Sunday, 1 February 2009

Exorcism

Wow.
Firstly, thank you.
Caiten, whoever and wherever you are, that one comment meant so much to me. It was a shock and a truly great comfort.

At the same time, I was also very shaken. I have come out: This other identity, this dark side of me, this unspoken monster that I really am. Now I know she exists, alive and free from her chains, and it's a scary prospect, for in revealing this monster, I am also acknowledging her. My illness is not a secret anymore - it is real and I cannot deny it, for this page is living proof of its existence and its power over me.

My heart desires to give so much more to this blog, to post photos of myself, my mum, my friends, my university town, my hometown, my room, the boys I liked, the places I have been... I want to share my memories, and these huge images of who I am.
But this page must remain just words for now. I fear even telling you what University I am at...
This leads me to question why I am so afraid of being discovered...

I am ashamed of this identity. I am ashamed of my mental illness because for me, it is and always will be the evil part of me. Nothing about what I have written in this blog is anything to be proud of. It's weak, it's shameful and it's disgraceful. I know that, and that is why I write anonymously.

For who on earth would want credit for words inspired by a corrupt soul?
This is an exorcism of that evil identity who, in my daily life, I keep chained inside my dark bedroom.

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Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)