I made the tag myself, put a picture of the beautiful Scarlett O'Hara on it, wrote about how I could be like her if I tried hard enough, laminated it, ran a long piece of string through to make a necklace. I wore it every day for months.
When I was 13 I had to get dressed in the dark, never exposing my body while I changed. I had to lie face down in the bath - I couldn't stand and shower. I had to wear jumpers everywhere to swamp the curve of my growing breasts.
When I was 8 I cried alone and in agony because I wasn't pretty. I decided I was the fattest in my class and I never let go of that.
However high I hold my head, the truth is that this eating disorder has destroyed me. It destroys me now, it will destroy me further. And yet I believe, I will always believe, that it will bring the happiness that I've longed for my whole life.
In all the years that I've had an eating disorder in one form or another, I have never gotten better. Even though at 23, I have never managed to reach this glory of happiness, I cannot help but fall for the promises that my evil angel whispers in my ear.
Clytie summed up something perfectly in a comment a few posts back saying: "You are the unattainable in view, but out of view you are so alone and fragile."
When I put on my dress and make up, when I perform on my public stage, I am powerful, smart, strong, brave, confident, aloof, desirable, fearless, envied. But it is an act. I tortured myself to play the part. The other side of me cuts everyone out, exercises, avoids people, never smiles, never chats, never socialises, never goes to meals, weak and shy, dark, tearful, nothing.
The people I work with here at the school would never recognise the bold and shining girl who has been interviewing back in London this week.
Yes... I'm going back to London in one and a half months.
I was born to wear a suit and high heels.
It felt so good to be out of cardigans.
I am desperate to go back to London, absolutely desperate, So much of me wishes I had stayed, that I was working in the great shiny Investment Bank, being taken out on dates by bankers, working out in the swankiest gyms. So I'm interviewing again and I'll be back in July, thinner, fitter, stronger, fuck it all, I BELIEVE in the unattainable. I didn't take the job in the Investment Bank back in December because I was fat and suicidal. I'm not fat and suicidal anymore - I'm thinner, fitter, stronger.
I will never stop being ambitious. Most jobs won't give me the adrenaline and pressure that I need. Being happy and enjoying my job has nothing to do with the girl you see at interview in a polished suit and polished hair. My job at the school has made me realise that content, comfortable, relaxed and average isn't what I want. Ambition, competitiveness, drive, pressure, hunger, materialism. I shouldn't have tried to change who I was and what I wanted. Being those things didn't make me a bad person. I'm sick of my therapist trying to make me believe that it's good to be average. I'm sick of it. Why the hell should I change who I am and who I want to be. I worked so hard at school to be the top of every class, I work so hard in the gym to keep my body toned and strong, I put myself through hell so I don't get fat. And doing those things are who I am, who I understand and who I need to be to achieve my ambitions.
I was supposed to come here to work in this boarding school to 'recover'. From a medical point of view, I've got worse. I still have a full blown eating disorder, just a different kind.
The latest piece of paper stuck on my bedroom wall reads:
"For as long as you maintain any of your BULIMIC characteristics, you will always be FAT and SECOND-RATE."
I had a period of bingeing last weekend because I ran my 10k race on Sunday. Although I'd done most of my training over the last two months without any carbs, getting a good time in the actual race was paramount to me, so I made the decision to eat well and fuel my muscles for race day.
I ate well. I fueled my muscles. I even replenished them afterwards. I ran the best and most comfortable I'd ever run. It was simply fabulous, having glucose in my body made such a difference to my stamina and I ran the whole circuit comfortably in 53:30. Although I had been aiming for 45-50 mins I feel happy because it was just so comfortable and I loved every second of it. I've got a half marathon set for September, but I might do another 10k before then just to meet that target of 45-50 mins.
Now that my race is over I've decided to cut back on the treadmill and running slightly and branch out a bit more. This week has also included a Ballet Class, Tennis Lesson, Swimming, Spin Classes and Bike, and the only word I can possibly use to describe it is glorious. Exercise is the greatest cure for feeling like shit - which in all honesty is how I feel most days. Once the endorphins kick in I feel invincible.
Nothing will stop me or change me.
I am who I am - and my eating disorder and ambition are a part of that.
|The morning walk I miss so much...|