I was reading a random article about bulimia online. It was the comments on the article that struck me. There are so many of us - so many people addicted to dying.
I'm supposed to be keeping a food diary for my therapy. I can't list how much I've eaten and thrown up, four, five times a day in the last week. Huge piles of food in and out, over and over. I'm doing it because I want to die, it's becoming quite conscious now.
Below are the comments on the article I read. The article is not important, it's the list of nameless people living this hell, saying words I understand too well. So many. Nameless. We are all nameless. The nameless stories of people living through hell, knowing the damage, knowing the danger, and hopelessly praying that it will all get better. We're like broken records all droning the same nameless story... so many, so, so many...
too many.
How can this be stopped. How the hell can this be fixed? No one deserves this. I can't even say what I want to say - but can you feel it? This shouldn't BE. And I want it to stop. I don't want this to exist. I don't want this many people suffering. How and why is this such a fucking silent death conviction? How can we save them?
This is too much.
Dec 31, 2008 9:28 AMGuest : I have been Bulimic for going on a year now. I halted last summer and thought I had quit...but stress overcame myself, my family...my whole life...and it all started over again. I tell myself everyday I can over come this sickness...but really, I think it's gone past me being able to help myself. I want so badly to stop, but I don't know how...Its began to make me feel better about myself when I do it...but then I get so tired and weak and have no motivation to do anything...my family and my friends and myself all suffer from this. And I hate it.
Jan 16, 2009 5:05 PMGuest : I have been bulimic for 5 years now. I hate what Im doing to myself and my friends. I seeked help from this bitter illness when my dad took his life. Now I feel I am losing mine. I have lost my sole. I have tryed everything ranging from gp visits to an eating disorders unit to hypnotherapy and nothing helped!
I am weak, unhappy and have started throwing up blood now. I'm scared!
Jan 20, 2009 9:20 PMGuest : ive had bulimia and anorexia for the past 3 years.
im only 15, and its the worst thing ever.
i know im gonna die if i dont stop but i cant and im so scared, i throw up between 40-80 times a day and its getting worse.
i dont know what im going to do with myself
Mar 15, 2009 12:37 AMGuest : I have been bulemic for nearly ten years. Unbelievable to me when counting the years. I started in college but I remember making myself throw up so I didn't have to go to school when I was in kindergarten. I felt powerful and in control. How could it have lasted for so long? I thought it would just go away. Has it? My hunger for perfection lingers on. My throat hurts todays. I say it's just a cold and deep down inside me I have convinced myself that it's true. I am irritable somedays and other days I feel completely normal. I have two small girls-4 and 19 months. I always told myself that I would never throw-up in front of my girls. I am not perfect, I failed one time and I can hear her words carved into my brain. She said," Mommy, why did you let your throw-up out?" I can't let her see me again. I HATE the liar inside of me. I want so much to be committed to recovery but it is so difficult...I don't want to leave my girls. I know if I don't, I won't be there for them when they need me the most, years from now. Yet, I hide.
Mar 19, 2009 12:04 PMGuest : I have been bulimic for five yrs, lost my partner as he could not take my selfish erratic behaviour anymore! I desperatly want to stop i can't hold down a relationship i am behavin promiscuous i get far too drunk when i go out! Its like i am trying to destroy my life, its as if i do things on purpose to give me a purpose to hate myself! Every morning i wake up i think today is the day i will stop, i will eat healthily but by the the night i have binged at least three times and just feel a failure! I've been the doctors for help but they do not have the resources! I feel selfish even going the doctors because i am doing it to myself, i put my fingers down my throat, i eat the food that makes me feel fat, i am the one that slyly hides food and does things five yrs ago would never imagined myself doing! I just wish it would go forever and sometimes i feel the only time i will be free from it is the day i die!
Apr 15, 2009 3:51 PMGuest : My body is a prison, food is the enemy. When I'm throwing up, I loathe food, I depsise it. When I'm around family, happy and enjoying life(as much as the disease allows for it), food is my friend. I can control this, I think. I don't have a problem, I repeat. NO. I am an intelligent, career-driven mother. I can stop this. NO. I can't stop this and I hate myself for it. I really hate myself---how pathetic is that? I constantly feel tired, sick and constantly worry about my health. I am lucky to be healthy naturally and I am doing this to myself. I am making myself sick.
