Friday, 29 May 2009

F for FAIL

That would be the exam I took today.
And then my whole ABC plan.

Honestly, English Literature exams...why...just why!
Today my exam was on Modern Literature (Virginia Woolf, T.S. Eliot etc) and well, yeah it was even shitter than I had anticipated. Honestly, I went into an exam once without having read any of the books, did terribly, but even that exam felt better than the one I did today!
I have one final assignment due on Tuesday...and then I'm finished with University, thank God.

Except I have a real fear now of ending up with a 2:2 after that exam went so badly...and I can't get a 2:2, I just can't, I won't be able to go into any of the careers I want...

So I came home, feeling like I'd thrown away everything, and that sick, empty, worthless, there's-no-point, feeling crept over my heart...and I went out, bought two big cookies, a double chocolate muffin and a pack of indian nan bread (hey - I don't choose what my binge voice tells me I crave!) Then made 4 bowls of porridge, 3 bananas, 3 apples... basically cleared out all the food I had.

What a fat, miserable cow.
Boo hoo, I messed up my degree, lets mess up everything else as well.

So fuck it, ok, I fucked up, I am a fuck up.
I can't change my exam, I can't change that I binged, but I can forget about it.

STARTING AGAIN: ABC from day one tomorrow.
I just need a good long, hard cry. Get all the self-pity out.
And I'll be ok tomorrow.

I move back home to London in one week; Start my temporary job in London in one week.
Time to shape up little girl.


5 comments:

  1. Ah yes. I feel a binge coming on today. People tell you "just don't do it, think how much better you'll feel". But sometimes you just get that insidious creeping feeling, over your skin, over your mind, where you know it is inevitable. You HAVE to do it. I've been keeping it at bay so far.

    Good luck starting the ABC again tomorrow. It took me 3 tries before I could get into it, but on the third I made it almost 2 weeks and lost about 4kg. It can be done! Especially if you feel like you've got the binge feeling out of your system.

    xx

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  2. Well admitting your problems is the first step - so they say haha.. but I find it just makes me feel worse.
    Good luck with the re-do. I'm cheering for you!

    lots of love xx

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  3. nah oyoure not fat.
    youll stick to your plan, right? You dont want to fail again. So just do it :)

    you move back to LDN?
    fuuuuuuuuuuck im so jealous!!!!
    I so want to move back to London! Best city in the whole world!
    ah you just ruined my day XD i envy you so much!
    xoxox

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  4. ugh exams are sooo annoying and the effect they can have on ppl! at least ur binge included lots of fruit adn healthy porridge! c theres a plus side and now hopefully its out of the way and u can do ur abc diet! Im tinkin of doing it this summer wen Im done with skul but I rly dont like fasting even for a day!

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  5. Emotional eating plagues me SO badly... I totally understand how you're feeling.

    I too have been plagued with binging lately...

    Chin up, lovely... There's always tomorrow.

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