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Ok so, my new theory:

If I don't buy food, I can't eat it...

I've kept myself locked in my room the last few days and haven't really had anything left to eat in my flat other than tins of tuna (in water of course), some pieces of frozen chicken, frozen vegetables and porridge oats. The porridge oats have probably been my biggest downfall. Porridge and bread are my favourite binge foods, I can easily eat 4 bowls of porridge or a whole loaf of bread... I haven't bought bread in months... and I never buy milk anymore either, but I just can't get rid of the porridge! It really is one of the last things in the world that enables me to cope! (I make it with water not milk to save on calories) - tastes a bit naff, but still gives me the motivational kick I need!

I've also discovered Nakd bars - if you haven't heard of them, find them! Basically, despite my eating disorder and desire not to eat, I am also completely obsessed with getting all my vitamins etc. I could never starve myself completely because I have to have my 5 portions of fruit and veg every day (or as close as I can get). Nakd bars are basically bars of compressed fruit and nothing else! Kinda like a solid smoothie if you like...
So, I've ordered two boxes of 24 bars, and my idea is to have one or two a day instead of meals (well...I don't eat meals anyway...but at mealtimes...) and that way I'll stay full (cos they are really filling), get in my 5 a day AND be having less than 500 calories a day easily!
Flawless plan.... I hope, we'll see how it goes!

Last night was another eventful one.
Ahh it's all about getting stupidly drunk and shamefully embarrassing while you're at uni...

A large group of my friends were having a bit of a social so after hesitating at first (cos I know what happens when I go a bit wild) I joined them. I have a pretty large social network through a society that I'm a part of at university, so when I say friends, most of them are really just acquaintances that I get on with... There were about 25-30 people to start with, all playing the standard drinking games. When I walked in, I immediately saw James sitting bang slap in the middle. I groaned inwardly and immediately regretted my decision to come. I did however applaud my decision to make a really big effort to look nice. I'd spent ages doing my hair and choosing my outfit, and was pretty pleased with my turnout. Shame about the chubbyness of my face at the moment, but weight aside it wasn't too bad.
Anyway, like I say, I saw James and a little part of me died... primarily because I hadn't tidied my room, waxed my necessary areas and was far too fat to have sex confidently. (Yes I assumed that after our recent conversations via text that the next time I saw him we would have sex.) So, of course, he's all charming and flirty in his usual manner and I can't help but be all mushy over him too. The only thing with James is that he knows about my eating disorder, and every time I see him it turns into a him questioning me in 'concern' and giving me a stupid lecture about how curvy women are beautiful, blah blah blah. And I usually just get really pissed off with him. Standard. A little bit later in the evening, Simon (from New Years Eve) turns up and I think my luck can't be getting much more awkward! We also have a chat (aka an outrageously MASSIVE flirt) and it was all great fun. I do love flirting.
So, by the time we all decide to hit the clubs, there are only about 10 or so of us left. Me and two of my best girlfriends, James, Simon, another guy called Peter and some others. By this time I was already pretty battered and being the noisy, over-confident idiot that I become when I am drunk. I kept on drinking more...lord knows why, cos I really didn't need it! Had a bit of a dance, lots more chats, lots more flirting... I don't really have a full recollection of the night...
Anyway, pretty near the end James had disappeared and I felt a bit downhearted - it's not nice to know that an easily pleased slut has decided not to sleep with you.
For some reason, I got into a taxi with my friend Rachel, Simon and Peter. Simon got out somewhere. Then Rachel got out somewhere. And then me and Peter found ourselves back where we had come from in the taxi with the taxi driver demanding us for a £7 fare that neither of us could pay (I had lost my purse at some point during this messy night). Apparently during this I was unconscious on the floor of the all this has been told to me this morning. Peter gave the taxi driver his watch, we got out the taxi and walked back to mine (which was 2 minutes from the club we had just left anyway so I have no idea why the hell I got into the taxi in the first place...)
So Peter stayed at mine.
Nothing happened until the morning when he persisted and persisted to try and have sex with me. Like really, that guy is fucking persistent!! I let him touch me and gave him a little kiss back, but was just like nah, I am far too fat, far too sober and there's far too much daylight for me to be able to get naked!!! So I was good and refused. :) I felt very pleased with myself. I like Peter, we've been mates for a while and he has a fantastic body, but I just don't really fancy him that much - can't help that!
Oh...yeah he also has a girlfriend (another cheating bastard! I love them). He's said quite openly before that he's just staying with her cos it's easier and not because he loves her anymore, and I know he's slept with a some other girls I know, but still... it wasn't really good enough to win me over.

So this morning after Peter left, I got my purse back (Rachel had it, and in the process had left her bag on a street somewhere...don't ask...) turns out she was in a worse state than me and had gotten out of the taxi at some random place and had to be rescued by a boy. (I don't know where she got out clearly cos I was so out of it in the taxi.) Traded funny stories with her and it turns out that she had been pulling Peter all night - he's a cheeky fucking bastard! (she doesn't remember any of it, I was too drunk to have noticed and err yeah...) So there we go. Good night out.

Got a phone call from James this evening telling me that I had left him a voicemail message on his mobile phone after he left. I do remember being pissed off that he had left and trying to ring him, but was completely unaware that I had gone and left him messages! Shit. You see, I told you I was an annoying little brat when I get drunk...
Genuinely appalled at myself for humiliating myself in such a manner, I apologised and asked what I had said, knowing it was probably pretty bad. According to James, I was pissed off that he had left and not had sex with me... hmmm... I'm not sure if I actually said those words or that was the general impression that he got from my verbal abuse. At any rate, embarrassing, yes, and probably the end of our 'friendship'.
I promptly text my friend to tell her what James had just told me, adding, "I probably meant every harsh word I said, he deserves it." And instead of sending it to her, sent it to James instead. Oh yeah, turn up the heat on the humiliation dial! Soooooo definitely not looking forward to having to see him again.

This Wednesday it is the 21st birthday of my girl friend above, and we've all planned a massive night out.
Mission One: Don't eat till Wednesday so I look really hot.
Mission Two: Corner Oliver and shout abuse at him (I just really want to)
Mission Three: Not pull or sleep with anyone (doing very well on this so far! Didn't sleep with James, Simon or Peter last night!!!!)
Mission Four: Have a fucking good time with my gorgeous girl friends!


  1. wow. your life is exactly like mine.
    only you are managing not to eat.
    uhm. and basically I don't ever have sex.
    cos I never ever feel good.
    uhm. and basically my life is not like yours
    okay whatever.
    I hope you'll have a great time on that 21st.

  2. OMG porridge binge - me all over!! And I actually prefer it with water. I've cut down to one bowl a day though. And your ideas on vitamins and never being able to starve self completely are also spot on!

    Although I have infinitely less sex/opportunities for sex. Sad.

    I am definitely going to look up these Nakd bars, they sound immense!


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