Tuesday, 26 June 2012

...burning up under the glare of the bright lights of the City of London

I was thinking about this post for a while - maybe I'd make it my last post - it would be strong and victorious - if I could do it, you can do it.

Things haven't gone to plan
yet


His name was Harry. He had huge blue eyes and a cheeky grin. I insisted on giving him my number as we left the city bar across the road from where I worked. I called Theo 21 times as I sat in the taxi with Harry. He didn't pick up. The next day Harry and I continued to exchange banter and he asked me to go for a drink the following Thursday. I could even stay over "if I wanted".

I was excited about getting Theo out of my system. I wanted to get drunk with Harry and laugh and smile and feel beautiful. I went to get my hair done at lunchtime and drank juice all day so I looked perfect.

We were going to meet at 6.30 after work. At 4.30 he texted. Just been given loads of work to finish at the office. Had to cancel - "let's rearrange for next week".

He never contacted me again.


I can't get Theo out of my system.

Last Tuesday I had my interview with Tony, the head of the department I want to join. This was the interview that I had had continual nightmares about and worked so hard for in all of my spare time over the last six months. This job meant everything to me - it was this or I quit, and they knew that.
I had taught myself so much since my original interview in January, and it was evident - I answered almost every question with conviction and passion and I know that he saw that and loved it. He was the kind of man that respected determination and ambition over all other qualities and those are the two things I have in abundance. At the end of the interview he professed his pleasure and told me that I would sit down again with the head of the London team and the head of a region sometime this week.

Despite reminding him twice since, however, this has still not yet happened.

And so to deal with the ongoing stress and anxiety, I have eaten. I have gone from progressing to vomiting only once or twice a week to bingeing and vomiting every day again. I have lost count of the amount of times I have sat with my therapist going over the 'alternative methods' of dealing with anxiety but I cannot remember them when faced with a black mood.

My head just shuts down. It all goes blank. The cyclical motor in my hand starts up and my mouth feels nothing and the food goes in and in and in and in... Over and over again, more and more and more...

And then I bloat like a balloon, try to hold in the gas from my cramped stomach, poke at my tummy, pinch the fat, avoid the mirror, pull at my hair, clench my fists and cover my hideous face.

So I pull on my trainers and run. Run away, run till the dripping sweat tells you you're punishing yourself enough. Run so the disgusting toxic genes pour out of you.

Run. Run. Run.


Friday night back to the bar where I met Harry, desperately hoping he'll be there, desperately hoping I'll be thin enough. Beacause maybe then he will realise that he loves me. Watching Theo out of the office window as he leaves with other members of his team, wishing I were part of that circle. That circle of fucking privileged private school city boys.


Bitter? Chip on my shoulder? Feminist? Woman scorned?
Ill?

Ophelia.



I didn't get the job. I'm handing in my notice today.

5 comments:

  1. Shit. i so wanted you to get it. But you will get there eventually, somewhere else. It’s no consolation that i do think you have done exceptionally well. It might be a consolation that it will never be enough for us, anyway, no matter what we achieve. Oh fighter girl, you are one of the few I wont forget, no matter how irrelevant this virtual world is in the long run.
    x

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  2. I'm really sorry you didn't get the job. I know that you are incredibly dedicated and qualified. Its incredible how life can be sometimes.

    Do you have an idea of what you want to do at the moment? I feel like you need a rest, to just be you and find some peace (which I know if insanely difficult in the throes of an ED). Perhaps, however, some time to yourself will do you some good. I want you to be better and to eat healthy and run for the love of it, not for punishment. I know you can't just flip a switch and be that way, but it is in your future, I know it.

    I'm kind of rambling now, but please know I will send prayers your way, and if there is ANYTHING at all that I can do to help you, please do not hesitate to ask.

    You can win this.

    Much love.

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  3. I hope you're okay. I think of you often, and check your blog every single day. Gosh, Theo is such a dick. You deserve better, but I know all to well you want HIM. Just like me in a different situation. Please stay strong, I am sending my love.

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  4. i've been following your blog for years and i've seen how hard you've fought. through university, then your job in the bank, the way you tried to change your life and worked at the school then your triumphant move back to london city life ~ maybe it feels like a door has shut, and in a way it has, but it isn't the end for you. another door can open now and i know it sounds dumb but i believe in fate, if i didn't i don't know how i'd still be here, and i believe that this has happened for a reason. in life we learn lessons and most of them fucking suck, but they make us stronger, even when they break us. the world is literally your oyster, you can and will have everything you ever dreamed of and you fucking deserve to smile after the years of hell you have endured.
    often on the tube i see beautiful women in suits, and wonder if they are you, and it makes me smile when they look happy because i hope that they are you, and that you are smiling.
    never stop believing in yourself. you have so much to offer the world, not just in beauty or in an office career, but in the beauty your mind brings, you're an amazing girl and i can't wait to see you finally reach the inner peace i know you deserve.

    <3 take care babe, i know you can make it x

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  5. I just found a link back to your blog somewhere and recognized it from a few years back. I remember reading this blog obsessively in probably the darkest time of my life. You inspired me and now I have found you again. I didn't realize I had read any blogs before starting my own blog last year. I love your blog! I need to catch up now that I have found you again...
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)