Thursday, 2 December 2010

Old habits...

Anonymous said...

stop binge eating stop throwing up stop taking laxatives and you'll be fine. eat a bit and starve the rest of the time. if you can't starve eat a little bit of fruit or veg. if you carry on like this, if you lose alex, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.
get it together. 14 June 2010 13:18

I never forgot this comment - so I went back to search for it. I never forgot it because even at the time, I knew it was so true, and I wasn't strong enough - am not strong enough - to end the binge and purge cycle.
Sometimes I get these pro-ana comments which are harsh but true. I like them.
I noticed how many comments I have that I've never been able to respond to properly - and I apologise, because I haven't had the time to show how every single one has been read and taken into my heart. I'm going to catch up and write back this next week.
 
When I was at my most disciplined I was wonderfully thin.
In the beginning of my second year of uni, I ate a small bowl of porridge in the morning, hit the gym for 800 calories, ate noodles and veg for lunch and snacked on fruit for dinner. I'll never forget when I went back to Jon's for the first time. He ran his hands down my naked torso and he said wow.
I used to be able to do that.
Men used to want me and be intimidated by me. I used to feel sexy and powerful. I used to be out of their league.
 
I'm in a league of my own now - alone. I should join over-eaters anonymous for company.
Even if I go back to being thin, I'll never get that life back. I'm 23 now, not 18. I'm taking a job in a girls boarding school not a thriving testosterone filled city. I'll have no chance to kiss a guy or sleep with a guy for a year at least. That's just the life I've chosen now in this job.
 
I crave.
 
I crave my old life back.
 
I want to take all these cravings away - not by giving in to them - but by just erasing them. I don't want to crave these things. But I can't seem to shake the things that have given me my highs over the years - they're like drugs.
 
I took a little dose on Tuesday. Burnt 800 calories in the gym on an empty stomach. Just like the old days. High, high as a kite I flew, couldn't even bear the thought of eating...
came home and shut the door. No pretty dress, no party, no fit guy to target.
I needed a high dammit, I needed to do it again and again, I needed to fly... but there's no motivation, for the first time in my life.
And I chose that - I took away all the motivation so that I could get better. Cold turkey.
 
I miss those days. When I dedicated day upon day to the gym, dragging my aching legs up the stairs, starving and drained of everything, feeling my body glowing, feeling my muscles tighter and toned. I can't explain that euphoria and I am craving it so badly. I used to lie to my Mum - saying I was going to the library and go to the gym instead. I loved it dammit. I always did it with a picture of a guy in my mind - or a date of a party. There was always an end goal.
Without those goals I am nothing and I let myself be nothing.
 
It's almost as if living was just too hard in the end, and I had to kill myself in one way or another. So I chose this: I killed off my friends, my love interests and my social life, I killed off my name in the public sphere in the hope that it would kill off whatever was feeding my eating disorder and kill off the monster itself. Instead, it has fed the monster I hated most of all - the one that eats and binges and does not care.
 
...
 
I've lost my train of thought. My arms are bleeding.
I just sat on my bed as my Mum trashed my room. Screaming
You're a waste. You're a failure. Sitting on your big fat arse 24 hours a day in that corner. You're not sick you're lazy. You eat everything. You're a failure. You don't have an eating disorder. You don't have depression. YOU'RE JUST LAZY. FAILURE. Wanting to be 'pretty'! You'll never be pretty!
trashed my room.
When I was younger I used to cry in front of her.
Now I never.
When she slams the door in my face then I break. I cry, shaking, cutting, chasing pills with alcohol stashed in my cupboard.
 
I just went downstairs to take all the pills I could find.
And I stopped after a few. Because i want to live, I believe it will get better, I believe I will get out, I believe I will be happy, I believe I can get out, I believe, I have to believe... I've been believing for the last ten years. It will come, it will come, it will come, you'll get out, you'll get better, year after year, from childhood into adulthood...
 
There you go. The post, live as it happened.
 
This picture would be perfect if I was deadly stick thin. then it would be like some beautiful, tortured tragedy.
Actually, I'm fat. And listening to a video of me and Alex laughing in the Malvern hills. Crying still while the wounds on my arms sting.

My combats have dust on them.
 
 

17 comments:

  1. I wish I had something marvelous to tell you to you make everything go away and to make you smile. But I don't know what to say really except for I know what you mean about losing your social life and using those goals to push you....and that your mom is a complete arsehole....not that you needed someone to tell you that.

    All I can say is that it will most likely be very good when you get away from living in the place you are now. Change is a new chance. You can accomplish whatever it is you choose...but making a choice is the hardest when it isn't really clear what the choices are I suppose. That's how i feel. Right now I just try to have it all.

    Keep going and stay strong.
    I know you have it in you.

    Sending my love!

