Sunday, 5 February 2012

Failure drives me.

Thank you 'ss' for sending me a message to prompt me to get back on here.

Please also forgive my absence from your own blogs. I never seem to have the time to write these days let alone respond to all of your wonderful, kind and sincere comments which honestly are the inspiration and encouragement which keep me going through the toughest times.

So, forgive my tardiness in expressing my thanks and I will eventually do my best to write back personally. To all those who have taken the time to write a few words here over the last few months:
ss, Lissie, what if summer, miss margaret, Zoie, Mich, zen, désespérée de mairgrir, Wings to Set me Free, Gracie, a, Domino, Alice, *daisy*, Beth, Harlow B, Victoria, skinnybusiness, LouLou, Karolina, Shauna, stillimagining, Miranda, Posie, Felicia, v, Clear Girl, lottie x, clytie, Silly Girl, Willa, Seraina, any one I have missed and all the many, many anonymous commenters out there who I cannot identify uniquely,
thank you.

So what has happened since I last wrote?
Work, of course, has been unbearable.

The culmination of unhappiness and tension occured the next Friday after I had posted. My boss walked by and said something nasty to me - basically implying I hadn't done any work all morning. Then my manager called me in to 'have a chat'. In which I was again berated for not having done enough work. I was hurt and insulted. I worked harder than most of the people in that department and was being singled out for this kind of treatment. It broke my heart. All of the hard work and dedication I had shown was being thrown back in my face.
I come in an hour before everyone else to work. I was attacked for it. "Is that why your performance is down?"
I looked back in disbelief. I was easily one of the best performers in the whole team, on paper and in work ethic. I couldn't understand how they felt they had any justification whatsoever to treat me like I was the worst employee in the world.

When she finished and left the room, I broke down in hysterical and uncontrollable tears. Openly crying and not caring who saw me, I rushed across the floor to make it to the privacy of the toilets. As I neared my safety destination I saw the Head of HR coming straight towards me. Shit, no, that was the last person I wanted to see me in this state. I ducked into the little kitchen area on the other side, grabbed at the rolls of tissues and stood in the corner, oblivious to the others around me. It was too late, she had seen me, followed me in and took me by the arm.
"Come and have a sit down with me so you can calm down Ophelia."
"No, no, I'll be fine."
"You can't stand here crying..."
"Yes I can."
"No, come on..."
I wasn't going to be able to stop crying any time soon so I feebly gave in and let her gently steer me across the floor to the enclaves of HR.
I sat down, hyperventilating, tears still flowing heavily from my puffy eyes. It took me 20 minutes to stop.

"Ok, what's the matter."
"I'm just unhappy...
...I hate being a failure," I explained. "That's what drives me, the desire to be perfect, the desire to be the best that I can be. I can't stand being a failure."

Yes, I got branded a failure, first by the boss of the department I want to move to, and now by my own boss in the department where I have worked so hard for the last 6 months.

So how have I responded?
1. I am writing a new blog (link to come soon) which explores my views on global and regional politics, international relations and economics. So that in a few months, I can return to the head of the other department, put all that writing in front of him and dare him to question my ability and knowledge again.
2. I have registered for the CFA Level 1 exam and will be taking it at the beginning of June. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the world of finance, the CFA - Chartered Financial Analyst Program, is designed for those involved in investment management and financial analysis of stocks, bonds, derivative assets, etc. The pass rate on the CFA is less than 40%. Needless to say, with my limited experience, it is going to be a ridiculously massive task to pass on my own. Again, I want to go back to the man that turned me down, put this qualification in front of him and say, "I am now well overqualified for this job. Would you like to reconsider your belief that I wasn't good enough?"
3. I am running a marathon in April. Just to prove I can.


I put my study plan in front of my therapist on Monday and she was horrified. I do an hour of study in the morning before I start work. I do an hour of study over lunch. I study or run in the evening. Weekends are study or researching/writing for my new blog.
I was horrified too. But I'm making up for lost time. The years I lost achieving nothing because I was so ill. I WILL NOT LET THIS GET THE BETTER OF ME. I will not be a failure for the rest of my life.



Theo.
The insenstive bastard didn't reply to my text messages all week. Doesn't acknowledge I exist. Then I get a call at 3am on Friday night. Because he's out, drunk, about to go home and wondering where I am to fuck.
His call woke me up. I didn't answer it. I sent him a text message - to which he still didn't reply. I cried. I couldn't go back to sleep. I binged.

I messaged him yesterday to call me when he had a free moment. Of course he didn't. Not even a message reply. Maybe because he knows I have things to say that aren't going to be very nice.

There was a time when Theo made me smile. In the last few weeks, all he has done is made me cry, made me feel worthless, made me feel unhappy and unloved and alone. I went through all this hell at work on my own, without a single word of comfort from him.

It's very clear why. He doesn't care. I was foolish to imagine he did. He cares when he gets to sleep with me.