I WANT to stop, I DESIRE to stop. I simply cant do it on my own.
I called for help recently, I am going to try. I am still scared to tell my family, so the secrets will continue. I will seek therapy in private and the chains wont fully be broken. I wish I could be honest with myself and others. I am tired of lying. I am tired of hating myself. And I am tired of being this type of mother to my child. I want to LIVE.
Apr 19, 2009 2:32 PMGuest : I can't stop this monster. I have been bulimic for 7 long years. As stated above I feel 100 and I am only 24. I have lost so much because of my disease. I have dropped out of universities and colleges 5 times due to my bulimia, lost all of my friends from isolation, hurt loved ones, stole, and lied more than I can keep up with. I have been to 2 inpatient centers, an out patient center, therapists, psychologists, and "bulimia studies." Piled up huge medical bills, but I still can't stop. I hate bulimia, I gain weight because I binge so much. I feel like a prisoner in my own body. I am drained and empty. I don't know how to live anymore, but I want to.
Jun 10, 2009 10:58 AMGuest : I sit and waste the day with food.Eat,get sick,eat to feel better.Get sick.Go shopping....buy food. Feel worse.I feel like I live in my own universe.14 yrs into it and you think I might know more.No teeth.scars on my knuckles.size 00 to 3.waiting and wanting for something to help. S O S
Feb 4, 2010 11:08 AMGuest : i have been bullimic for 3 years. and recently ive sought help. im not too sure whether i'll be able to get better, and part of me doesnt want to. i throw up between 10 and 30 times a day and i have no control with food whatsoever. its a horrible illness and im scared that if i dont get better then i will die. but there is hope.. and theres hope for you all x
Feb 4, 2010 3:53 PMGuest : today i will acknowledge my demon...i used to weight 255 pounds and i lost weight and got down to 144. i did this with diet pills and bulemia...and now the weight is gone and i cant regain balance. i dont want to do this to myself. i can barely make myself get through one day without throwing up...and what's worse...i'm about to be a nurse
Mar 24, 2010 10:04 PMGuest : i dont really know how i started i have 2 years now that i vomit my food. i binge soo much i wait a while and vomit. i over abuse laxatives the stress of this is killing me everyday i seek help but im embarrased and afraid of my family what they might think im 17 now almost 18 started at 16 i seek help
Apr 12, 2010 4:28 AMGuest : Ive had bulimia for nearly 10 years, im in total denial over it!My behaviour is so erratic because of it,i shut myself off from people because i believe they dont like me!I've lost some good friends due to my behaviour and now i feel so lonely!The worst part is that now it has started to affect my job,I hate going to work because half the time i have cold sores on my face from all the self induced vomiting!I eat when i dont want to and then feel the immense urge to make myself sick!Only people who have this disorder can understand what a prison it is!!It has affected me so badly the last time i can actually remember being happy was before i had this problem!I cant stand losing more people that i love so i am going to ave to try and get some help!
Apr 13, 2010 10:09 PMGuest : I have been bulimic on and off for- it seems INSANE to type- 23 years! Every time that I "recover", I think "there's no way I'll ever do that again." But here I am again. And again. I feel so trapped by this war with my body and food. I careen between anorexia and bulimia. One causes the other and I never seem able to just eat normally. I went to DBT day treatment for TWO years straight to get my self-injurious behaviors under control. It allowed me to finally finish undergraduate school and start my master's degree. I'm now an intern doing acupuncture and oriental medicine- helping other people heal. Meanwhile, I'm destroying myself. It makes me hate myself so much. I wish that I would die soon because I can't take this misery any more.
Apr 17, 2010 1:49 PMGuest : iv been bulimic 4 11 years. i was 1st diagnosed at 13 with bulimia with anorexic thinking,iv been hospitalised 4 times, my muscles in my face have collapsed, heart palpitations kidneys are damaged. i so want to overcome this illness but if im truthful i dont ever see a day where i wont have my head down the toilet. i know i will die of this illness and i know it will be in the next 3 years if i dont stop. but this hasnt stopped me from doin it. everyday is a struggle and a battle. bulimia has destryed my life. i spend 30 pound a day on food. i got in so much debt iv had to declare myself bankrupt .
