So, what has happened in these last two weeks then?
Well, I guess I'd better start with that party I was preparing for when I wrote my last entry.
All the weight I lost for that has gone straight back on. I don't even want to talk about it. I came home and binged constantly for three days straight. All that hard work. Thrown away.
I dunno what I can write about that party anymore. Did I look thin? Did I look pretty? Did 'C' want me?
I don't know.
I can only tell you that in my head I looked fat, my belly stuck out, my cheeks were chubby, my calves were monstrous, my make-up was shit and no, no he didn't want me.
What's the truth?
I don't know, maybe other people thought I looked ok. I can only tell you what I visualised in the mirror.
I'm not gonna bore you with the ins and outs of when he smiled at me, and how I reacted and what he said etc, etc, primarily because I don't want to turn this blog into a trashy romance novel imitation. But I did think, after an evening of hating myself, for a fleeting moment when I was talking to him, that I had it, I'd got it, I'd won...
I added him on facebook. He accepted but he hasn't even messaged me or anything. So, ladies, that's code for ''I don't like you.'' Isn't it?
Normally I'd just message him and flirt without a care...but, I dunno, something has changed in me... it's like I'm suddenly so over-conscious that I'm too unattractive to waste my time.
So, I finished my temporary office job there, and went straight into working on a camp with a bunch of my mates from uni (hence the lack of blogging... I was in some remote part of the English countryside where there's no phone signal let alone internet!)
I was horrified and, to be honest, completely disgusted by my friends on camp. They would come back from dinner with 'food babies' and have to undo the zip on their jeans because their tummies were so big. The would laugh and joke about it. 'Oh I'm such a pig... I ate so much, look at me!' They would go on trips to buy junk food and then graze on it all day long like cows munching on grass. These girls are 20/21 and have cellulite on their thighs and butts that actually sag. Not one has a flat belly. Ok, not even one! Even the ones who are naturally skinny have bellies on them. God it actually makes me angry.My head is so fucked up... I keep trying to tell myself that I'm pretty and that I have a good body... because I know in the general picture it's true... and yet I hate myself for being so ugly and I hate being so fat... because that is also true - compared to the picture of perfection that I am striving to be!
I'm sick of people telling me to be happy with myself and accept my size and shape. Fucking hell, if it means I'm like all my friends then absolutely no way, no thanks. I'd rather be fucked up and have toned, solid thighs.
I think I'm turning into a stuck up bitch... I was the only one on camp who wasn't pulling/fucking one of the guys. Ok so I'm still hung up on 'C' but usually I'm prancing around flirting and loving the attention. Instead I was just ignoring any guy that tried it on, turning my nose up in disgust. Dare I say it, but I think my quest for perfection has completely extended into my taste in men as well... I'm not sure that that's a good thing.
Sorry this post has been a bit all over the place... I'll get my head thinking in straight lines soon. I'm definitely needing a fast. I'm so ready for this.
Two months until law school.
love to you all, sending you thin dreams,
Ophelia x x x