea if you're free next Friday yet?"
"Haha why, what's happening?"
"Nothing special, just me."
"What did you have in mind?"
"A surprise..."
And then no reply.


Rhianna and I decided to go out for a drink after work, and as I waited for her by the lifts I saw the group of them leave: Theo, Cassio and two other guys from their department.
A cheeky glint formed in my eye. 'Let's go find them', I suggested to Rhianna. She grinned and agreed, knowing the fun that could ensue...

The office boys always stuck to the same Friday night watering holes so it was easy to find them. Overcome and giggling like schoolgirls we bought our drinks and settled in another area, chatting comfortably. Once an acceptable amount of time had passed we went over and started chatting to them, pretending to be surprised to bump into them. It was all fine, all normal, all fun. Me and Theo were easy and normal, but we quickly broke away from the group. As we smoked outside one of the other guys, James, came out to join us.
"I'll be gone in a minute", he said to us jokingly, "and leave you two to your sexual tension".
Assuming that he already knew and Theo had told him, I pretended to cheekily laugh it off.
"Haha, what! I have no idea what you're talking about!"
"Look, it's obvious, I'm very good at picking up on these things," he said.

As the bar started to close up, we decided to move on to a club in The City called Abacus. Theo was already very drunk. We lost Rhianna and Cassio briefly, and as we waited for James by the toilets, Theo finally forgot his inhibitions, pulled me close and kissed me. James came out and saw and ran off from us, grinning but slightly embarrassed. I shrugged at Theo, oh well!

The rest of the night was somewhat awkward, Theo and I were blatantly together and Cassio was there to witness me with my arm tightly and comfortably around him. I should have felt bad, but I didn't. I didn't like Cassio, and now that he knew the type of girl I was, there was no way he would like me either. He already hated Theo, so it all made very little difference.
It was great being with him. He made me feel so happy and so bright. I loved holding his hand, I loved his hands on me, I loved having his body close.
I spoke to him bluntly:
"So are you free next Friday or not? Why are you so difficult?"
He apologised, "I just really didn't want things to interfere with work, I didn't want it to be an issue."
"Ok, I understand. But listen, work is work, it's completely separate to your social and personal life. At work we are just colleagues who barely see each other, outside work, we can be whatever we want."
He nodded. "Ok, next Friday. I'm free."
I smiled cheekily. "Good, its going to be fantastic."

After everyone else had left the bar, Theo and I chilled for a little longer, kissing in a seating area downstairs. Eventually as this club began to close up as well, we left and began walking North. We both knew what we wanted, and although I wanted it more than anything, I found it impossible to admit.

He walked me to an open newsagent so I could buy some chocolate. As usual, I hadn't eaten all day and was in desperate need of something to give me energy. As we walked past the same hotel we had stayed in two weeks ago, we stopped and lingered.

"Let's just do it," I said.
I paid for the room and in we went.

We had been outside, walking and kissing in the late night rain and my first instict was to lock myself in the bathroom and refresh my hair and makeup.
"Don't put anymore makeup on!" he demanded.
"I mean it, don't, it won't change a thing. You look gorgeous."
"Shut up."
"You look gorgeous. Make up doesn't make you look prettier. It doesn't change your features."
I looked at him with big, grateful eyes. He thought I was gorgeous as I was.

In the morning it was the same. Sex, conversations and laughter. We play-fighted and laughed like people who had known each other for years. He talked to me about work, economics, education. We sat in bed looking at my 'Introduction to the Financial Markets' textbook as he explained yield curves to me. We laughed and joked about silly, childish things. We talked about things so effortless that I can't even remember what they were.

He ran his hands across my back, his fingertips lingering.
"Look at your shoulder blades..." He said adoringly.
"They're just... You just have like no body fat on you..."
I melted inside. Of course he was exaggerating, but it meant so much. He liked my body. It was worth it, everything I had done, all the running, all the pain, all the time, all the effort.
He will never know how much it meant to me that he lay in bed with me and my naked body and adored it in the way he did.

We checked out at noon and he suggested we go and get some 'breakfast'. Only when we got to the street of restaurants and eateries did we realise that for the rest of the world it was actually lunchtime.

We stopped by a really cute, cosy place which did homely British food. He had a burger and chips while I tucked into a fish pie and chips. I smiled the whole way through, not caring about my expanding waistline, but enjoying the lovely warm food and flavours, and of course, enjoying his company most of all. Even when we had finished eating and paid and the restaurant began to clear out around us, we stayed chatting incessantly. It was 4.30pm when I finally had to tell him I needed to leave and go home.
It was me that had to say it.
After we had finished eating, at every next moment, I expected him to say we should get going and leave. But he didn't, he just sat there, happy being with me. It meant the world to me that he did that. It's not just sex. It's more. And that makes me smile. We sat there talking while the restaurant cleared out and emptied around us, until we were the only table left.

I never want him to know about my eating disorder. He can know it was in my past but I never want him to know about the shit I do now. I don't want what destroyed my relationship with Alex to destroy what I have with Theo.

