Wednesday, 8 July 2009

Starving for

I hate the icky side effects of a starvation diet.
My hands are cold and clammy; the skin on my arms is dull and papery. My shoulders droop with weakness, I couldn’t lift anything at the moment. I’m just so tired.
I must apologise for not commenting/replying in the last few weeks, I've only been getting on the computer at work and am a bit paranoid about having a computer screen of ED sites. I'm finishing this week so I promise I will catch up!!

I’ve had some incredible resolve recently in order to get these sickly starvation side-effects. There's a big party at work tonight. I knew I had to starve for it. I have to look thin tonight; have to look beautiful; have to look the best; have to look perfect; have to make ‘C’ want me.

...I didn’t think he would have been invited. Then he told me on Monday morning that had been invited and was indeed coming, so I haven’t eaten since except for some cucumbers, tomatoes and apples. I’ve been pumping the laxatives as well to clear that out. It took me about 4 hours to choose what to wear last night. Every expensive dress made me look too fat in the mirror. Not good enough. Not fucking good enough. Too fat. Not perfect.
I’ve settled for a black shift dress with a pink crochet shrug and a waist clinching belt. There’s no changing it now. It’s sitting in the car waiting for me to put on when work ends at 5pm. Please God, make the reflection be kind to me this evening when I put it on, please let me see thin arms and legs, please let my flat stomach be flattered.
Jesus Christ if I look shit later I’m not gonna be able to hold it in.
I need to look perfect.
My head can’t take it.
I’m so scared.
I’m gonna crack.
I’m not gonna crack.
I’m too strong. I’ve worked too hard.
I want this too much.

‘C’ is gonna be there. This could be the last time I ever see him.
Fuck.
I killed myself these whole last two weeks while he’s been up in the same office as me in order to look perfect.
And I’ve never been so complimented in my life about the way I look.
But nothing from him.
I don’t accept nothing. I don’t except failure.
I have got to nail it tonight.
For all I know he’s gonna turn up with a fucking girlfriend, then I’d laugh. All this psychotic behavior for nothing.
But even if he walks away from me without a word I want to make a lasting impression. I want him to think one thing: ‘Wow’.

So you think I’m a self-interested, self-obsessed bitch who wants people to admire her and wants the world at her feet.
Yeah, I am.
But if you hate me for it, be happy in the knowledge that my life is miserable and empty as a result and I have nothing. Nothing. Cos it’s just a dream.

‘‘You’re almost too thin’’.
Fuck you.
God I wanted to scream!
I took it as an insult to my intelligence not a compliment.
Talks with concerned ‘father figures’ that I don’t eat properly/enough. Heard it all before, know how to deceive you all without blinking. Waste of time dear.

I went for a killer run last night. Pushed myself further than ever and it felt simply amazing.
Imagine the high tonight after the makeup and the dress and the hair is all done. I will look perfect. Oh please, please, I have to… I know I will break down if I look bad…

My happiness is held in a mirror at 6pm tonight.
And somehow...I already know I'm not gonna look good enough for him,
for them,
for me.
For ever.


EDIT: Commenters, I love you. You're right, I'm absolutely gonna be the thinnest there, turn heads and relish in it!! Positive thinking Ophelia!! xxx

12 comments:

  1. When does the the 'lonely teenage girl' demographic turn into the 'post-Norwegian Wood existential-romantic' thing?

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  2. Oh darling heart, I just read through all the weeks of your posts I've missed since I've been away. Just about every word of every post resonated with me. It's too much now for me to even remember what I was thinking about replying with. Just that I completely understand all of it. And your mother is horrible. My own mother scalds me with thinly failed vindictiveness, but most of it is just confusion between wanting the best for me and being jealous of me. And I know deep down that she loves me. I don't know how you cope. But I'm sending you all my love and I hope you leave a beautiful and lasting impression at the party

    xxx

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  3. honey ... you'll look perfect.
    Everytime i read your blog all i can think of is perfect. So why souldn't you be.
    So C's the only one who never gave you a compliment? Sounds like he's not doing so because you're too impressive. Ever thought of that? I know he's going to like you and the way you look tonight. Make the party a stunner. Be the ball princess. Cinderella-style.
    Furthermore i dont think it's ignorant ... I am myself like this. I want people to want me. I need it and if I don't get the attention I deserve (or want) I feel horrible. Heads have to turn if i enter a room. Believe me, I've been there. I know what it feels like. And even though that's a bit mean ... that's like one of the main reasons why I never want to be friends with stunning girls. Or dont want Steffi my best mate to lose weight. Things like that.
    I think it's just the way we are and there's nothing wrong with that. I even think that if we turned out to be that way - we kind of deserve it. Because we have to fight.
    But you're so much stronger than I am.

    I posted some comments for you on my blog, too :) before i read this post. check it out.
    and have a good time!

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  4. Why have I not known about your blog? I love it


    You are going to amaze everyone tonight. You are strong, you deserve it

    xoxo

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  5. I love your blog as well. :)

    I'm gonna follow. <3

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  6. ophelia, you'll be beautiful.
    you are beautiful.
    you will turn heads at that party, I have no idea who you are and yet, I know it.
    and you will be good enough, you are good enough.
    don't worry about 'C'. I'm sure he will not be able to leave you without a compliment tonight, I know it. x

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  7. good luck! i know you're going to stun everyone at the party. i wish you all the best.

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  8. there's nothing wrong with being vain :)

    good luck at the party!

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  9. Let us know how it goes, love!!!
    I'm rooting for you!

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  10. You are beautiful and better than everyone you know, I'm almost positive of this.

    I'm so proud of you for your achievement with your diploma 2:1!!! Good for you, keep blowing everyone away with your strength :)

    All my love and support, dear!

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  11. Oh, Ophelia!

    I just found your blog and have been reading through. You are so strong! I can imagine that you are beautiful. You are my hero! My heart leaps for you with your mother; her behavior is wretched. Thankfully you're smart and confident enough to see past her comments and know how motivated and resilient you truly are. Keep at it, you'll be off to school before too long anyway. I am anxious to hear how your evening went! All the best.

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  12. It will result in perfection

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Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)