Monday, 29 June 2009

Maybe it's the sunshine

Well, I have reached my lowest weight for about six months! I am officially back to my pre-Christmas weight! Not entirely a cause for celebration as I was still unhappy before Christmas...but at least I am well and truly on the road of progression!
The only slight problem is that I have gone from being a laxative virgin to being slightly addicted...can’t go a day without having at least one BUT my tummy is so gloriously flat! I know that the second I stop taking the little cream-coloured pills I’ll start inflating again and to be honest I’m quite enjoying fitting into all my pretty little dresses in this lovely warm weather!
Once I lose another 10 pounds or so, I’ll be able to come off the laxatives without fear of food inside me causing too much of an extra bulge.
The current object of my affections, 'C', who I talked about in my last post is not in today, so I’m able to wear a plain red dress and not stress too much about my face – which is just as well because I don’t look particularly awesome today. Yuck. So far today I’ve had half an apple and some low-fat yogurt. Might have a banana this evening, but no more than that, then I’ll take some more laxatives to clean out anything that might be left inside me so that I can wear a stunning dress and knock him dead tomorrow, haha.
I made a massive effort the last few days, and honestly haven’t felt that happy about the way I look since September/October time...so much so that I treated myself to some ice-cream – guilt free! – what is happening to me! It must be the sunshine.
Yay I love it! I’m making myself look better and better every day. Even if nothing comes of it with this guy, I couldn’t care less, (although it would be fucking wild!) essentially it’s just a fun and exciting way to get myself thin again! Praise the lord for fit guys!

I’ve only thrown up twice in the last week as well – which is an amazing statistic for me - and I’m really hoping to be able to get rid of the bulimia once and for all soon. I’ve had a couple of scares in the last month or so with chest pains and reading stories of people dying etc, and I’m just suddenly very aware of all the damage that I’ve been doing. It’s just so easy being bulimic, and it’s so addictive. I finish my lunch, put down my knife and fork and the second that that full feeling registers in my stomach, I think... I can get rid of this...why keep it in...it’s so easy to get relief, feel free again... It’s been incredibly hard this last week to force myself to keep my food down, and let me tell you, it has been such a mental challenge to banish the urge to throw up. The first time that I cracked, it was after binging on a chocolate muffin at work. (I have to admit a large part of the reason that the vomiting has been reduced is because I can’t really do it at work because there’s little privacy and I’m such a messy vomiter that all my makeup runs or rubs off!) But when you’ve just eaten a great, big, fat-arse, double chocolate muffin, there’s not much you can do about it. To add insult to injury, as I ran into the cubicle I flung my staff pass off my neck, dropping it straight down the toilet...and had to fish it out soaked. Oops.
The second purge happened yesterday. I went for a long run in the blistering midday heat and had to stop a few times en route from nausea – sign of a good workout! I was surprised that you could still get work-out induced nausea on an empty stomach. After my lunch I just had to purge as my Mum had cooked white rice and I really couldn’t bear it. The rice came back up with loads of black flakey bits...so I got scared again that I was puking up blood...and then I thought maybe it was just the acid from my run... well in any case, it really wasn’t nice, and I fully intend to go this whole week without purging at all – which means no binging at all – which means serious restricting! Yay! It’s cool, I’m happy, I want this and I’m loving this and it’s making me feel fantastic.
Maybe I won’t have that banana later :)

4 comments:

  1. congrats on all your progress,
    your such an inspiration,
    well done :) x

    ReplyDelete
  2. Agreed, yet option paralysis remains unhalted.

    We're just amplifying Gen X's problems, non?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Aim for perfect health and the beauty will take care of itself.

    Check out my blog. It's funny and helpful. I don't like most people especially gluttons but I like anas because they are so misunderstood. If you read between the lines you will see the point of my blog. My blog is an amusing train wreck please feel free to add to it.

    ReplyDelete

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)