Wednesday, 20 January 2010

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead, I think I made you up inside my head

There are tears stinging the backs of my eyelids every time I shut my eyes to pause. This world is hurting me so much. The truth is, I'm living, I'm so very much alive, so fit, so healthy, at my peak... except I'm doing it for the spectres that haunt me and keep my blood running so cold. I am a living eating disorder.
That's it.
There's nothing else left in my head anymore.

You know, I'd give anything, to update my facebook status to say really 'what's on my mind'. Don't you ever just want to scream at the top of your voice. "PLEASE HELP ME. Underneath this pretty blush and giddy personality I'm dying, I'm torturing myself, I'm killing myself. Please fucking help me."

I've reached the stage where I can't eat anything without throwing it up. The only reason I'm not losing weight is because my initial intake is so much that I can't be getting even half the calories back up anymore.
I'm 22 years old and my life is over - because I cannot live it.

It's weird... I don't think anyone who knows me would believe me if I told them: I threw up four times yesterday: in fact I'm brilliant at it - I've perfected it. I can throw up anything, anywhere, anytime. Could you believe that of anyone? Surely it only happens to teenage girls on rubbish TV dramas.

I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to be held in someone's arms.
I want to be held in someone's arms. For comfort. Because they see how much I'm suffering. Because they love me. Because they understand. Because I'm not just a drama queen to them.
I want to be held in someone's arms. I want to be safe. Protected from myself.
I just want to be held in someone's arms.
But there is no-one.



I went to see D. I fasted successfully, I ran myself into the ground in the gym, burning 1,000 calories daily. I got down to my lowest recent weight. And, following that, after three days of binging, am back to my highest. 10lbs - up and down, easy as that. Starve, binge. Up, down.
I went to every effort to look perfect for him. I wore the cutest top to show my flat tummy off.
There was nothing in my body. I was so completely empty.
And I tortured myself to look perfect for him.
Nothing happened, not really. He fixed my kit, we chatted a little, it was nice, pleasant, I left. He didn't suggest I stayed longer, he didn't get me a drink, ask me to dinner and he certainly didn't kiss me. Ha!
I took it as the greatest failure.
I don't know what the fuck I was expecting to happen on a casual meeting in the late afternoon.
A declaration of love? Passionate sex?
Apparently so.
Clearly, that was never going to happen. I am seriously deluded.
So I ate. Because I could. Because I failed. Because I needed to be punished.

Well I certainly punished myself. He was all I thought about for four weeks. I am such a freak.

What's the point? My heart is so empty.


19 comments:

  1. if i could, i would definitely hold you in my arms and comfort you with a hug :(
    sometimes words just can't cut it. don't give up on you just yet. <3

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  2. boys come and go, cheer up, its not all bad.
    never give up on your dreams, what ever they are :)

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  3. *big big hugs* I'm sorry you've hit such a low point, hun. I'm sorry you didn't get all the affection you deserve. This low point will pass. You'll be back on track. And you'll always have all of the support of us who follow you. We believe in you. I certainly do.

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  4. Aw, sweetheart. I love you! Hang in there; it'll definitely have to get better soon.

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  5. I would give you the biggest hug right now if I could. I'm so sorry you're so down right now. Maybe you need to give that guy a little more time to come around. Whatever the case, hang in there. The only way to look is up.


    Emily

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  6. Hope things get better soon sweetie, i wish i could say something to make it seem ok, but i cant.

    Just stay strong and things will seem better over time.

    xx

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  7. Dearest, dearest darlin'! I just found your comment. I cant believe I started a blog and could not write. It was just that i couldn't stand myself at all. But I've updated today.
    As I am reading your recent post i can feel every single word, or better I know how that feels. I really do not know how to make you feel better, but maybe this helps a tiny little bit. When i was at uni in ldn, i was totally obsessed with this DJ. I loved his club the music the crowd. We became friends but i wanted him sosososo much to love me. I spent all my money on clothes, I starved my self etc etc you name it, YOU know it. He started seen another girl. I was so devastated! It just had to be my looks, my fat , my horrible face... 6 month later I had this conversation with the Djs brother. I kind of confessed to him, how much i was in love and that i really had felt that he seemed to be attracted, but then... You know what his brother said? "he told me you were one of the most beatifull girls he'd ever seen.But he just wasn't in love with you"
    I don't know if it helps. it - in a very twisted way - helped me a lot at the time. And btw.. hey, ophelia what kind of man would D be, if he would have been all over you at your first ..date? meeting? whatever.. Please don't give up.Don't give up your life.You are worth so much more than this. You are so strong, and you are beautiful. I know it, absolutely. Love, Lucy

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  8. Darling, you are amazing. With your words, you touch so many of us in ways that I cannot fully express... only that you say so beautifully how I feel daily, nightly, awake and dreaming. Only, my life is more beautiful when at rest. You can and you will conquer this demon... please don't give up hope. You have so much to give, and more to receive. With love,
    A will is the way

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  9. please do forgive my ADHD related spelling mistakes.
    xxx

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  10. oh hun please try to hang in there.just give him more time and if he cant see how beautiful and wonderful you are then that is HIS fault and not yours. it would be his loss to not see how great you are and you deserve the best.
    *hugs*
    meg

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  11. I'm so very sorry that you are feeling this way. You are so amazing and he is a fool if he doesn't see that. I hate that men drive us to so much distraction.