I need to be told that I have to walk over to him on Monday and to tell him to never talk to me again. I'm worried I won't.


The problem is that I am inherently unhappy. I am trying to fill up my life with achievements, but I know, somehow, they are not the answer...

12 comments:

  1. Hey Ophelia,

    I have taken the CFA exam level 1 and 2, so if you need any help, study materials, or just moral support, definitely let me know! You have so much ambition and motivation, I have no doubt you will pass the exam with flying colors!

    NC

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  2. I'm so sorry hun! It's never a good feeling to have your hard work go unrecognized, and even worse to be criticized for not working hard enough. Your bosses sound like ridiculous asses.

    So sorry about Theo. I think it would be good to confront him, just to show him that you don't want anything to do with him anymore. He's a silly boy for treating you like that, but I'm sure you find a great man that will treat you like the queen you are.

    Good luck with all of the new things you have going on. You're passionate and driven, so I'm sure you'll do well, but try not to burn yourself out!

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  3. ophelia,I'm so touched that you mentioned me in your post. All of us who read your blog worry and care about you.I'm glad that you've decided to take concrete steps about your work situation.don't let the bastards of the world get you down.Good luck and stay strong.

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  4. I am so sorry that you feel down. It is so impressive that a young girl like you, is so dedicated . I know the finance world and it takes a thick skin to be in it. I have worked helping with raising money for an up and coming energy drink company. And now I am in IR and I tell you is not easy. However, is 100 times easier than what you do. That asshole does not deserve your texts, nor your calls. You are young, beautiful and intelligent. You are caring and deserve to be loved and appreciated. if he cannot fulfill that he only deserves your indifference.

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  5. Hi Ophelia!
    I've been reading your blog for a long time now and thought I'd finally leave a comment :)
    I think you really need to settle things with Theo. Just go over to him and tell him that it's over. He's treated you awfully. The people where you work will lose respect for you if you just let him go on with it. So I think you need to stand up to him and give him a piece of your mind ;)
    I really love your blog and your writing is beautiful!
    - Ella

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  6. I am so inspired by this! you are taking this and using it to push up your goals. don't work your self too hard but this new plan is incredible! I'm sending you all my strength!
    p.s. Theo is an ASSHOLE. you deserve much better. there is a man for you out there, cuter, taller, kinder, better in bed, richer. and who loves you for exactly who you are. I swear it.

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  7. I'm currently a junior in undergrad; if college has taught me anything it's to accept rejections/disappointments and move on. I'm sure you've heard this before, but job searching is similar to dating, you have to find the right fit. Your current company clearly does not see how valuable of an asset you are. You don't need to prove anything to them because you already know that you have the determination/intelligence/drive, whatever else it takes to succeed in the industry.

    As for Theo, I was worried when I read your earlier posts about him. You seemed to fall for him so quickly and have so much more to offer to the relationship (all the planning, consideration you put into dates) than he could ever gave you. I don't know why there aren't enough worthy men out there. I hope that the next guy you invest in will be able to provide you much more.

    I can't help but feel that growing up, life throughout college college and our 20s, is such a disillusioning process. I'm a perfectionist and had a vision of a glamorous life, but as I look around me, most people are living monotonous lives. Maybe we're just insatiable when really, we can't have everything. I used to think that satisfaction was synonymous with stagnation, that feeling content with myself would stifle any future improvement. I'm still trying to find balance, to find out who I really am and what I want.

    There will be times when we think of ourselves as failures, but when we re-evaluate our life, it really isn't the end of the world. There will always be obstacles - please don't think of yourself as a failure. You have so much motivation and a great work ethic, which is what matters in the end.

    Love,
    Alice

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  8. I really, really enjoy the way you write. It's so simple, yet so vivid. I also really love your blog.

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  9. Dearest, I think the problem with these jobs is that before you have reached a certain level, hard work does not mean as much as we thought it would, knowing people and - excuse me - sucking up to them - seems to be everything. Babe, you are tougher than the rest, keep that in mind, and this company is surely not the right place for you if they don't see you qualities! You will rise above them you have done that before and you will again. Just one thing I - and I can only speak for myself here - would never ever let anyone business related know about anything regarding an ED. Never trust a soul in business. Calculated fake emotions, great! but never tell HR anything about HOW YOU FEEL unless you are twisting the truth in oder to manipulate them.
    And now you go girl for the CFA exam and see things for what they are - challenges to make you even better! I know how hard you fight Ophelia; I know how fragile you sometimes feel, but you are far beyond average so don't ever expect anything in your life to be average, good or bad.

    *hugs*
    (would love to take you for a drink to some so not cool place like china white just to have a laugh)

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  10. The key to never failing is to never try anything, but what fun would that be? You'll do fine, you seem like a real person and there are not many of those around, trust me. Just keep breathing and living and everything will eventually work out for the best.


    /Avy
    http:// mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com

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  11. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GW-zVDhOjcM&feature=related

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  12. How have you been? I miss your updates :( I hope you're alright

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Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)