Jul 9, 2010 2:39 AMGuest : I'm 19 years old and I've been bulimic for nearly 6 years. I've been hospitalized twice and visited every kind of therapist imaginable, from family social worker to psychologist. I have countless self-help books stacked in my room right now...
Yet, I still purge about 7-10 times a day. 7-10 times a day for six years. I don't want to even think about how many times I've vomited in my lifetime.
I've wasted money. Time. Energy. I've lost friends, frustrated my family, scared away boyfriends.
I see that this disease is tearing apart my life (not to mention my teeth and intestines) but no matter how hard I try, I always wind up stuck over the toilet.
I don't have any energy anymore...All I want to do is sleep...I used to run 10 miles a day for the shear joy of it, and now I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I think my life may be ending soon, and the most pathetic part is, I don't have enough hope left in me to fight for it. Good luck to all of you who are battling this like I am... I think I'm going to lose pretty soon.
Sep 8, 2010 10:46 AMGuest : I have had this for 33 years. I am a man and I am not thin now and I think it is because of it. If anything I am overweight today even though I purge everything I take in. I think the fact that I am overweight now & still purging everything drives me to continue and not seek help. My thought process is ... if I am overweight now & I am purging everything I take in, imagine how big I would get if I were to stop. I hear people say this can lead to death. I don't believe that because I have been doing it for over 33 years now and I am still alive and kicking.
I'm supposed to be keeping a food diary for my therapy. I can't list how much I've eaten and thrown up, four, five times a day in the last week. Huge piles of food in and out, over and over. I'm doing it because I want to die, it's becoming quite conscious now.
Below are the comments on the article I read. The article is not important, it's the list of nameless people living this hell, saying words I understand too well. So many. Nameless. We are all nameless. The nameless stories of people living through hell, knowing the damage, knowing the danger, and hopelessly praying that it will all get better. We're like broken records all droning the same nameless story... so many, so, so many...
too many.
How can this be stopped. How the hell can this be fixed? No one deserves this. I can't even say what I want to say - but can you feel it? This shouldn't BE. And I want it to stop. I don't want this to exist. I don't want this many people suffering. How and why is this such a fucking silent death conviction? How can we save them?
This is too much.
Dec 31, 2008 9:28 AMGuest : I have been Bulimic for going on a year now. I halted last summer and thought I had quit...but stress overcame myself, my family...my whole life...and it all started over again. I tell myself everyday I can over come this sickness...but really, I think it's gone past me being able to help myself. I want so badly to stop, but I don't know how...Its began to make me feel better about myself when I do it...but then I get so tired and weak and have no motivation to do anything...my family and my friends and myself all suffer from this. And I hate it.
Jan 16, 2009 5:05 PMGuest : I have been bulimic for 5 years now. I hate what Im doing to myself and my friends. I seeked help from this bitter illness when my dad took his life. Now I feel I am losing mine. I have lost my sole. I have tryed everything ranging from gp visits to an eating disorders unit to hypnotherapy and nothing helped!
I am weak, unhappy and have started throwing up blood now. I'm scared!
Jan 20, 2009 9:20 PMGuest : ive had bulimia and anorexia for the past 3 years.
im only 15, and its the worst thing ever.
i know im gonna die if i dont stop but i cant and im so scared, i throw up between 40-80 times a day and its getting worse.
i dont know what im going to do with myself
Mar 15, 2009 12:37 AMGuest : I have been bulemic for nearly ten years. Unbelievable to me when counting the years. I started in college but I remember making myself throw up so I didn't have to go to school when I was in kindergarten. I felt powerful and in control. How could it have lasted for so long? I thought it would just go away. Has it? My hunger for perfection lingers on. My throat hurts todays. I say it's just a cold and deep down inside me I have convinced myself that it's true. I am irritable somedays and other days I feel completely normal. I have two small girls-4 and 19 months. I always told myself that I would never throw-up in front of my girls. I am not perfect, I failed one time and I can hear her words carved into my brain. She said," Mommy, why did you let your throw-up out?" I can't let her see me again. I HATE the liar inside of me. I want so much to be committed to recovery but it is so difficult...I don't want to leave my girls. I know if I don't, I won't be there for them when they need me the most, years from now. Yet, I hide.