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  2. Love and hugs speeding across London to find you. I'm so glad that you still have your dreams. Even though we've been talking a lot about finding reality and keeping our feet on the ground, hopes and dreams are the essence of life, and we're nothing without them.

    If it helps, I believe that you will be happy too. It just takes a bit longer for some of us to find it.
    xxxxxxxxxxxx

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  4. OMG I want to show your mother the back of my hand, and the toe of my boot, and my left forearm, and my fucking fingernails. What a fucking stupid thing to do! What godawful untrue things to say! I'm very, very glad for your sake you are getting out of that environment.

    Hang in there, you'll be away from the toxicity soon.

    EDIT: Fucking typo >.<;

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  5. Wow, your mother deserves a good slap in the face. Please don´t believe what she tells you, you have to know you´re not any of those things.
    I crave things from my past too, but I´m trying to stop living in the past and concentrate in the present.
    It´s good that you want to live, you will get better and find happyness.
    We are here for you hon
    xx

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  6. It's such a big step that you know you WANT to get better, now the next step is not as far away as it seems. Because you wánt it, the will that usually would drag you down and would throw you back into that spiral of losing, bingeing and purging, something that just continued and went on and on and on, you have the will and the strength to get out of it. I believe it, and you believe it yourself as well. We're all here for you if you need any help, or sweet words.

    As for your mother... I know exactly how you feel, because my mum's just the same, my mum has been like that for almost 10 years so I know how you feel. The things that hurtsme the most is that a mother is programmed to love her children unconditionally, and this behavior just doesn't apply to that rule (in my opinion) so yeah..
    Life sucks m'dearest, but giving up sucks even more.

    As soon as you are out of there you can have a new start and fill in your life the way you want it, it's gonna change your life and I know that there will be a positive outcome.

    We're all here for you, and if you ever need any of us, we'll help you out.
    Love, x

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  7. Why do you even have that "award winner - Top Blog Anorexia" .. You are NOT anorexic!

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  8. look after yourself cherie. don't believe these words, she must be very unhappy and very bitter, and very helpless,and she is talking about herself and projecting it onto you to be less lonely. but this is not within your responsibilty. you have to look after yourself.
    you are taking a break you are not giving up, you are getting well. I know glamour when i see it, and you take it with you, it will be where you are. just be kind. to yourself, i been reading a lot of your posts and I'm spoiled and stubborn and not easily impressed. if i can love you, you can.
    x
    (and you might even return one day, gordonstoun boys and canary wharf is not all the city has to offer!)

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  9. Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry you mother said those things to you. That isn't right.

    I'm glad you didn't take all those pills. Things will get better, but at the same time we must try and make them better. Be your own fairy godmother.

    I would look at the year with the all girls boarding school as a year that you can make all your own. Take the time to love yourself, and to get to know yourself better.

    You're beautiful, and wonderful, even if you don't think you are. <3

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  10. i'll go ninja on your mums ass if you'd like?!
    in all seriousness though, get out of there, as soon as you can. like loulou said, look after yourself. you don't deserve to be shouted at like that.

    proud to be follower 506

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  11. You are amazing, and what your mother said to you is NOT right, nor is a word of it true. You are beautiful, talented, intelligent, and I'm so glad you have this year coming up to really focus on yourself, rather than what others may think of you. You definitely deserve self-love as much as the next person; it's scary, at first, but definitely, you are worth it.

    And I love you and will support you every step of the way. :)

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  12. Oh, goodness, you said it perfectly. It would be so lovely if we were thin. If only, and then it would be tragic and beautiful, and people would love us and on and on say the diseased brains. It sucks to not have the "old days" back. Sucks major ass. *gutsigh*

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  13. Hunny bunny,

    We have never spoken, but I can tell you right away that your blog gives me strength. It tells me there is a place to be brutally honest. I may be older than you, but your courage has inspired me further than you can imagine. None of us are perfect. We all have flaws, however, your on line presence is absolutely wonderful. You make me feel less alone in the ever-lasting judgmental abyss that society presents. Your mother sounds like a nasty bitch. I imagine that when she looks at you that she sees some component of your father. You are not your father as I am not mine. If she can not appreciate and respect you (as this does not sound like a new issue) then resolve to free yourself of this ongoing hatred. We all have imperfections, but we are capable of being happier and lighter. We can accomplish whatever we choose if we put our minds to it. Hang in there. We will choose our own paths...looking forward to <100 lbs in 2011. See you there!

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  14. I too miss the days when I had social outlets and friends and maintaining thin seemed easy and fixing a binge seemed easy and I felt better when I refused food.

    The horrible thing about an ED is that it's like an abusive relationship. It lures you in with false promises and good feelings and then by the time you realize it's bad for you, it's too late and you're addicted.

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  15. You know...it's all to easy for an outside to tell someone to stop binge eating. Don't we wish it was all that easy....to just s-t-o-p?

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