Skip to main content


It has been a rough week to say the least.

I haven't been into uni all week. Not once. Why? Because I'm a lazy, fat, drunken slut and I want to ruin my life as much as fucking possible.

I need someone to fucking tread on me tonight and make me cry my eyes out. I really need to cry, get down on my knees and scream my lungs out, smash up all my posessions, slash my curtains and paint streaks of red acress my walls. Shit. It's fucking raging inside of me. I need to cut myself.

but I have held off for so 3/4 weeks or something I think?

To try and get out some of this anger I have drawn red lines across my arms and legs. Apparently that is supposed to help because it looks like bleeding cuts, and I get that thrill and sense of satisfaction but without the permanent scars...
but still, like I say, I need some pain, I need something to make me scream and cry and go crazy at.
I have written the usual hate messages across my body in black marker pen: 'I will not eat', 'Fat bitch' etc etc

I ended up with Simon (another one, not New Years Eve Simon) on Monday. We had spent the night together a few times leading up to Christmas, but he has a girlfriend so it was a no go. He asked me round to sew on some things to his shirt...and cut a long story straight we ended up going clubbing, getting smashed and fucking.
Then this girl turns up who was the reason for Oliver turning into a cunt with me because Oli was getting with her whilst getting with me... and I really hate her cos she's an absolute piece of trash, and she knows I absolutely hate her, but she turns up at Simon's, and... well I don't really know what else to say...all three of us were in his bed.

So of course she told Oli and he told the rest of the world, and he had a good laugh in my face. And we had a few fucked up converstaions. Meanwhile I am sending shameful texts to James who is leading me on and not following up. And on Wednesday I get really drunk again, tell people loads of stuff I should really be ashamed of and how much I want to get with Oli, end up trying to go home with Simon again, and blah blah fucking blah.

Like what the fuck.

So of course, cos I've gone off the rails with the men, I go completely fucked up with the eating and stuff myself senseless and lock myself up in my room.

I want to never eat again.

I'm literally on the edge of my nerves. I've just popped extra pills to try and have some sort of an effect, I am so low right now I'm fucking reeling and shaking.

God damn shit. I will never fucking tell you. Yes I LIE. I LIE TO YOU OK! HOW CAN I EVER REVEAL THIS FUCKED UP PIECE OF TRASH THAT I AM TO YOU?!

I need to see blood


  1. mjsm89@hotmail.com13 February 2009 at 23:40

    what a fucking crap.
    I'd just love to first slap you in the face and then rock you in my arms until you are calm. and I don't even know you. whatever.
    I just... I care. okay?
    and I guess I'm not the only one.
    so don't. go running. scream. do something.
    don't hurt yourself, hun. I've done it, too.
    and I didn't do it in a long time since
    a month ago.
    and I so regret getting back to it.
    I know it would be weird..
    but email me. I'd love to listen.
    I'm from germany, so I couldn't even
    think of embarassing you.

  2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.


Post a Comment

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)

Popular posts from this blog

"Here I am, sane and dry"

"I stayed there, staring at myself in the glass. What do I want to cry about?.... On the contrary, it's when l am quite sane like this, when I have had a couple of extra drinks and am quite sane, that I realize how lucky I am.
Saved, rescued, fished-up, half drowned, out of the deep, dark river, dry clothes, hair shampooed and set. Nobody would know I had ever been in it. Except, of course, that there always remains something. Yes, there always remains something....Never mind, here I am, sane and dry, with my place to hide in. What more do I want?....I'm a bit of an automaton, but sane, surely - dry, cold and sane. Now I have forgotten about dark streets, dark rivers, the pain, the struggle and the drowning...."
Jean Rhys, Good Morning, Midnight

Love. Sick.

And finally, today, I cried; soaked the tissues and pillowcase like I had been longing to do for weeks. The most I had been able to manage recently had been dry crying with a scrunched up face and aching heart. Such relief now to be able to physically release emotions other than vomit.

What words do I use to write about the last few weeks? Crippling, torturous anxiety, studying for finance exams, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting, seeing Gareth, fucking Gareth, hating Gareth, exercising and exercising, bingeing and vomiting. Overcome by the fear and confusion and heartache. Studying for finance exams, but really just exercising and bingeing and vomiting.

The exams are done now and I have been free from those chains for a week - definitely alleviating a great deal of the pressure from my mental crumbling. I was close to slipping back under into the darkness. The darkness of having complete loss of control, complete loss of everything to the sickness in my brain.
days …


We both knew what we wanted - of that there is absolutely no doubt.
We didn't have to say anything, from the start of the week, right up until the point where I was naked in his bed; we both knew.
About two weeks ago Gareth and a few of our colleagues had arranged to have a night out this Friday. We had a pretty tight knit group of 6 who often lunched together at work, but this was one of the few times we were actually going out together. From Monday Gareth was pestering me like he had before:  "Are you coming out on Friday, are we going out out, are we gonna have a big one..."  "Yes", I had replied, "of course." And I booked my waxing appointment and blowdry for Friday lunch, my mind made up about what I wanted.  I had been thinking what would I regret more; sleeping with him or not sleeping with him. I decided on the latter. I'd not been with anyone since Joe left in January and more than that, thoughts of Gareth were continually running through…