Wednesday, 22 July 2009

One of the girls

Apologies for the long, long absence. Well...it's been two weeks - but it feels like months! I have some SERIOUS catching up to do with you all, I hope you are all staying strong and I promise to read all your blogs in the next few days. I know I say it time and time again, but I couldn't do this without you all, you're all so kind and supportive to me and you've never even met me! It really means a lot.


So, what has happened in these last two weeks then?
Well, I guess I'd better start with that party I was preparing for when I wrote my last entry.
All the weight I lost for that has gone straight back on. I don't even want to talk about it. I came home and binged constantly for three days straight. All that hard work. Thrown away.

I dunno what I can write about that party anymore. Did I look thin? Did I look pretty? Did 'C' want me?
I don't know.
I can only tell you that in my head I looked fat, my belly stuck out, my cheeks were chubby, my calves were monstrous, my make-up was shit and no, no he didn't want me.
What's the truth?
I don't know, maybe other people thought I looked ok. I can only tell you what I visualised in the mirror.

I'm not gonna bore you with the ins and outs of when he smiled at me, and how I reacted and what he said etc, etc, primarily because I don't want to turn this blog into a trashy romance novel imitation. But I did think, after an evening of hating myself, for a fleeting moment when I was talking to him, that I had it, I'd got it, I'd won...
mmm no...
I added him on facebook. He accepted but he hasn't even messaged me or anything. So, ladies, that's code for ''I don't like you.'' Isn't it?
Normally I'd just message him and flirt without a care...but, I dunno, something has changed in me... it's like I'm suddenly so over-conscious that I'm too unattractive to waste my time.


So, I finished my temporary office job there, and went straight into working on a camp with a bunch of my mates from uni (hence the lack of blogging... I was in some remote part of the English countryside where there's no phone signal let alone internet!)

I was horrified and, to be honest, completely disgusted by my friends on camp. They would come back from dinner with 'food babies' and have to undo the zip on their jeans because their tummies were so big. The would laugh and joke about it. 'Oh I'm such a pig... I ate so much, look at me!' They would go on trips to buy junk food and then graze on it all day long like cows munching on grass. These girls are 20/21 and have cellulite on their thighs and butts that actually sag. Not one has a flat belly. Ok, not even one! Even the ones who are naturally skinny have bellies on them. God it actually makes me angry.
My head is so fucked up... I keep trying to tell myself that I'm pretty and that I have a good body... because I know in the general picture it's true... and yet I hate myself for being so ugly and I hate being so fat... because that is also true - compared to the picture of perfection that I am striving to be!
I'm sick of people telling me to be happy with myself and accept my size and shape. Fucking hell, if it means I'm like all my friends then absolutely no way, no thanks. I'd rather be fucked up and have toned, solid thighs.

I think I'm turning into a stuck up bitch... I was the only one on camp who wasn't pulling/fucking one of the guys. Ok so I'm still hung up on 'C' but usually I'm prancing around flirting and loving the attention. Instead I was just ignoring any guy that tried it on, turning my nose up in disgust. Dare I say it, but I think my quest for perfection has completely extended into my taste in men as well... I'm not sure that that's a good thing.

Sorry this post has been a bit all over the place... I'll get my head thinking in straight lines soon. I'm definitely needing a fast. I'm so ready for this.

Two months until law school.

love to you all, sending you thin dreams,
Ophelia x x x

6 comments:

  1. Aww I'm sorry about the binge. Don't worry you can get back on tract. And I totally understand when you see people pigging out. It makes me sick too. Goodluck and don't give up!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi!
    I just wanted to tell you that I've read all your posts and really love your blog <3
    I would be disgusted by those girls too. How can they joke about sabotaging themselves like that? And I don't think you're stuck up at all. You just know what you want. There's nothing wrong with striving for the best and beyond ; )
    I'm sure you'll lose any weight you gained from the binge too! I know you can do it!
    Stay strong and good luck <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. don't worry about your binge, I have done exactly the same thing, and I know what you mean about the people on camp, I swear I look around me and everyone is stuffing their faces with food, I don't get how they can be so laid back about it all...
    hope your okay :) x

    ReplyDelete
  4. God the description of your camp buddies behaviour makes me want to puke!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ophelia you are it. Seriously! You are my inspiration. My fucking idol. You are going to be so thin. So perfect... and so happy. Thank you for everything so far. It's going to happen for us. Let's do it! No more messing around. Let's just get thin. I'm right here with you. Sending you lots of love.

    Holly

    X X X

    ReplyDelete
  6. "I'm sick of people telling me to be happy with myself and accept my size and shape. Fucking hell, if it means I'm like all my friends then absolutely no way, no thanks. I'd rather be fucked up and have toned, solid thighs."

    I can totally relate. i went camping with my friends last week and saw everyone in a bathing suit. i was blow away by how gross even the thinner girls looked because they were all jiggly with bellies and TONS of cellulite. the smokers had the worst cellulite.

    I WOULD TOTALLY RATHER BE COMPLETELY FUCKED UP AND HAVE SOLID CELLULITE FREE THIGHS TOO

    ReplyDelete

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)