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Love

Dear everyone
I hope you are all having a very Merry Christmas, I hope you are all safe, with your families and I hope you are all well. I want to take this opportunity - in case you don't all already know - to tell you all how much I love and value you and how much you all touch my hearts everyday. I hope you know that I am walking and cheering you every step of the way until you reach your dreams....






* * *


I am so thankful for this cyber somewhere over the rainbow. Our buzzwords: 'beauty', 'perfection', 'thin' - they are so socially unacceptable - not right to think - not right to believe in or desire.
All I hear is their anger, whenever I explain that I want to be perfect.
"You should be happy and accept yourself as you are."
"BUT WHY?! I know I can be better than this, so why shouldn't I work to be better? Why should I accept myself in this lowly state? - WHAT is so wrong about wanting to better myself and strive for perfection?!"
It's the same argument I have with every person, the same old argument - I never get given a good reason, just the same good prejudice.
But here - you all understand - perfection - why I want and need it - and you all support it. It's so special.





I have thrown up 7 times in the last 48 hours.


The stench of vomit won't wash off from my fingers.








I just need to write that, so I cannot escape from how humiliating it is. The evil part of me took over.




Nothing inside me until I go to him. I predict 7th January. No, make it the 8th - two weeks, exactly two weeks - nothing. It's a game, just a silly game that is a matter of life and death.
I don't care if I die, as long as I die drowning.



Wait... I'm sorry that's not very festive.



Here's what I say:
Exercise. Sweat. Work. Everyday for the next two weeks - there is no room for weakness.
Harder, faster, stronger - until my body is burning up.
The mind is just a substance that needs to be controlled. The body is just a lump of matter that needs to be defined.
I love you all so much. I love my body. I love everything about this world and I want to be a beautiful part of it.
I will not destroy anything anymore. Everything must be beautiful. Everything I do must be for the pursuit of beautiful perfection.
No more sickness for my body; just love, just care, just beautiful.
Only simple, natural foods are beautiful enough for my body. Carbohydrates, fat, processed sugar - are all evil and foul. My body craves exercise, it sends me on a glorious high. I must never come down.

I want to be so light that I walk in the snow and leave no footprints.


One day :)


...soon
Labels:

Comments

  1. Geist Bites26 December 2009 at 00:09

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Geist Bites26 December 2009 at 00:10

    Inter-denominational best wishes.

    Stay cool. I know I always say that, but what am I meant to say?

    trustyourtechnolust.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  3. JK26 December 2009 at 00:47

    it's great that you found someone, D, though you say he's taking your valuable study time. i wonder what happened to the half-japanese guy? anyway... merry christmas

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous26 December 2009 at 02:01

    The first time I came across your blog, I was watching a thinspo that was set to the music of Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michelson's 'Winter Song'.
    It's a pretty song, worth checking out. Merry Christmas, and thanks for always writing.

    ReplyDelete
  5. V26 December 2009 at 05:10

    Just stay motivated. Seek the perfection that YOU want, regardless of what the world may think.

    ReplyDelete
  6. the puppet26 December 2009 at 08:56

    i've just been following your blog since i started my own blog a few weeks ago and i'm liking it so much... hope u achieve ur goals... merry christmas!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ana's Girl26 December 2009 at 14:48

    You can do it! I know you can!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Liz Anatasia26 December 2009 at 19:55

    Footprints if my favorite motivation <3 especially good right now with all the snow and ice, stay beautiful

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anonymous26 December 2009 at 22:01

    Hi, I'm new to the Pro-ana blog thing, but I just wamted to say that you write beautifully. You also managed to pinpoint my exact feelings about this whole thing in this post. Why shouldn't I be perfect? Don't I deserve it?
    Well, I hope you stay motivated and merry late Christmas!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Holly27 December 2009 at 18:43

    Ophelia, you're right about everything. And I love you more than anything. Let's do this. For us.

    x x x

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous28 December 2009 at 21:00

    your right about the whole argument thing! You stay strong, YOU know what you want and YOU can achieve it! good luck

    Creative
    x

    ReplyDelete

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