Thursday, 15 October 2009

Dear Non-ED (a.k.a. 'normal') Friends...

So, it appears that the girls at law school still count me as a friend after my excessive drunkenness last week.
But friends - female friends - they come at such a price for the eating disordered...

I'm at the college all day, everyday - a lecture first thing in the morning and a workshop last thing in the afternoon - which means that we have a four-hour break in the middle.
Since my very first day I've spent these four-hour breaks with a bunch of girls in my lecture group - and while they are really nice and I'm so grateful beyond belief that I made friends so quickly, it's a MASSIVE struggle for me.
Having an eating disorder is so easy when you spend most of your time by yourself - no-one gives a damn if you ate and no-one knows any better if you did or you didn't. Having an eating disorder is shit when you have to pretend to be all smiley and normal all day long. It's shit when you have to spend lunchtime with your 'friends' who constantly talk about food, love going out to buy food, love getting nice things to eat, etc, etc. It's shit when everyday they eat and you can't/won't. It's shit, shit, shit.
Now, I could just sit on my own during this four-hour break - go out and walk or something - but then I'd have no friends. I either have an easy, untroubled anorexic life without friends OR put on a lying mask of happy pretence and have good friends.


So I told you in my last post that I admitted to one of these girls that I was bulimic after I drunkenly shoved my fingers down my throat in the middle of the street to make myself sick (an almost unconscious reflex action for me now whenever I have stuff inside my stomach). Well she hasn't said anything to me about it since, and likewise I haven't said anything more to her.
Did she tell the others? I don't know. I just have to trust and hope that she didn't.
But she did say at the time, that she had thought I had an ED because I never ate at lunch. So, do the other girls have suspicions too? I don't know. But there isn't really any way I can pretend to eat every day, so, let them think what they want.

Today, during the lunchtime conversation, one girl began talking about the sister of her friend and described her as 'really anorexic'. And of course everyone was just like "omg, why don't they just eat, I'd never do that," blah blah blah, and the girl went on on to say, her friend had said "Yeah I had anorexia, but at least I was 14 not 20!"
"Exactly, I mean come on, anorexic when you're 20? God how pathetic!"
I sat through this whole conversation starting at my book. I was gripping it so hard my knuckles were white.
I'm 22.
You're fucking telling me that it's not socially acceptable to have an eating disorder when you're an adult?! It's ok when you're young and silly, and it's 'just a phase' is that it?! Just a phase?! Oh, how pathetic that you're so stupid to have anorexia when you're so old!

If I had any balls I'd have stood up and defended all the girls and young women like me, the people who read this blog and whose blogs I follow, women who I love and respect, who have to deal with stupid fucking prejudices like that.
But I just sat there
Staring at the page
With white knuckles.


I'M NOT STUPID, I'M NOT PATHETIC, I'M NOT ILL, I'M NOT BRAINWASHED BY MAGAZINES, I'M NOT A FREAK, I DONT WANT TO BE A CELEBRITY.

I just want to be thin.


Dear Non-ED (a.k.a. 'normal') Friends,
It must be really nice to be happy with your 'womanly' hips and your soft belly.
I'm genuinely very happy for you.
I don't hate you for it. I accept it.
- So why do you 'normal' girls hate anorexics so much?
- Why can't you just be happy for me how I am?







21 comments:

  1. Wow! THANK YOU! That's so ridiculous that is more acceptable for a 14 year old to have anorexia than a 20 year old. We're just trying to find contentment with our bodies, something they were born with. I have normal friends too, and I love them to bits, but sometimes they say the worst things without even knowing, or caring really. I really love reading your blog, by the way.

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  2. ahh I'm sort of in the same situation, all my friends eat at lunch, and I don't. and yes, it's hard to pretend and smile and laugh when all you want to do is cry, but it's the price you have to pay if you want friends who are there for you.
    I'm sorry you had to listen to them say that, that is completely wrong, and I admit, I am still young, but I do not believe in anyway that it's a "stupid phase" or whatever, seriously, I'm sorry.
    I hope you feel better soon.

