Thursday, 11 November 2010

Fear

I do not burden myself on other people.
I do not pick up my phone when I am crying my eyes out. I do not seek comfort. I do not ask for kindness.
I cry on my own. I have done for years. Even when I was in a relationship, I never bothered him with it.

And yet I lean on you. I come here to cry. I come here to find a shoulder. Because here, I can.

I'm a wreck. I'm so petrified.
I remember once, I must have been about 14, I was at school sitting, chatting to a friend during lunch, and she raised her arm suddenly and I flinched. I instinctively jerked away from her and raised my arm to cover my face.
"Woah. Ophelia. Why did you flinch?"
I laughed nervously. "I, er, I don't know, I, er, thought you were going to hit me."
I don't flinch now. Strange, I still censor.

I've blocked out pretty much all of my past. I've blocked out my childhood because it was so happy, and I've blocked out my teenage years because they were so dreadful. Looking back, when I was 13-18, I was living through a worse hell than I am now - aside from the fact that I didn't have a ridiculous eating disorder, I was completely... dead. The hatred I had for myself was unbelievable. I had to get dressed in the dark. I never looked at my naked body. I would only take baths not showers because I couldn't bare standing up so exposed. I wouldn't wear t-shirts - I had to wear a jumper so you couldn't make out the outline of my breasts. Look at the pictures of me when I was 14. I was so sick. Sicker than I am now. Believe it or not, I can accept my body more now. When I was with Alex, he almost made me begin to love it. But the idea of suicide never became a serious contemplation for me in those days. And I can't remember much of what it was like. Maybe I am more sick now. The experiences in childhood are so different to adulthood. I'm 23 now. No one can help me and no one should help me. It's a different loneliness. I think I am more frightened now.

I have to go back to my university city on Friday, and the university Club to see all my old friends, the close girlfriends I love, girls who loved me... And I am so consumed with fear, because I am so fat, and I really, really don't think I can do it - because I've lost her, I've lost the girl who was brave enough and hungry enough to laugh. I don't want to go - but I miss them, I want to see them... I don't know why I want to hide.

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tightly closed in a bud, was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."
make it true


I did a stupid thing today. I met a friend from the Club, and I went there to meet him.
I had a new costume, but the mask was beyond repair. That's when I realised it was gone, the sparkling pretty girl mask was gone. 'I don't think it's a mask; I think it's just one side of you.' I loved that mark. I mean mask.
I wish I hadn't gone back there. The memories, the smell, the staircase, the clothes. I looked at the spot where I had laid out the tables for my ball back in December, I stood at the entrance where I walked into D and charmed him to come out one evening, I looked at the board where Alex was. Alex. The friends I made and lost in a year. Alex.
It's been two months since I saw him and not a day - not a single fucking day - has he left my mind. I want him out of my head. I want him OUT OF MY HEAD. I want someone to flush out my mind of all the decaying memories.
please


I'm haunted, day and night. Every night i want to pick up the phone and tell him how much im dying i want to just send a message but hes gone hes gone i know where he is but hes gone
And I don't even care! This isn't even about him anymore.
What is it? WHAT IS ALL OF THIS ABOUT? WHY? just WHY. why cant it just stop
I don't want to feel anything anymore.


I cry now from despair. I want to curl up in a ball with someone's arms around me. "I want to be held in someone's arms"
I have pushed away so many friends.
I have isolated myself.
And all that remains to comfort me are memories and ghosts

I want to hide and I want to run - but neither will give me an escape... and yet, living - "blossoming/blooming" - it hurts as much.

record. going round and round...

"and all that consumes me is fear. Just fear"


I have structured scribbles in my notebook for a different post. And this is all I can give you today.

8 comments:

  1. We're here to be your shoulder if you need one to cry on. Why do you think we read, huh? :p

    Try to remember something happy, a reason to love yourself. Coz you are worthy of love. You deserve to be happy and have a long life of joy.

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Were it that I could wrap my arms around you, I would in a less than a heartbeat. Some people take more time than others to stop remembering every other second. Soon it will be time to blossom again for you, regardless of the sure pain and risks. The pain will not be worse than what it is now. Just different....and it may only seem worse at the time because of it's close proximity to happiness. At this point it's worth a try...you can't fall if your already on the ground.

    Sending you my love and thoughts.

    p.s. I had to make an edit in spelling...hence the "this post has been removed by the author" bit.
    <3

    ReplyDelete
  4. ooh how i do love anais nin.
    excellent quote

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh honey, hate to see you so upset.
    Love you are so strong, you have made great progress under unbearable circumstances, I don't think that any of us is as strong as you are.
    You can do this, you can face Alex, because eventually you'll have to.. Somehow.

    If I could, I would have been over there right now, holding you and comforting you the best I possibly can.
    You are the reason why we read this blog, because you're as far as I can tell, and I have been reading your blogs for a while now.. an amazing person, and not only because you're thinspirational, no, because you get through every day which is more than I can say.

    Babysteps babe,
    I'm here for you if you ever need me.

    Love, xxx and massive hugs!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. <3 Anais Nin.

    I'm sorry you're feeling so crummy. I wish I knew what to say to make it all better, but there aren't words for that. Just try and believe that you're wonderful, and try to find happiness in the little things. :-*
    xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  7. I´d love to be there and hold you while you cry, tell you that you are an amazing person and that you WILL get through this.
    Try to remember happy memories so you know this won´t last forever.
    Hugs

    ReplyDelete
  8. I wish you courage to grow beyond the fear.

    you have all my love & support

    xo

    ReplyDelete

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)