Skip to main content

Love

Dear everyone
I hope you are all having a very Merry Christmas, I hope you are all safe, with your families and I hope you are all well. I want to take this opportunity - in case you don't all already know - to tell you all how much I love and value you and how much you all touch my hearts everyday. I hope you know that I am walking and cheering you every step of the way until you reach your dreams....






* * *


I am so thankful for this cyber somewhere over the rainbow. Our buzzwords: 'beauty', 'perfection', 'thin' - they are so socially unacceptable - not right to think - not right to believe in or desire.
All I hear is their anger, whenever I explain that I want to be perfect.
"You should be happy and accept yourself as you are."
"BUT WHY?! I know I can be better than this, so why shouldn't I work to be better? Why should I accept myself in this lowly state? - WHAT is so wrong about wanting to better myself and strive for perfection?!"
It's the same argument I have with every person, the same old argument - I never get given a good reason, just the same good prejudice.
But here - you all understand - perfection - why I want and need it - and you all support it. It's so special.





I have thrown up 7 times in the last 48 hours.


The stench of vomit won't wash off from my fingers.








I just need to write that, so I cannot escape from how humiliating it is. The evil part of me took over.




Nothing inside me until I go to him. I predict 7th January. No, make it the 8th - two weeks, exactly two weeks - nothing. It's a game, just a silly game that is a matter of life and death.
I don't care if I die, as long as I die drowning.



Wait... I'm sorry that's not very festive.



Here's what I say:
Exercise. Sweat. Work. Everyday for the next two weeks - there is no room for weakness.
Harder, faster, stronger - until my body is burning up.
The mind is just a substance that needs to be controlled. The body is just a lump of matter that needs to be defined.
I love you all so much. I love my body. I love everything about this world and I want to be a beautiful part of it.
I will not destroy anything anymore. Everything must be beautiful. Everything I do must be for the pursuit of beautiful perfection.
No more sickness for my body; just love, just care, just beautiful.
Only simple, natural foods are beautiful enough for my body. Carbohydrates, fat, processed sugar - are all evil and foul. My body craves exercise, it sends me on a glorious high. I must never come down.

I want to be so light that I walk in the snow and leave no footprints.


One day :)


...soon

Comments

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Inter-denominational best wishes.

    Stay cool. I know I always say that, but what am I meant to say?

    trustyourtechnolust.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  3. it's great that you found someone, D, though you say he's taking your valuable study time. i wonder what happened to the half-japanese guy? anyway... merry christmas

    ReplyDelete
  4. The first time I came across your blog, I was watching a thinspo that was set to the music of Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michelson's 'Winter Song'.
    It's a pretty song, worth checking out. Merry Christmas, and thanks for always writing.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Just stay motivated. Seek the perfection that YOU want, regardless of what the world may think.

    ReplyDelete
  6. i've just been following your blog since i started my own blog a few weeks ago and i'm liking it so much... hope u achieve ur goals... merry christmas!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Footprints if my favorite motivation <3 especially good right now with all the snow and ice, stay beautiful

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi, I'm new to the Pro-ana blog thing, but I just wamted to say that you write beautifully. You also managed to pinpoint my exact feelings about this whole thing in this post. Why shouldn't I be perfect? Don't I deserve it?
    Well, I hope you stay motivated and merry late Christmas!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ophelia, you're right about everything. And I love you more than anything. Let's do this. For us.

    x x x

    ReplyDelete
  10. your right about the whole argument thing! You stay strong, YOU know what you want and YOU can achieve it! good luck

    Creative
    x

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)

Popular posts from this blog

"Here I am, sane and dry"

"I stayed there, staring at myself in the glass. What do I want to cry about?.... On the contrary, it's when l am quite sane like this, when I have had a couple of extra drinks and am quite sane, that I realize how lucky I am.
Saved, rescued, fished-up, half drowned, out of the deep, dark river, dry clothes, hair shampooed and set. Nobody would know I had ever been in it. Except, of course, that there always remains something. Yes, there always remains something....Never mind, here I am, sane and dry, with my place to hide in. What more do I want?....I'm a bit of an automaton, but sane, surely - dry, cold and sane. Now I have forgotten about dark streets, dark rivers, the pain, the struggle and the drowning...."
Jean Rhys, Good Morning, Midnight

Love. Sick.

And finally, today, I cried; soaked the tissues and pillowcase like I had been longing to do for weeks. The most I had been able to manage recently had been dry crying with a scrunched up face and aching heart. Such relief now to be able to physically release emotions other than vomit.

What words do I use to write about the last few weeks? Crippling, torturous anxiety, studying for finance exams, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting, seeing Gareth, fucking Gareth, hating Gareth, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting. Overcome by the fear and confusion and heartache. Studying for finance exams, but really just exercising and bingeing and vomiting.


The exams are done now and I have been free from those chains for a week - definitely alleviating a great deal of the pressure from my mental crumbling. I was close to slipping back under into the darkness. The darkness of having complete loss of control, complete loss of everything to the sickness in my brain.
days …

Wanting

We both knew what we wanted - of that there is absolutely no doubt.
We didn't have to say anything, from the start of the week, right up until the point where I was naked in his bed; we both knew.
About two weeks ago Gareth and a few of our colleagues had arranged to have a night out this Friday. We had a pretty tight knit group of 6 who often lunched together at work, but this was one of the few times we were actually going out together. From Monday Gareth was pestering me like he had before:  "Are you coming out on Friday, are we going out out, are we gonna have a big one..."  "Yes", I had replied, "of course." And I booked my waxing appointment and blowdry for Friday lunch, my mind made up about what I wanted.  I had been thinking what would I regret more; sleeping with him or not sleeping with him. I decided on the latter. I'd not been with anyone since Joe left in January and more than that, thoughts of Gareth were continually running through…