Skip to main content

photos, through uni

I am currently on day 3 of 10 of my fast. Feeling good.

This Saturday is the ball...I mean The Ball. Everyone I know at uni will be there.
Every guy I have ever mentioned in this blog will be there. That's how big it is.

James - the ladies man, the English-gentleman, the best-looking guy I have ever met, the biggest slut I have ever met, the one I thought was in love with me...
Oli - the rough Londoner, the cheeky one, the body of a Greek god, the one I want and don't want...
Sam - the cute one, a gem of football team, the one who prefers blondes...
Max - the loved up one, the one who chose my skinny friend...

And it's not just them. It's boys I have known for ages while I've been at uni and who have judged me that whole time. It's boys I have pulled on drunken nights out. It's boys I've turned down, boys who have lusted after me in secret, boys who have rated me on a scale of 1-10, boys who play 'Who would you rather sleep with...'

This is the last time I will ever see them again.

I need to be as perfect as I can get...and that's why I am not breaking this fast.

I wanted to post some pictures of myself in this post...just becuase I want you all to be able to feel closer to me, know me better...just because I want to be able to open up to you that bit more. And I've been searching through the many photo albums on my laptop to try and find the right ones - the ones when I was thin, then fat, then thin... and I can't seem to decide on the right one. I just look so normal.

But that is what I am. I am a normal 21 year old girl, in my third year of university. Nothing special, nothing spectacular. Sometimes fat, sometimes thin. If I posted up a photo, I feel like it would render myself something less to you all, something just very average - just a real girl in a real body.
I don't want that. I want to turn heads. I want to be unbelievable in an unbelievable body.

This was me at my first ball when I first came to uni: (note collarbones!)

This was me a few months later: (note the belly...there were much worse ones, but this is humiliating enough to put up)

And about 6 months after that: (belly completely flat again)It's also worth noting the shape of my face. It's naturally round, but can go from hideously chubby to bearable.

I NEED to get back to that. I'm not as disgusting as I was at my heaviest. But I'm nowhere near my lightest.

That's all, looking at photos upsets me. I'll take them down in 24 hours.

Comments

  1. MissBrightside10 May 2009 at 02:05

    you are so beautiful!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sarah.10 May 2009 at 02:42

    Gorgeous

    ReplyDelete
  3. Jess10 May 2009 at 02:57

    You are so pretty - good luck on the fast and can't wait to see the pics from The Ball..you MUST post some for us!

    ReplyDelete
  4. DeAnna10 May 2009 at 04:36

    yes, you are very pretty!!! and i can't wait to see the ball pics!! you'll be gorgeous!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous10 May 2009 at 07:53

    You are gorgeous xxx

    ReplyDelete
  6. Geist Bites10 May 2009 at 16:59

    I'm too late for the photos, but...chin up.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Savory Sweet10 May 2009 at 19:10

    NOOOOO! I missed the photos. *sulk*

    Supporting you on your fast, I have full faith that you can do it and you will look stunning at the Ball!!! All my affection :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Harlow B8 August 2009 at 23:01

    aw i missed the pictures :(

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)

Popular posts from this blog

Yes, I'm the great maintainer

So, a few days ago I declared that I was off to buy some laxatives to clear out my podgy belly. Took one. Nothing. Took two. Standard. Took three. And spent all day at work cramped over in severe pain and running to the loo every half hour. Oh my god did I curse myself. 8am to 5pm sat in an office, feeling like something inside me had collapsed. What I would give to go back to uni already and spend my days curled up under my duvet! I am sick of maintaining my weight. I'm working so hard on restricting my calorie intake and nothing is happening. Although I haven't exercised for like two weeks or something - maybe three. That's disgusting. I need to sort it out. I was a member of my gym at uni, and loved it. Now that I'm back home I can't get a gym membership anymore because my Mum believes in saving money over being healthy. She controls everything I spend and everything I do when I'm living with her. Working in an office with these long hours leaves me no time ...
13 comments
Read more

2017

I have wanted to come back for a little while. So much has happened since my last post. Work colleagues mostly, a trial run with a boy from an app. Arthur, Francis, Gregory, Vincent, Russell, Simon R. Shoes that didn't fit. There are pages about them of course, not here, but in notebooks and scribbles on my phone written on my tube commute. Some indifference, some annihilation, all part of my continual journey. In February, I met Thomas, and the turn began. We began dating in April, I was labelled his girlfriend in August, and he is the kindest man I have ever let into my life. I went to Bali in March. Like the healing of the Nile, the energy pulsed deep into my cells and blood and I have not let it go yet. The vibrations of the gong still echoing in my ears, the sunrise still glowing in my heart, the peace and tranquillity in the silent hum of those green fields... I came back with a deep, divine knowledge, that I treasure, every time I am close to forgetting. And now, I am ...
3 comments
Read more

Dear Non-ED (a.k.a. 'normal') Friends...

So, it appears that the girls at law school still count me as a friend after my excessive drunkenness last week. But friends - female friends - they come at such a price for the eating disordered... I'm at the college all day, everyday - a lecture first thing in the morning and a workshop last thing in the afternoon - which means that we have a four-hour break in the middle. Since my very first day I've spent these four-hour breaks with a bunch of girls in my lecture group - and while they are really nice and I'm so grateful beyond belief that I made friends so quickly, it's a MASSIVE struggle for me. Having an eating disorder is so easy when you spend most of your time by yourself - no-one gives a damn if you ate and no-one knows any better if you did or you didn't. Having an eating disorder is shit when you have to pretend to be all smiley and normal all day long. It's shit when you have to spend lunchtime with your 'friends' who constantly talk about...
21 comments
Read more