Mar 19, 2009 12:04 PMGuest : I have been bulimic for five yrs, lost my partner as he could not take my selfish erratic behaviour anymore! I desperatly want to stop i can't hold down a relationship i am behavin promiscuous i get far too drunk when i go out! Its like i am trying to destroy my life, its as if i do things on purpose to give me a purpose to hate myself! Every morning i wake up i think today is the day i will stop, i will eat healthily but by the the night i have binged at least three times and just feel a failure! I've been the doctors for help but they do not have the resources! I feel selfish even going the doctors because i am doing it to myself, i put my fingers down my throat, i eat the food that makes me feel fat, i am the one that slyly hides food and does things five yrs ago would never imagined myself doing! I just wish it would go forever and sometimes i feel the only time i will be free from it is the day i die!
Apr 15, 2009 3:51 PMGuest : My body is a prison, food is the enemy. When I'm throwing up, I loathe food, I depsise it. When I'm around family, happy and enjoying life(as much as the disease allows for it), food is my friend. I can control this, I think. I don't have a problem, I repeat. NO. I am an intelligent, career-driven mother. I can stop this. NO. I can't stop this and I hate myself for it. I really hate myself---how pathetic is that? I constantly feel tired, sick and constantly worry about my health. I am lucky to be healthy naturally and I am doing this to myself. I am making myself sick.
I WANT to stop, I DESIRE to stop. I simply cant do it on my own.
I called for help recently, I am going to try. I am still scared to tell my family, so the secrets will continue. I will seek therapy in private and the chains wont fully be broken. I wish I could be honest with myself and others. I am tired of lying. I am tired of hating myself. And I am tired of being this type of mother to my child. I want to LIVE.
Apr 19, 2009 2:32 PMGuest : I can't stop this monster. I have been bulimic for 7 long years. As stated above I feel 100 and I am only 24. I have lost so much because of my disease. I have dropped out of universities and colleges 5 times due to my bulimia, lost all of my friends from isolation, hurt loved ones, stole, and lied more than I can keep up with. I have been to 2 inpatient centers, an out patient center, therapists, psychologists, and "bulimia studies." Piled up huge medical bills, but I still can't stop. I hate bulimia, I gain weight because I binge so much. I feel like a prisoner in my own body. I am drained and empty. I don't know how to live anymore, but I want to.
Jun 10, 2009 10:58 AMGuest : I sit and waste the day with food.Eat,get sick,eat to feel better.Get sick.Go shopping....buy food. Feel worse.I feel like I live in my own universe.14 yrs into it and you think I might know more.No teeth.scars on my knuckles.size 00 to 3.waiting and wanting for something to help. S O S
Feb 4, 2010 11:08 AMGuest : i have been bullimic for 3 years. and recently ive sought help. im not too sure whether i'll be able to get better, and part of me doesnt want to. i throw up between 10 and 30 times a day and i have no control with food whatsoever. its a horrible illness and im scared that if i dont get better then i will die. but there is hope.. and theres hope for you all x
Feb 4, 2010 3:53 PMGuest : today i will acknowledge my demon...i used to weight 255 pounds and i lost weight and got down to 144. i did this with diet pills and bulemia...and now the weight is gone and i cant regain balance. i dont want to do this to myself. i can barely make myself get through one day without throwing up...and what's worse...i'm about to be a nurse
Mar 24, 2010 10:04 PMGuest : i dont really know how i started i have 2 years now that i vomit my food. i binge soo much i wait a while and vomit. i over abuse laxatives the stress of this is killing me everyday i seek help but im embarrased and afraid of my family what they might think im 17 now almost 18 started at 16 i seek help
Apr 12, 2010 4:28 AMGuest : Ive had bulimia for nearly 10 years, im in total denial over it!My behaviour is so erratic because of it,i shut myself off from people because i believe they dont like me!I've lost some good friends due to my behaviour and now i feel so lonely!The worst part is that now it has started to affect my job,I hate going to work because half the time i have cold sores on my face from all the self induced vomiting!I eat when i dont want to and then feel the immense urge to make myself sick!Only people who have this disorder can understand what a prison it is!!It has affected me so badly the last time i can actually remember being happy was before i had this problem!I cant stand losing more people that i love so i am going to ave to try and get some help!