So I'm seeing him again on Friday. I'm surprising him - It's his Christmas present. I'm taking him to a restaurant at one of the best hotels in Mayfair and have booked a room for us to stay there afterwards. I want a date where I can dress up and pretend to be rich and glamorous for a day. So yes, while I am blowing loads of money on him, I'm also blowing loads of money on treating myself to having my own little fantasy come true as well.

It's going to be magnificent. I'm going to feel like a rich princess for an evening. Of course it would be a little more perfect if it was a surprise that he had planned and he was paying for, but that's slightly irrelevant. My only fear is that he might be overwhelmed and run from me thinking that I'm too in love with him or something.

Millie called me once I had left Theo on Saturday afternoon and shouted at me. She doesn't think that he likes me because he wouldn't give me an answer about our next date and she believes that he should be the one chasing me. She told me I made a big mistake in sleeping with him for a second time and that I was goning to get hurt. I know she said those things because she cares about me, but at the same time she doesn't understand who I am and my philosophy on life.
I might die tomorrow. I can't take my money with me, so I'm gonna spend it all on looking my best and having the time of my life. What happened with Theo on Friday made me happy. I felt so alive and was smiling from the heart. Next Friday is gonna cost me well over £400 but I don't care because I'm gonna have the time of my life.
I don't live for the future, I live for the moment. I live for the extreme highs. I do not do mediocre in-between.

The only way Theo will truely hurt me is if he makes me think our relationship is more than it is - if he makes me think he's in love with me when he's not - or if he stops seeing me for another girl instead.
At the moment I'm still in control, we're still just having fun, still just getting to know each other.

Of course this week is gonna be intense because I'm gonna have to look my absolute thinnest and absolute best for Friday night. But you know, when I'm doing it for something like this - for someone who I know appreciates it - it's enjoyable. I love it. Burning calories becomes my ultimate high because I know how thrilling and wonderful it will feel when he sees me looking stunning on Friday. No feeling compares to that.

"All little girls should be told they are pretty, even if they aren't," said Marylin Monroe.
I thoroughly agree. It has made me the happiest girl in the world to be told the things that Theo told me, and to be told them by Theo, because his opinion means everything to me. It makes my eating disorder a happy thing, that gave me happiness, and will give me even more.


  1. While I hope you enjoy your Friday with Theo, please do set realistic expectations. I hope it's not insensitive of me to ask, but do you mind sharing your current height and weight?

  2. Darling: I read every single word of your blog and loved it. the crazy night. theo. drinking. I love your writing style. Theo sounds like a darling boy, full of wonderful compliments for you. and Marilyn Monroe is the shit!


Post a Comment

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)

Popular posts from this blog


I have wanted to come back for a little while. So much has happened since my last post. Work colleagues mostly, a trial run with a boy from an app. Arthur, Francis, Gregory, Vincent, Russell, Simon R. Shoes that didn't fit. There are pages about them of course, not here, but in notebooks and scribbles on my phone written on my tube commute. Some indifference, some annihilation, all part of my continual journey.

In February, I met Thomas, and the turn began. We began dating in April, I was labelled his girlfriend in August, and he is the kindest man I have ever let into my life.

I went to Bali in March. Like the healing of the Nile, the energy pulsed deep into my cells and blood and I have not let it go yet. The vibrations of the gong still echoing in my ears, the sunrise still glowing in my heart, the peace and tranquillity in the silent hum of those green fields... I came back with a deep, divine knowledge, that I treasure, every time I am close to forgetting.

And now, I am train…

"Feeling 22, acting 17"

Except at 26, neither feeling 22 nor acting 17 is okay.

All the secrets I have to keep.

I can't tell anyone what I did last night. Except the whole world here, with my anonymous face.

Because I know I should be ashamed.

All week I had been thinking about Gareth. Thinking, longing, dreaming - at the expense of my work and my sanity.
But the strangest thing happened to my eating. No binges, no starving, no vomiting, just level-headed control. Was it the faux joy?

We spoke every day: whatsapp, office messenger, lunches in the bank restaurant and 'meetings' in the bank coffee shop, sessions in the gym and runs along embankment. No sense for being sensible and holding back, getting closer and closer. I wanted to be closer and closer. I kept thinking about having my hands on him. Fuck him. Fuck him for literally putting those thoughts firmly in my mind. And damn me for going back to being the fuck up I'd suppressed for so long.

It's no coincidence that my one-…

"Here I am, sane and dry"

"I stayed there, staring at myself in the glass. What do I want to cry about?.... On the contrary, it's when l am quite sane like this, when I have had a couple of extra drinks and am quite sane, that I realize how lucky I am.
Saved, rescued, fished-up, half drowned, out of the deep, dark river, dry clothes, hair shampooed and set. Nobody would know I had ever been in it. Except, of course, that there always remains something. Yes, there always remains something....Never mind, here I am, sane and dry, with my place to hide in. What more do I want?....I'm a bit of an automaton, but sane, surely - dry, cold and sane. Now I have forgotten about dark streets, dark rivers, the pain, the struggle and the drowning...."
Jean Rhys, Good Morning, Midnight