    Be well and stay lovely.
    xox
    A

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  12. Boys can be the best diet or the worst binge. I totally understand. Try not to let this guy control your feelings, as hard as it is. You are the only one who can control your feelings, just tell yourself that. You are worth so much more than some guy!

    xo

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  13. Awww I'm so sorry honey you feel this way. Life is certainly a bitch. Not easy at all. If the jerk didn't show the interest you wanted him to, well then, he's not the one. You didn't fail. HE failed to be the one for you. But all is not lost. Just get ready for the next one. Prince Charming exists. He has too. That's what I tell myself.

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  14. i'm sure he wanted to kiss you and hug you; but seeing that you are so perfect in his eyes, he probably did not have the courage to do so. keep hanging out with him. oh honey, you are NOT a failure. if you say you are, i should have died long time ago. ophelia, cheer up. it'll be a better day tomorrow...

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  15. Your words are so eloquent and beautiful. I am in awe of you, most of the time.

    Hope is a hard and hurting thing. I hope you find your way, with or without D.

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  16. I don't believe you. There is something inside you besides this eating disorder because you haven't broken down, fallen into fits. Let yourself go.

    You keep on every day. Smiling to the world like nothing is wrong. And you do it for more than just this rubbish boy who doesn't deserve you in all your fragile perfection. We do it because we know there's something bigger and grander out there.

    Keep fighting the beast inside you. I never want Ophelia's flame to be extinguished.

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  17. Oh fuck! D's a right twat!! He doesn't know what he's missing.

    Ophelia. Don't hate yourself. Ok? You're not allowed to hate yourself. You can't be your own enemy here. You have to just pick yourself up and move on. Someone else will come along really really soon. And you have to be ready! :)

    Ugh. I've been throwing up a lot recently... don't ask. It's not good. I can feel my teeth rotting away. I hate it. But sometimes I just have to - because I fail so badly after I've tried so hard and there's just no other option... I have to do it otherwise it's all been worth nothing. Does that make sense? No. Not really. Binge eating and then throwing up? It's so bad. It has to stop. It all has to stop.

    We can't wait for someone to come along and save us. We have to save ourselves.

    If you don't binge, you won't throw up. Do. Not. Let. That. Crap. Pass. Your. Lips. Do it for me OK? Pretend you're worth a million dollars and you're simply under contract. You can eat any of that food. You have to eat salads instead.

    This is so.... FRUSTRATING because we can do this so easily. But we just... give up. Because we let everything get to us, we let our emotions rule us, we feel out of control, we need some relief. But we just can't do it anymore. It's crazy. It's ruining everything. How can we even live like this?

    You're right, we understand eachother so well. We have to do this. For ourselves.

    Don't let yourself go. You have to stay in control. Walk away. Just have the strength to say no. Leave it alone. Yes it will hurt. It will make you so sad at first. But you'll wake up in the morning with the taste of success.

    The more we do it, the easier this will become. We have to kick these stupid habits. They've kept us trapped for so long. As soon as we stop stuffing this crap down our throats, all the fat, all the ugliness will fall away.

    We HAVE to do this.

    Find the strength. I'll be thinking of you constantly this week. Because this week... I'm drawing a line under the past and moving on. I'm not eating wheat, sugar or dairy anymore. (Not if I can help it anyway). I'm cutting all the processed, unhealthy, fattening, disgusting food out of my body, out of my life. FOR GOOD.

    Fresh fruit and vegetables. Leafy greens. A little meat or fish. Berries. Strawberry smoothies and green juices. Maybe a few nuts. Some avocado... and lots of water.

    No more. I'm full. My HEAD is full. It's full of beauty. I can overpower this destructive force inside of me. And soon... my body will be beautiful. We'll both be so beautiful... inside and out.

    Do not give up with this. Do anything you can to stop yourself from binge eating. If I can do it, you can definitely do it! Trust me, I'm a weak little weakling ;)

    This will be the biggest change in our lives. And it will make such a difference. Be strong. Hold on. And we'll get everything we've ever dreamed of.

    Holly x x x

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  18. "I'm 22 years old and my life is over - because I cannot live it."

    This made me cry

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