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  3. yes you accept them but i shall hazard a guess...

    they are not really happy with their womanly hips really they want to drop a dress size so they hate on the people who do what they wish they could do when you refuse the cake and they dont they dont like it
    just a theory

    like when im in a bad mood i have a hobby of hating on fat people because they get to eat why the hell cant i eat? if only it were as easy as just eat

    ophelia darling you are never pathetic many adults suffer with eds what that gilr said was naive

    xx

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  4. My god I hate it when people say that! It's really not that easy.
    It's like when they say only emo kids self harm.
    Fucking bollocks :(
    I wish you all the best I really do. I'm sure you can be strong at lunch times, don't worry :)

    Much love xoxox

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  5. i am 14. but i know that my ED is most likely something i'm still going to have when i'm 20. pathetic? no. we are just stronger, and they are jealous. and jealously turns into hate. but i'd much rather be the one everyone is jealous *of* than the one who *is* jealous, wouldn't you?
    i get so much crap from my friends about not eating, so i feel for you on that.
    *hugs*

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  6. Funny thing is, I agree with those girls. It is pretty fucking stupid, and we should know better.

    Still, my eating disorder has really only crept up on me after high school and in my 20s. Now at 23 it is fairly well established. And yes, I should know better, and I DO know that I will eventually have to fix this. But right now I like it. And the universe gives me so much positive feedback about my smaller body that it's a quite a contradiction for it to also tell me I should change.

    x

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  7. WOW! this was one very powerful post! thank you so much for posting it! Im 22 2 btw and I cant believe those girls were talking like that! They have made themselves out to be totally clueless and ignorant! You cant talk or have an opinion on anything unless you yourselve have been in that situation wheter it be ed or abortion! how dare they! Im sure your friend didnt say anything about your drunken confession but obviously people would have suspicions if you never eat at lunch time. I always get hot water and add low cal soup sachets and take forever to drink them when I find I have to be social!!
    gud luck!
    I tink you should keep friendships tho then spending a 4hr break alone! Never ever be too isolated! xx

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  8. Jealousy, jealousy, jealousy. It all boils down to that. What woman doesn't want to be 5 pounds thinner. So while "normal" women vilify the anorexics for our lifestyle of "unhealthy" choices, and say they would never do the same, deep down, they wish they had the control we all do. They wish they could go a whole day, much less week, without food, and hate the fact they actually want the food so much, while to us, it is something we would rather do without. They want to look like we do, and act like we do, but they don't have the courage or the strength to be like us, to BE us. So they are jealous.

    I once was getting lunch in the dining hall at my undergrad school, and had a plate of grilled cheese and tomato soup. Now, this was to be my only meal of the day, so I was planning on eating the whole grilled cheese. I passed by three "average" (read: chunky) girls who I heard whisper to eachother as I passed, "Look at her, she's so skinny. That's disgusting. I bet she's not even going to eat all that." I just smiled to myself and sat down. After I had finished my meal, I got up to get myself a cup of tea, and witnessed, on my way back to my seat, the girls huddled around my plate, staring at the remnants of my lunch. How ridiculous can you get?? They were actually looking to see how much I had eaten. Last time I checked, you weren't nutritionists. Thanks. When they saw me, they scattered. I still wish to this day that I had a cookie in my hand to make them even more jealous. Stupid jealous bitches is all they were, are, and will ever be.

    Just take the jealousy as a sign that you are doing well. Be proud that all eyes are on you; and the more people are talking about you, the better you're doing.

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  9. I'm 22 as well, and I encounter shit like this all the time. Everyone holds the belief that every girl goes through a "phase" when they'e young, but to do it when you're older is really "gross" etc.
    It's total shit.
    And you're no pathetic. They are for being so blind about the world and the realities that exist in it.

    And as far as the normal eating friends, I know exactly how you feel. People who don't have an ED assume it's a bunch of things it's not and that no one they know has one, or they don't understand the realities of such if they suspect someone does.

    Fools.

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  10. I know what you mean. It's hard to have friends and Ana at the same time... Nearly impossible, really. Sometimes you feel so alone, but other times, you feel like there's just too many people around, you know? Or is that just me?
    But you really must forgive your friends. They have no fucking clue what it's like to have your mind messed up enough to have an ED, and they hopefully never will, so there's no possible way they can understand. Take everything they say with little or no regard. They don't mean to hurt you or offend you, i'm sure.