Apr 13, 2010 10:09 PMGuest : I have been bulimic on and off for- it seems INSANE to type- 23 years! Every time that I "recover", I think "there's no way I'll ever do that again." But here I am again. And again. I feel so trapped by this war with my body and food. I careen between anorexia and bulimia. One causes the other and I never seem able to just eat normally. I went to DBT day treatment for TWO years straight to get my self-injurious behaviors under control. It allowed me to finally finish undergraduate school and start my master's degree. I'm now an intern doing acupuncture and oriental medicine- helping other people heal. Meanwhile, I'm destroying myself. It makes me hate myself so much. I wish that I would die soon because I can't take this misery any more.
Apr 17, 2010 1:49 PMGuest : iv been bulimic 4 11 years. i was 1st diagnosed at 13 with bulimia with anorexic thinking,iv been hospitalised 4 times, my muscles in my face have collapsed, heart palpitations kidneys are damaged. i so want to overcome this illness but if im truthful i dont ever see a day where i wont have my head down the toilet. i know i will die of this illness and i know it will be in the next 3 years if i dont stop. but this hasnt stopped me from doin it. everyday is a struggle and a battle. bulimia has destryed my life. i spend 30 pound a day on food. i got in so much debt iv had to declare myself bankrupt .
Jul 9, 2010 2:39 AMGuest : I'm 19 years old and I've been bulimic for nearly 6 years. I've been hospitalized twice and visited every kind of therapist imaginable, from family social worker to psychologist. I have countless self-help books stacked in my room right now...
Yet, I still purge about 7-10 times a day. 7-10 times a day for six years. I don't want to even think about how many times I've vomited in my lifetime.
I've wasted money. Time. Energy. I've lost friends, frustrated my family, scared away boyfriends.
I see that this disease is tearing apart my life (not to mention my teeth and intestines) but no matter how hard I try, I always wind up stuck over the toilet.
I don't have any energy anymore...All I want to do is sleep...I used to run 10 miles a day for the shear joy of it, and now I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I think my life may be ending soon, and the most pathetic part is, I don't have enough hope left in me to fight for it. Good luck to all of you who are battling this like I am... I think I'm going to lose pretty soon.
Sep 8, 2010 10:46 AMGuest : I have had this for 33 years. I am a man and I am not thin now and I think it is because of it. If anything I am overweight today even though I purge everything I take in. I think the fact that I am overweight now & still purging everything drives me to continue and not seek help. My thought process is ... if I am overweight now & I am purging everything I take in, imagine how big I would get if I were to stop. I hear people say this can lead to death. I don't believe that because I have been doing it for over 33 years now and I am still alive and kicking.
Those comments are heartbreakin....we are so many people sufferin from this, that´s why in some point I want to create a treatment center for ED´s that´s helpful, not like the most that I know and from what I heard from girls in other countries.
ReplyDeleteI don´t know yet how to help others with this dissease but I really want to learn(that of course when I get better...if that even happens)
Reading all of this strikes me as so weird that so many people could be so similar.
ReplyDeleteIt makes you wonder about those in your everyday life.
I always think I must be projecting ED behaviors on people sometimes, but then I read stuff like this and I wonder.
wow....and the only thing left is the question: why?
ReplyDeletenothing seems fair
Sobering words. I'd take a great amount of vindictive please of rubbing the noses of those who say 'Just eat a fucking sandwich' in them. Bastards.
ReplyDeleteYour comment made me squirm and blush in a happy way :) Lying in bed with the curtains pulled for a bit sounds like a good idea. Probably will do that if I get really burned at Circulation XD
What kind of design are you planning on getting? You can do it! The itching during healing is the worst part, I think. Ooooh, it'll be the PERFECT excuse to get out of dishes! All the super-hot soapy water would be really bad for new ink *Hint hint* :p
What did you study at Uni? I'm on year 4 and counting coz I was a tard and studied things I hated and was bad at, so I kept failing >.<; Not anymore though!
I hope you had a good weekend. Go frolic in some leaf piles for me, ok? <3
This is so sad. Why do so many of us suffer? I always think I am alone with the exception of the anonamous bloggers I follow online. Maybe that's not the case maybe more people in my life struggle hide it so well and one knows?
ReplyDelete~ Harlow