Thursday, 30 July 2009

for fucks sake.

I had to eat a MASSIVE lunch that should have been for three people and then half a pizza - a pizza - that's not even real food! It's fucking sickening. No wonder I'm so disgusting at the moment. I can't even seem to throw it all up any more its just all sticking to my body as fat.

I really have had enough of keeping up this act of eating shit so that people don't think I'm a freak. I'm gonna eat the bare minimum on this camp. Just bits of fruit and veg at one meal maybe. And if they don't like it they can bitch about me all they want. I do not care anymore. I'm an adult. I should be able to eat what I want.

I am so frustrated with everything.
How did I let myself get so fat again. SO FAT OPHELIA AGAIN. SO FAT.
No, no, no, they can stick their fatty food into their own oppressive mouths. Why should they have any control over mine.

I wish I could just be with people who supported me. People who looked at me in disgust when I ate. People who told me I was fat. People who wanted to lose weight. People who believe in beauty.
Why is everyone against me? Why is fat so normal and so right? Why is ugly acceptable?

I just want beauty...clean bones. Why the hell is that so wrong?

So I messaged 'C' and he messaged back, asked me a load of questions so he clearly likes :)
I dunno why I take rejection so bad. It would kill me.

I'm filling in applications for training contracts with law firms at the moment. I have to put my mitigating/extenuating circumstances in to explain why I went from perfect-top-of-the-class student to just very average. I guess that's a bonus to having gone in for treatment I get nice doctors letters.
And then I write on the forms all about how I have now got better and healthier and how this has made me a stronger and braver person.

Never lie on an application form right.

Water for two weeks and the odd vegetable/piece of fruit and then ONWARDS DOWN!


  1. you will come back transformed and be able to smile again! YOU CAN DO IT! Isn't it so twisted that we end up eating more than we want to keep up a facade. I'm sick of it too. Lets all take off our masks and show who we are! x

  2. nothing but support from this end ophelia. stay strong girl!!!


  3. I know just what you mean. It's like you're forced to eat just so that you can not eat... That didn't make much sense, but you know what i mean. Just stop caring what people say; that's what i've done. Do what you want because you want it! Stay strong and don't give in.

  4. oooo your gonna be so hot when you get back if you do that omg do it do it!!!
    dont let them tell you whats right for your body, because everyones body is different and nobody knows your body like you do, so then your the only one who knows whats right for your body :]
    that was the longest run on sentence ever :]]]
    stay strong <333

  5. Awe I'm so sorry : ( People just can't stand that anyone is trying to better themselves so they try and sabotage you. You are an adult, and should be able to eat or not eat whatever you want. It's not anyone's business but your own.
    I bet you'll lose so much these next two weeks : D You will be so strong!
    Good luck <3

  6. You're going to kick ass, Ophelia! We all care for you on this end, even when it feels that everyone is sucking on your end. Keep your head up, it's only temporary. You'll get through it and you'll move on. Forget everyone else. They have no idea what your life or desires are like. Stay focused, you'll get there.


Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)