I'm on Camp.
Somewhere in some bleak, uninhabited part of rural Northern England.
Just under two weeks to go...
I meant to post before I left but didn't have the time. God I hate being away from home and internet! I'm currently paying £1 for this 30 minute connection in the bar so I can write.
I thought this camp would be a great opportunity for me to get away from all the temptations of the kitchen at home. I have to eat three meals a day with the rest of the people that I work with. So no snacks and no opportunities to buy or binge on food when I get weak.
I get here and am given the itinery.
Massive piss ups almost every night with my team, led by guys with beer guts three times the size of the rest of them. Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol - the most calorific thing on the planet... that makes my belly swell and makes me crave food and makes me lose control of my willpower to restrict. Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol... that is all these people do! Oh and when they're not drinking they are stuffing themselves with massive dinners and endless junk food. When I sat in the briefing last night I was fighting to keep back the tears. 'All these wonderful nights planned guys! You're gonna have a fantastic time!' I was so frightened. I can't remember I ever felt so threatened by food, but my God I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through.
It's rude not to socialise. It's rude not to drink your weight in alcohol. It's rude not to go to every meal, especially the big dinner nights and nights out for pizza (fucking hell!)
At the moment I am going to everything and just trying not to eat/drink. Last night I got away with just a shot of rum and a can of diet coke in the bar and I've only eaten a few of the vegetables and fruit at mealtimes and half a chicken breast for the sake of protein. (I took a yoghurt and it was FULL FAT - 12 GRAMS OF FAT! so it had to be binned). I know it's only gonna be a matter of time before people start getting shitty with me, but fuck them really. I held my ground last night in the bar when everyone was getting arsey with me for not drinking myself to death so I can do it again, and again. I will not be bullied into making myself fat.
I was a mess last night and I really missed this blog and all of you. I feel a bit better today knowing that I was able to stand up for myself, but I hope I don't crack... no I WILL NOT CRACK! :) It's cool. I have a long way to go to reach my target still, but I can feel my body is happy and shrinking... I'm going on holiday at the beginning of September where I want to be at least a stone down and then law school at the end of September where I want to be a stone and a half down. As long as I don't fuck up, don't drink alcohol, don't eat shit, don't binge; then I know I'm gonna get there.
It's gonna get tougher before it gets easier, but I'm strong.
I'm strong now I've written.
Nothing and nobody is going to get in my way. I want this so badly.
I don't think I've been this determined with my restricting since I was 15 (the glorious skinny days)
Love you and miss you all
Ophelia x x x
Hillary Clinton meme
9 months ago