stop binge eating stop throwing up stop taking laxatives and you'll be fine. eat a bit and starve the rest of the time. if you can't starve eat a little bit of fruit or veg. if you carry on like this, if you lose alex, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.
get it together. 14 June 2010 13:18
I never forgot this comment - so I went back to search for it. I never forgot it because even at the time, I knew it was so true, and I wasn't strong enough - am not strong enough - to end the binge and purge cycle.
Sometimes I get these pro-ana comments which are harsh but true. I like them.
I noticed how many comments I have that I've never been able to respond to properly - and I apologise, because I haven't had the time to show how every single one has been read and taken into my heart. I'm going to catch up and write back this next week.
When I was at my most disciplined I was wonderfully thin.
In the beginning of my second year of uni, I ate a small bowl of porridge in the morning, hit the gym for 800 calories, ate noodles and veg for lunch and snacked on fruit for dinner. I'll never forget when I went back to Jon's for the first time. He ran his hands down my naked torso and he said wow.
I used to be able to do that.
Men used to want me and be intimidated by me. I used to feel sexy and powerful. I used to be out of their league.
I'm in a league of my own now - alone. I should join over-eaters anonymous for company.
Even if I go back to being thin, I'll never get that life back. I'm 23 now, not 18. I'm taking a job in a girls boarding school not a thriving testosterone filled city. I'll have no chance to kiss a guy or sleep with a guy for a year at least. That's just the life I've chosen now in this job.
I crave my old life back.
I want to take all these cravings away - not by giving in to them - but by just erasing them. I don't want to crave these things. But I can't seem to shake the things that have given me my highs over the years - they're like drugs.
I took a little dose on Tuesday. Burnt 800 calories in the gym on an empty stomach. Just like the old days. High, high as a kite I flew, couldn't even bear the thought of eating...
came home and shut the door. No pretty dress, no party, no fit guy to target.
I needed a high dammit, I needed to do it again and again, I needed to fly... but there's no motivation, for the first time in my life.
And I chose that - I took away all the motivation so that I could get better. Cold turkey.
I miss those days. When I dedicated day upon day to the gym, dragging my aching legs up the stairs, starving and drained of everything, feeling my body glowing, feeling my muscles tighter and toned. I can't explain that euphoria and I am craving it so badly. I used to lie to my Mum - saying I was going to the library and go to the gym instead. I loved it dammit. I always did it with a picture of a guy in my mind - or a date of a party. There was always an end goal.
Without those goals I am nothing and I let myself be nothing.
It's almost as if living was just too hard in the end, and I had to kill myself in one way or another. So I chose this: I killed off my friends, my love interests and my social life, I killed off my name in the public sphere in the hope that it would kill off whatever was feeding my eating disorder and kill off the monster itself. Instead, it has fed the monster I hated most of all - the one that eats and binges and does not care.
I've lost my train of thought. My arms are bleeding.
I just sat on my bed as my Mum trashed my room. Screaming
You're a waste. You're a failure. Sitting on your big fat arse 24 hours a day in that corner. You're not sick you're lazy. You eat everything. You're a failure. You don't have an eating disorder. You don't have depression. YOU'RE JUST LAZY. FAILURE. Wanting to be 'pretty'! You'll never be pretty!
trashed my room.
When I was younger I used to cry in front of her.
Now I never.
When she slams the door in my face then I break. I cry, shaking, cutting, chasing pills with alcohol stashed in my cupboard.
I just went downstairs to take all the pills I could find.
And I stopped after a few. Because i want to live, I believe it will get better, I believe I will get out, I believe I will be happy, I believe I can get out, I believe, I have to believe... I've been believing for the last ten years. It will come, it will come, it will come, you'll get out, you'll get better, year after year, from childhood into adulthood...
There you go. The post, live as it happened.
This picture would be perfect if I was deadly stick thin. then it would be like some beautiful, tortured tragedy.
Actually, I'm fat. And listening to a video of me and Alex laughing in the Malvern hills. Crying still while the wounds on my arms sting.
My combats have dust on them.
Hillary Clinton meme
8 months ago