So, it appears that the girls at law school still count me as a friend after my excessive drunkenness last week.
But friends - female friends - they come at such a price for the eating disordered...
I'm at the college all day, everyday - a lecture first thing in the morning and a workshop last thing in the afternoon - which means that we have a four-hour break in the middle.
Since my very first day I've spent these four-hour breaks with a bunch of girls in my lecture group - and while they are really nice and I'm so grateful beyond belief that I made friends so quickly, it's a MASSIVE struggle for me.
Having an eating disorder is so easy when you spend most of your time by yourself - no-one gives a damn if you ate and no-one knows any better if you did or you didn't. Having an eating disorder is shit when you have to pretend to be all smiley and normal all day long. It's shit when you have to spend lunchtime with your 'friends' who constantly talk about food, love going out to buy food, love getting nice things to eat, etc, etc. It's shit when everyday they eat and you can't/won't. It's shit, shit, shit.
Now, I could just sit on my own during this four-hour break - go out and walk or something - but then I'd have no friends. I either have an easy, untroubled anorexic life without friends OR put on a lying mask of happy pretence and have good friends.
So I told you in my last post that I admitted to one of these girls that I was bulimic after I drunkenly shoved my fingers down my throat in the middle of the street to make myself sick (an almost unconscious reflex action for me now whenever I have stuff inside my stomach). Well she hasn't said anything to me about it since, and likewise I haven't said anything more to her.
Did she tell the others? I don't know. I just have to trust and hope that she didn't.
But she did say at the time, that she had thought I had an ED because I never ate at lunch. So, do the other girls have suspicions too? I don't know. But there isn't really any way I can pretend to eat every day, so, let them think what they want.
Today, during the lunchtime conversation, one girl began talking about the sister of her friend and described her as 'really anorexic'. And of course everyone was just like "omg, why don't they just eat, I'd never do that," blah blah blah, and the girl went on on to say, her friend had said "Yeah I had anorexia, but at least I was 14 not 20!"
"Exactly, I mean come on, anorexic when you're 20? God how pathetic!"
I sat through this whole conversation starting at my book. I was gripping it so hard my knuckles were white.
You're fucking telling me that it's not socially acceptable to have an eating disorder when you're an adult?! It's ok when you're young and silly, and it's 'just a phase' is that it?! Just a phase?! Oh, how pathetic that you're so stupid to have anorexia when you're so old!
If I had any balls I'd have stood up and defended all the girls and young women like me, the people who read this blog and whose blogs I follow, women who I love and respect, who have to deal with stupid fucking prejudices like that.
But I just sat there
Staring at the page
With white knuckles.
I'M NOT STUPID, I'M NOT PATHETIC, I'M NOT ILL, I'M NOT BRAINWASHED BY MAGAZINES, I'M NOT A FREAK, I DONT WANT TO BE A CELEBRITY.
I just want to be thin.
Dear Non-ED (a.k.a. 'normal') Friends,
It must be really nice to be happy with your 'womanly' hips and your soft belly.
I'm genuinely very happy for you.
I don't hate you for it. I accept it.
- So why do you 'normal' girls hate anorexics so much?
- Why can't you just be happy for me how I am?
Hillary Clinton meme
9 months ago