Sunday, 16 August 2009

Camp

I'm on Camp.
Somewhere in some bleak, uninhabited part of rural Northern England.
Just under two weeks to go...
I meant to post before I left but didn't have the time. God I hate being away from home and internet! I'm currently paying £1 for this 30 minute connection in the bar so I can write.

I thought this camp would be a great opportunity for me to get away from all the temptations of the kitchen at home. I have to eat three meals a day with the rest of the people that I work with. So no snacks and no opportunities to buy or binge on food when I get weak.
I get here and am given the itinery.
Massive piss ups almost every night with my team, led by guys with beer guts three times the size of the rest of them. Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol - the most calorific thing on the planet... that makes my belly swell and makes me crave food and makes me lose control of my willpower to restrict. Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol... that is all these people do! Oh and when they're not drinking they are stuffing themselves with massive dinners and endless junk food. When I sat in the briefing last night I was fighting to keep back the tears. 'All these wonderful nights planned guys! You're gonna have a fantastic time!' I was so frightened. I can't remember I ever felt so threatened by food, but my God I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through.
It's rude not to socialise. It's rude not to drink your weight in alcohol. It's rude not to go to every meal, especially the big dinner nights and nights out for pizza (fucking hell!)
At the moment I am going to everything and just trying not to eat/drink. Last night I got away with just a shot of rum and a can of diet coke in the bar and I've only eaten a few of the vegetables and fruit at mealtimes and half a chicken breast for the sake of protein. (I took a yoghurt and it was FULL FAT - 12 GRAMS OF FAT! so it had to be binned). I know it's only gonna be a matter of time before people start getting shitty with me, but fuck them really. I held my ground last night in the bar when everyone was getting arsey with me for not drinking myself to death so I can do it again, and again. I will not be bullied into making myself fat.

I was a mess last night and I really missed this blog and all of you. I feel a bit better today knowing that I was able to stand up for myself, but I hope I don't crack... no I WILL NOT CRACK! :) It's cool. I have a long way to go to reach my target still, but I can feel my body is happy and shrinking... I'm going on holiday at the beginning of September where I want to be at least a stone down and then law school at the end of September where I want to be a stone and a half down. As long as I don't fuck up, don't drink alcohol, don't eat shit, don't binge; then I know I'm gonna get there.

It's gonna get tougher before it gets easier, but I'm strong.
I'm strong now I've written.
Nothing and nobody is going to get in my way. I want this so badly.

I don't think I've been this determined with my restricting since I was 15 (the glorious skinny days)

Love you and miss you all

Ophelia x x x

12 comments:

  1. Oh! That camp sounds terrible : ( I can't believe those people are harassing you for not being a glutton! That's so stupid! I would just say screw it and risk being seen as "rude". Good for you for putting up with it : / I don't know how you do it...
    It sounds like you've stayed really strong over all. <3 yay! I knew you would ; )
    And I'm sure you'll meet your goals : D
    Stay strong <3

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  2. I missed you! And oh wow. Sounds like you're having a rough time of it... Just be rude. Rudeness is way better than fatness, right? At least you can look pretty being rude; you can't look pretty being fat. Stand firm, sweetie. You'll be out of that eating and drinking hell soon. I love you too!

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  3. There is no wway in hell that people should force you to drink shit loads of alcohol and eat pizza and shit. You do what you want. I am proud of you for sticking at it becuase It sound tough. Try to enjoy nyourself during the day and only do what you want at night, like you said! Report back in a few days if you can x x x

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  4. No one should bloody make you drink alcohol if you don't want to. You can do this, stay strong!

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  5. Hey! I just found your blog and caught up with it, lol.
    Bleh, piss-ups. If they get on your back, tell them to bugger off, it's your liver and you like it the way it is!!
    Good luck with the camp XX

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  6. i feel a mild illness or slightly upset stomach or perhaps some mysterious allergies would like to surface now to save you

    i cant think of anything else

    do try to enjoy the camp
    x

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  7. oh that doesn't sound to great, ignore them if they are trying to force drink or food down your neck, you can get through this, your strong, you don't need to do what they say,
    try and enjoy your time there,
    hope your okay.

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  8. God, I am SO SORRY you have to be surrounded by all that. I always HATED camps. It's not even just being forced to eat, it's being forced to socialize, forced to "fit it", to "play along". I hated it so much.

    If you need a good excuse not to drink, tell them you have alcoholics in your family, so you don't feel comfortable around it. They can't make you drink.

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  9. Wow that is rough. Just imagine how amazing you will feel at the end of camp when you come out strong, skinny & stunning =) I'd do the rude thing over turning into a pig any day. Keep making the right choices & you'll feel amazing for it!
    xo

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  10. That's right! Don't be bullied into being fat!! Way to go on "binning" the full fat yogurt! Seriously 12 grams of fat? that's insane. It should be illegal really!

    Anyhoo. HAVE FUN!!!

    XO

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  11. Ophelia stay strong ok?

    I've been reading your previous posts about going into Law. What A levels did you take?

    You're doing so well.
    Keep going.

    x x x

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  12. Hey! Our stats are so similar! :) love ur writing style, gud luck with everything!!!

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