Skip to main content

Praying for a survivor out there

If there is ANYONE out there who has recovered from an eating disorder...
And I mean COMPLETEY recovered, back to the pure, normal, natural way of eating and thinking that you were when you were first born...

PLEASE, I need you to reach out to me. And tell me it can be done. Because I simply cannot believe it otherwise.


  1. No my love, I cannot lie to you. But anything can be done. And I'm convinced you can do it, with the right help. And when you find that help, please send them my way. <3 thinking of you.

  2. Yes and No.
    It's been nine months since I last purged.
    Weeks since I last added up calories in my daily intake.
    A year since I last weighed myself voluntarily.
    1 month and 26 days since I last had sex with a stranger.
    It is possible. There is always, always hope. You've been to therapy, you know it's hard work and you gave up last time because you thought it was the stronger, braver choice to carry on punishing your body for your thoughts. I started by reading on addiction - I'm not an addict in a strict sense of the word but I think our behaviour is compulsive, irrational and controls absolutely every aspect of our life. I started out reading up on SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) which has a 12 step approach. The first resource they recommend you draw on is sobriety: a willingness to stop acting out our own personal bottom-line addictive behaviour on a daily basis. If you're not willing to change, you won't. It's as simple as that.
    Someone complimented me on how thin I was and asked me what my secret was the other night. A couple of years ago I would have said 600 calories a day and a lot of energetic sex. Now, it's because I don't binge, I don't fast and I don't diet. If we were strong willed enough, if we'd pursued anorexia absolutely, we'd both be dead by now. But we were strong willed enough to get our lowest weights which ARE achievements and even as someone in recovery I can appreciate my determination and self-control in starvation. But I now know I can channel those huge reserves of strength into changing my behaviour. I'm now on track to graduate with a first because I know how strong I am.
    I don't think it's weak to decide to change, to quit this way of life.
    I don't think relapse is inevitable either.
    I wish you all the best. No one deserves to punish their body like this. I really recommend having a look at AA or NA or SLAA websites for their perspective on recovery. I couldn't bear to look at the ED recovery websites - I just found them patronising and often really alienating.
    Much love xoxo

  3. Ophelia,

    I think Daisy put it very well: if you have the willpower to put your body through as much as you've had thus far, you definitely have what it takes to channel that willpower into recovering. You need to be more forgiving to yourself. I think recovery requires truly understanding and choosing a life that isn't controlled by these voices that tell you to place your appearance, physical beauty over every other aspect of your being. We'll most likely be more aware of what we eat, how we look, but we shouldn't let that dictate our lives to the point of overpowering it.

    I emailed you a year ago as a college sophomore. You send me a very kind email in response telling me to not give up on my own recovery. It's my turn to let you know that there's always hope. Everything is a matter of faith and attitude. Believe in yourself!


  4. i wouldn't count myself a completely fixed, but i'm a survivor for sure. from 15 i put up with this shit, i'm 21 now and things are finally OK.
    my last post
    read it, it might give you some sort of hope :)


    Check out this lady, she is tooootally over her anorexia and is going to get married in a couple of months. Get inspired! Watch her very first video and see her changing, it's incredible!

    I'm sure you'll get better soon. All you have to do is believe.

  6. DARLING. it can be done! I was anorexic as fuuck and shipped out to rehab at 98lbs down from 140lbs.
    it took shitloads of time but i'm so fucking happy and normal today and not fat.
    pleeease email or something.


Post a Comment

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)

Popular posts from this blog

"Here I am, sane and dry"

"I stayed there, staring at myself in the glass. What do I want to cry about?.... On the contrary, it's when l am quite sane like this, when I have had a couple of extra drinks and am quite sane, that I realize how lucky I am.
Saved, rescued, fished-up, half drowned, out of the deep, dark river, dry clothes, hair shampooed and set. Nobody would know I had ever been in it. Except, of course, that there always remains something. Yes, there always remains something....Never mind, here I am, sane and dry, with my place to hide in. What more do I want?....I'm a bit of an automaton, but sane, surely - dry, cold and sane. Now I have forgotten about dark streets, dark rivers, the pain, the struggle and the drowning...."
Jean Rhys, Good Morning, Midnight

Love. Sick.

And finally, today, I cried; soaked the tissues and pillowcase like I had been longing to do for weeks. The most I had been able to manage recently had been dry crying with a scrunched up face and aching heart. Such relief now to be able to physically release emotions other than vomit.

What words do I use to write about the last few weeks? Crippling, torturous anxiety, studying for finance exams, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting, seeing Gareth, fucking Gareth, hating Gareth, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting. Overcome by the fear and confusion and heartache. Studying for finance exams, but really just exercising and bingeing and vomiting.

The exams are done now and I have been free from those chains for a week - definitely alleviating a great deal of the pressure from my mental crumbling. I was close to slipping back under into the darkness. The darkness of having complete loss of control, complete loss of everything to the sickness in my brain.
days …


We both knew what we wanted - of that there is absolutely no doubt.
We didn't have to say anything, from the start of the week, right up until the point where I was naked in his bed; we both knew.
About two weeks ago Gareth and a few of our colleagues had arranged to have a night out this Friday. We had a pretty tight knit group of 6 who often lunched together at work, but this was one of the few times we were actually going out together. From Monday Gareth was pestering me like he had before:  "Are you coming out on Friday, are we going out out, are we gonna have a big one..."  "Yes", I had replied, "of course." And I booked my waxing appointment and blowdry for Friday lunch, my mind made up about what I wanted.  I had been thinking what would I regret more; sleeping with him or not sleeping with him. I decided on the latter. I'd not been with anyone since Joe left in January and more than that, thoughts of Gareth were continually running through…