So, I have recived this Honesty Award from both Harlow and Flushed :
very touched, thank you :)
I've always attributed my brutal honesty to the fact that in my real life and towards real people I have to be so fake. This is the only medium through which I have the freedom to be able to tell everything as it is. As protocol is to give10 facts, and I feel in a 10 facts mood, here are 10 facts:
1. I regularly photoshop my photos on facebook to make myself thinner.
2. Yesterday I threw up three times after eating an uncountable amount of calories. Today I have burnt 500 cals, eaten 1,000 cals in protein/veg/fruit and kept it all down.
3. I'm going to watch Black Swan for the second time on Monday because looking at Natalie Portman's ballet body makes me hyper with the desire to starve.
4. I haven't had sex since I broke up with Alex in August and I'm probably not going to have sex for the whole of 2011. (Watch this space).
5. I miss hot sex. But not as much as I miss having a hot body to match.
6. My success at interview ratio has just gone down. It used to be a kickass ratio because I could act my arse off to employers.
7. Strangers always think I'm 18/19. I put this down to my chubby face.
8. I saw a picture of Lindsay Lohan today and thought she was so thin she looked disgusting.
9. I hate the fact that when I was at my super thinnest I was torturing myself worse than I do now. It should be the other way round.
10. It was exactly three years ago that I went to my Doctor at University and told him I was depressed. I asked him for medication and was signed up to the Eating Disorders Service. I didn't realise what an eating disorder was; I thought it would be over in 6 months.
Do you ever get that feeling like your brain is shrinking and drying up from too much exercise and not enough food? I'm feeling that right now, that tight feeling across my forehead - my poor starving brain.
Today was a good workout but nowhere near the levels I'm capable of. Tomorrow and Tuesday are marathon gym days. Can't wait. Nothing makes me more ecastic than sweat dripping off my body and feeling my legs burning brightly.
I went back home for a few days last week to find a Crosstrainer standing in our hallway. I nearly died with joy whilst being bemused that my mother clearly has no idea how much this helps my disorder. Plus I'm going to start tennis lessons in a few weeks. Ah, I'll be wearing shorts this summer ladies!
What is recovery?
I had an interview back in the City on Tuesday, just round the corner from where I used to work. One of the questions was: "Tell me about a time when you've had to make a difficult decision."
I spluttered and racked my brains in a panic. All I could come up with was: "When I was younger, I had an eating disorder. Deciding to get better was the toughest decision I ever made." I used buzz words like "self-discipline", "determination"...
"It would have been so easy to just let it be," I continued, "I wasn't on my deathbed, but I knew I couldn't work for a company like this, or have a family, or be the person I wanted to be if I didn't recover from my eating disorder..."
That's the third time I've lied about my eating disorder in an interview and pretended that I have recovered and "learnt so much!" The last two times I promptly got my rejection letter, one even stated that as the reason why. It was a stupid example to use and I regretted it the second I said it, but oh well, the City doesn't miss me anyway.
Instinctively, people don't give you a second chance once they know. They think I will have a mental illness for the rest of my life. And to be honest, I haven't done anything to prove that theory wrong.
I can't shake it off.
I have no idea how people recover from eating disorders. However many articles and books I read, I still don't understand my illness. I'd give anything for pills or medication or prayers to make it go away, but I can't... it's that elusive 'self discipline' that I talked about so proudly. I don't have the self-discipline to turn my back on who I am and what I believe in and desire. I don't have the self-discipline to eat like a normal person.
I'm sorry, I can't let the fat hang off my body and do nothing about it. Give me free range of the gym, give me woodland and paths to run, give me a crosstrainer in front of the TV, give me weights and protein shakes, give me that tight feeling across my forehead.
And I feel so happy, inside and out... and nothing in the world could make me eat 2,000 calories and lose this wonderful feeling. Nothing.
Recovery. Recovery to me means getting rid of the bulimia, getting rid of the manic binges and purging. Recovery means finally reaching my goal weight with controlled healthy foods and lots of exercise. That's why I left London and came here; to concentrate on my recovery.
I've always attributed my brutal honesty to the fact that in my real life and towards real people I have to be so fake. This is the only medium through which I have the freedom to be able to tell everything as it is. As protocol is to give10 facts, and I feel in a 10 facts mood, here are 10 facts:
1. I regularly photoshop my photos on facebook to make myself thinner.
2. Yesterday I threw up three times after eating an uncountable amount of calories. Today I have burnt 500 cals, eaten 1,000 cals in protein/veg/fruit and kept it all down.
3. I'm going to watch Black Swan for the second time on Monday because looking at Natalie Portman's ballet body makes me hyper with the desire to starve.
4. I haven't had sex since I broke up with Alex in August and I'm probably not going to have sex for the whole of 2011. (Watch this space).
5. I miss hot sex. But not as much as I miss having a hot body to match.
6. My success at interview ratio has just gone down. It used to be a kickass ratio because I could act my arse off to employers.
