Tuesday, 26 March 2013

What is wrong with this picture?

Two months ago a wonderful guy asked me to be his girlfriend.
Three weeks ago I got my dream job at my dream bank.
One week ago I ran a marathon.
I painted on a bright red smile, zipped up the tight red dress and strode in sky high red shoes.

I am finally the girl who has everything.

This was what I had been dreaming, praying, wishing, working, crying and dying for since I was a girl.

And you think that's it, that's the end of the fairytale. Except you can't be a fairytale princess when you're black inside.
Black from the rot and the vomit and the pills.

You look at me and see the girl who has everything. Oh god, if they knew the truth.

I can't stop it. At the end of the fairytale, I can't let go of the eating disorder. I can't stop it.


  1. sometimes i wonder if there's anybody out there who isn't hiding beneath a perfect exterior... i guess i want to believe that everyone is as messed up as i am, even though i know it's not true.

  2. ophelia, i do not mean to be cynic by saying this, but maybe it's better this way, than feeling really horrible about your life PLUS having an ED? just a thought. Besides EVERYBODY is hiding something. The more polished the surface, the darker the secrets - but you do KNOW that, don't you?
    And as my therapist recently said to me beauty always comes with a price - the great fear of loosing it.

    Live, gorgeous girl, just live!


  3. Eds are harder to get rid of than yams in the garden. Once the fucker gets roots into you it is decades getting rid of it.

    You're utterly fantastic, remember that ok? Not for your facade, but for YOU.


  4. First off, congratulations on finishing that marathon and starting your new job. Those are two major accomplishments and you deserve to be commended.

    Maybe having all of these good, stable things in your life can help provide the proper foundation for you to finally, completely recover. From what I've seen in the girls with EDs that I know, it's really hard to ever get better if you constantly feel like your feet are slipping. But with healthy relationships, stable work, and other good things, perhaps you will be able to find the strength to seek help.

    Missed your beautiful writing, lady.

    Lots of hugs.


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