A Head Full of Beauty

That would be the exam I took today. And then my whole ABC plan. Honestly, English Literature exams...why...just why! Today my exam was on Modern Literature (Virginia Woolf, T.S. Eliot etc) and well, yeah it was even shitter than I had anticipated. Honestly, I went into an exam once without having read any of the books, did terribly, but even that exam felt better than the one I did today! I have one final assignment due on Tuesday...and then I'm finished with University, thank God. Except I have a real fear now of ending up with a 2:2 after that exam went so badly...and I can't get a 2:2, I just can't, I won't be able to go into any of the careers I want... So I came home, feeling like I'd thrown away everything, and that sick, empty, worthless, there's-no-point, feeling crept over my heart...and I went out, bought two big cookies, a double chocolate muffin and a pack of indian nan bread (hey - I don't choose what my binge voice tells me I crave!) Then made...

I've been so inspired by the lovely Pasco who is doing so well on her ABC regime that I have decided to follow in her footsteps! I feel like I have really been lacking strict regime and control, and what better way to sort myself out than to follow the 'Ana Boot Camp'. So much better than messing up and then deciding to fast and then messing up and then getting high on restricting and so on and so on... Just routine. Control. Rules. Boundaries. I need these things. Check out the ABC list on the right hand side of my page...no margin for error when I've got to tick it off everyday on this blog in front of you all! I was going to wait until my exams at uni finish (2 nd June) but by then it will be too late. I want to get the ball rolling and start shedding weight before then. I start my job (only a temporary one for a month or so) on 3rd June, and although it's only a load of middle-aged men with beer bellies and motherly women with massive hips, I have to be thi...

To my regular readers, apologies for being away for so long. My laptop died last Monday and took 5 days to repair! And I suppose in that time I also became slightly disillusioned and confused. To Holly in particular, sorry for not replying. I was sick and alone. After the initial ecstasy of starving, it began to feel like I was rotting away in my room...for nothing and no-one. I went to the ball on Saturday and since then all I have done is eat and I have been too ashamed to post, knowing that my body was so filled with shit, knowing that I was a traitor to this head full of beauty and to all of you. To quickly update you on my ball on Saturday: It was brilliant and a really good laugh. Fitted into my dress like a dream - so worth the fast! Got hit on by several guys (bless them, not a chance!), pulled a guy called Pete I had liked in second year making Oli jealous and receiving drunken calls and texts from him hahaha . Although I sort of regret pulling Pete now cos he's FAR too...

Mmm it's not so bad sometimes, is it? And the second I've written that, the tummy rumbles - it is such an attention seeker. Well I'm gonna teach it a lesson by ignoring it's pathetic cries. My fast is still going well and I am still smiling! Instead of raging headaches and wanting to sleep, I just feel really healthy and happy. I had a day off from all activity yesterday. I am a bad, bad person, but to make up for it, I enjoyed a killer session in the gym today. 600 calories on the treadmill alone and then 1,000 metres in the pool. Usually I'm knackered by the time I get into the swimming pool (always my last activity) but today I was just hammering out the laps easily... can't explain it, but certainly not gonna grumble! I've always had severe hangups about the size of my arms and rather than moaning about it, I've taken to spending that little bit extra time in the gym to use all the machines that work out the arms.Even in the last week alone I'v...

I am currently on day 3 of 10 of my fast. Feeling good. This Saturday is the ball...I mean The Ball . Everyone I know at uni will be there. Every guy I have ever mentioned in this blog will be there. That's how big it is. James - the ladies man, the English-gentleman, the best-looking guy I have ever met, the biggest slut I have ever met, the one I thought was in love with me... Oli - the rough Londoner, the cheeky one, the body of a Greek god, the one I want and don't want... Sam - the cute one, a gem of football team, the one who prefers blondes... Max - the loved up one, the one who chose my skinny friend... And it's not just them. It's boys I have known for ages while I've been at uni and who have judged me that whole time. It's boys I have pulled on drunken nights out. It's boys I've turned down, boys who have lusted after me in secret, boys who have rated me on a scale of 1-10, boys who play 'Who would you rather sleep with...' This is the ...

I seem to have been pretty on track recently. But what a blatant, disgusting lie to write that now. I have been on track and I would still be if it weren't for men alcohol and my stupid need for attention. I showed them what they were missing. A perfect slim dress with ruffles, red ribbon, red shoes, dark hair over my shoulders, sultry makeup. I surrounded myself with boys who couldn't have me. I was out of their league. I thrive on that adrenaline beat of the dancefloor . My life revolves around what I become in that space and who other people perceive me to be. I am the one they want. But I'm not, not at all, not really, not in the harsh reality of sober daylight. But I know for that space of time, I am something. I am vibrant and alive, you can touch me and I can respond. In the club, under the artificial lights, I am not beauty or fragility, I am desire... a sensual but sordid desire. It's now 7am. I was supposed to be on a coach back home to London for the weekend ...

So, the weekend. On Saturday I took a walk into town where there was a little ethnic fair going on. Stall upon stall selling sweets, pancakes, barbeques, oriental ornaments, handmade jewellery etc. I spent ages looking at all the precious little cupcakes and sweets, lovingly crafted like miniature works of art. I loved it: just taking in their visual beauty, not tempted in the slighted at their taste. It makes me so happy when I can surround myself with delicious food and take delight in just looking at it. In the end I bought a little packet of caramel roasted almonds and ate a few as I took a walk around the town’s botanical gardens. More visual beauty. It was such a perfect day and the birdsong was ringing loud and clear. Everything was in bloom, and the flowers were calling to me, come join us, come join us. There wasn’t even the slightest gust of wind around…it was all just perfectly still perfection. I want to be a flower, tranquil and naturally beautiful. I felt a little bit gui...