7. Strangers always think I'm 18/19. I put this down to my chubby face.
8. I saw a picture of Lindsay Lohan today and thought she was so thin she looked disgusting.
9. I hate the fact that when I was at my super thinnest I was torturing myself worse than I do now. It should be the other way round.
10. It was exactly three years ago that I went to my Doctor at University and told him I was depressed. I asked him for medication and was signed up to the Eating Disorders Service. I didn't realise what an eating disorder was; I thought it would be over in 6 months.
Do you ever get that feeling like your brain is shrinking and drying up from too much exercise and not enough food? I'm feeling that right now, that tight feeling across my forehead - my poor starving brain.
Today was a good workout but nowhere near the levels I'm capable of. Tomorrow and Tuesday are marathon gym days. Can't wait. Nothing makes me more ecastic than sweat dripping off my body and feeling my legs burning brightly.
I went back home for a few days last week to find a Crosstrainer standing in our hallway. I nearly died with joy whilst being bemused that my mother clearly has no idea how much this helps my disorder. Plus I'm going to start tennis lessons in a few weeks. Ah, I'll be wearing shorts this summer ladies!
What is recovery?
I had an interview back in the City on Tuesday, just round the corner from where I used to work. One of the questions was: "Tell me about a time when you've had to make a difficult decision."
I spluttered and racked my brains in a panic. All I could come up with was: "When I was younger, I had an eating disorder. Deciding to get better was the toughest decision I ever made." I used buzz words like "self-discipline", "determination"...
"It would have been so easy to just let it be," I continued, "I wasn't on my deathbed, but I knew I couldn't work for a company like this, or have a family, or be the person I wanted to be if I didn't recover from my eating disorder..."
That's the third time I've lied about my eating disorder in an interview and pretended that I have recovered and "learnt so much!" The last two times I promptly got my rejection letter, one even stated that as the reason why. It was a stupid example to use and I regretted it the second I said it, but oh well, the City doesn't miss me anyway.
Instinctively, people don't give you a second chance once they know. They think I will have a mental illness for the rest of my life. And to be honest, I haven't done anything to prove that theory wrong.
I can't shake it off.
I have no idea how people recover from eating disorders. However many articles and books I read, I still don't understand my illness. I'd give anything for pills or medication or prayers to make it go away, but I can't... it's that elusive 'self discipline' that I talked about so proudly. I don't have the self-discipline to turn my back on who I am and what I believe in and desire. I don't have the self-discipline to eat like a normal person.
I'm sorry, I can't let the fat hang off my body and do nothing about it. Give me free range of the gym, give me woodland and paths to run, give me a crosstrainer in front of the TV, give me weights and protein shakes, give me that tight feeling across my forehead.
And I feel so happy, inside and out... and nothing in the world could make me eat 2,000 calories and lose this wonderful feeling. Nothing.
Recovery. Recovery to me means getting rid of the bulimia, getting rid of the manic binges and purging. Recovery means finally reaching my goal weight with controlled healthy foods and lots of exercise. That's why I left London and came here; to concentrate on my recovery.
Woah. I've learnt a lot reading this post. I hope you get better, stay strong. <3
ReplyDeleteDamn I hate discrimination against people when they admit to mental illnesses. It's like the American Military's "Don't ask, don't tell" policy! D:<
ReplyDelete*Rofls* WHAT?!? 11 EVERY DAY?!? Fuck that with a rusty poleaxe! What on earth was in them, chalk dust and caffeine??
I'm glad you like the new layout :) I figured the wood fit with the tough lady in the header. That and my secret addiction to hardware stores. (Shhh, don't tell!)
Speaking of thinspo, thank you for that weighlifting chick! Phwoar! Looking at super-skinny girls just makes me feel hungry, but seeing toned, fit people makes me want to work out too. Must be one of those pavlovian things.
Dralion sends soggy loves. It's pissing down again and she was out doing cat stuff in the rain >.< Damp cat fur! AUGH!
Lots of love to you! xoxoxoxoxoxo
#1 is brilliant. I am going to start doing that. ha ha!
ReplyDeleteit is unfortunate that "mental disorders" are stigmatized. Your rejection for talking about your PAST eating disorder proves that there is NO acceptance. Here in Canada the government is trying to push mental health programs and awareness so that people aren't afraid to seek treatment it's too early to tell if it's effective. There has been a couple of higher profile suicides in the media lately that have fueled this.
I'm going to be wearing shorts this summer too! At least I'd better because I have a drawer full of (currently) too small ones motivating me.
~ H
You say the same things over again.
ReplyDeleteI don't think many people understand why they do what they do; why impulse so often wins over self-discipline and logic. I think the first step is perhaps an acceptance that it's not weakness and lack of control per se, it's part of who we are as people, it's how we're built.
ReplyDeleteI hope that maybe you can restructure your idea of recovery so that it involves a level of self-acceptance. You don't have to aim to be one of those irritating people who love everything about themselves, but to at least not hate yourself. That's my dream for recovery.
(of course I'd much prefer it if self-acceptance and thin could come hand in hand...!)
Heaps of love