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  11. Thank you so much, I've seen so many people do that and I just want to slap them. ED's do NOT have an age. Anyone can have one and it's not some silly adolescent phase.

    Hunny, you aren't pathetic. Your the furthest thing from. Don't pay any attention to what those girls say about us all. They're ignorant and have no clue.

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  12. Thankyou so much!

    I unleashed on someone of Facebook tho other day for bashing suicidal and depressed people. Time to stomp those who crap on the eating disordered.

    <3 I'd slap her for you, but I can't reach

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  13. ahhhhh i just wish people would understand that this is NOT ABOUT FOOD. no matter how much we talk about thinness and bodies and bones and food, it's not about that at all. it's about something deeper, something far more sinister. it's like offering cough drops to cure a cough when the person has pneumonia.

    i'm sorry you had to sit through that. i wouldn't have been able to say anything to them either. i am 24. there are so many people who have been anorexic for 20, 30, 40 years. it's clearly not just a phase and it's not about food and it's certainly not "just about eating something". it sucks because they don't know any better and they obviously weren't trying to hurt you.

    hang in there. xx x x

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  14. What a painfully lovely post. I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that. I'm in my 30s and realizing that I've spent a lifetime with disordered eating without knowing what to call it. No one has a right to judge.

    I think you are strong and beautiful. Perhaps as you get better acquainted with these girls there will be some understanding. Or they may just be jealous bitches. Either way - I send you strength.

    Be strong.
    xox

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  15. ooo...this is a tough predicament you're in, but sadly, not entirely uncommon. firstly, I'm sorry you had to hear that. If they knew about you, they must have staged this convo as an "intervention". Ofcourse, it just sounds so judgemental.

    my advice? just move on. Eat fruit when you have no way to count calories and say you're vegetarian. Have lunch though, because you have to keep up appearances. OR have one meal a day (or the week) when you're with your friends so you can keep their suspicions at bay.

    it sucks, but there's nothing you can do. it's either having a social life or having none at all. hard eh? yea, tell me about it. my flatmate thought i was anorexic our first week together...so i'm doing everything i can to eat in front of her.

    xxx

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  16. Wow!So deep! Its so truee i've been judged by girls from my high schoolwho say my blog is disgusting and sick! I don't encourage it but t is who I am!
    Thanks thispost was beautiful

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  17. It sounds a bit like Ally McBeal via a John Hughes film.

    I realise that might be inappropriate, but sincerity is difficult to express by way of the computer screen.

    There's not much distinction between 'normal' people and people with things that need sorting out. It's just that the former are masking the fact that, actually, they fit into the latter.

    :)

    http://trustyourtechnolust.blogspot.com

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  18. It makes me want to cry, I already feel bad that at 23 I have not yet conqured my fear of eating, that for some reason as soon as I hit my 20's I should have grown out of the cycle of self loathing, binging, purging and starvation I put mysef through on a regular basis. But I haven't, it doesn't work that way. When I was 14 I stopped eating and now I'm 23 I've evolved my desire to be thin to the point where I am sneaky, take laxatives and make myself throw up. It's worse with age as we "know better" but that does not mean we are pathetic or deserving of other peoples scorn and pity. Just because we are fragile does not mean we deserve to be broken. Sending you all my love xxx Stay strong and remember, you can survive xxx

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  19. Oh my darling Ophelia... it sounds horrible for you. Be strong OK? I believe in you <3

    Let's do this. Once and for all. Let's get down to seven stone and let's stay there.

    Sending you lots of love X X X

    Beauty and bones!

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  20. Loved reading your blog.

    Random question; were you a CB member at one point by any chance?

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  21. Hey,
    Well I don't have an eating disorder and I'm definitely not anorexic but I would like to say that although I have 'womanly hips' and a 'soft belly'- it definitely isn't what I want. I have thinspo just like most girls. I don't look in the mirror and adore my fat- I HATE IT! I want to get rid of it & I want to be stick skinny.
    The only difference is that I don't have the willpower or self control to stop myself from eating. I want to be healthy but I so badly want to be thin.
    So maybe you can help me. I don't want to have an eating disorder(although people have said I do.)
    Any tips of how I can stop myself from eating bad foods?

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