A Head Full of Beauty

It has, generally, been a very good week. I averaged at about 600 calories every day. Well, until last night and today – where I hit about 2000 in some relief binging – or whatever. Yes I am pissed off at myself. But no, I am not going to binge and moan and binge some more. I had a good week. Overall. I had a week off from law school so I was on a work experience placement at a law firm in my favourite part of the City. Oh I had forgotten how wonderful it is to feel hungry!! Constantly fighting away that constant twist inside with a smile of delight. Oh my God I’m shrinking! Visibly - I can see it! I went right back to the glorious days when I was 15 - exactly the same diet - Half a sandwich at lunch, half a sandwich at dinner, and a piece of chicken/fish with vegetables/fruit. Gloriiiiiious! I can't believe it, I'm finally getting back to the way I once was. So yes, today I ate – two whole actual meals – and biscuits – and then threw up twice. Now I was NOT bulimic when I was ...

I’ ve fallen for the most beautiful guy. And nothing hurts more. I’ ve still got the scars from the last time I fell… all the times I have fallen. My heart is aching - more than the tearing muscles in my over-exercised legs. I hate it when I have feelings for a guy. There is simply nothing worse. Whenever I like a guy – every time I like a guy – it means heartache, insecurity, tears, binging, self-harm, anxiety, despair. In other words, for me, men are synonymous with pain. All the worst periods of my life – those darkest, bleakest times where I prayed I wouldn ’t wake up in the morning – came off the back of heartbreak. I keep trying to put him out of my head. It’s ridiculous that I like him. It’s ridiculous that I have NO control over my emotions. How can my heart govern my senses so completely? He’s half Japanese, half English - Eurasian like me, but with more tan and unbelievably incredible green eyes. He’s a petite guy – so not most girls cup of tea – but to me… well… how can I ...

So, it appears that the girls at law school still count me as a friend after my excessive drunkenness last week. But friends - female friends - they come at such a price for the eating disordered... I'm at the college all day, everyday - a lecture first thing in the morning and a workshop last thing in the afternoon - which means that we have a four-hour break in the middle. Since my very first day I've spent these four-hour breaks with a bunch of girls in my lecture group - and while they are really nice and I'm so grateful beyond belief that I made friends so quickly, it's a MASSIVE struggle for me. Having an eating disorder is so easy when you spend most of your time by yourself - no-one gives a damn if you ate and no-one knows any better if you did or you didn't. Having an eating disorder is shit when you have to pretend to be all smiley and normal all day long. It's shit when you have to spend lunchtime with your 'friends' who constantly talk about...

It was the Fresher's Party for my law school a few days ago. You can already tell I fucked it up can't you. I got drunk. I mean annihilated . Threw up everywhere. My new friends... superficial friends - don't like girls that behave like me. I told a girl I was bulimic - after I had to stick two fingers down my throat outside a new London club to get the liquid poison out. "I could tell," she said, "You never eat." I'd be amazed if those girls are still friendly with me on Monday. I hadn't planned on acting like trash, but I hadn't eaten for days and my starving body couldn't take the alcohol ...and as standard, drunk and blacked out from sickness, without a sensation in my body, I ate and ate and ate - until I thought my heart was going to stop - but I wasn't scared. Holly yes, I do believe. I've done it before. I'm doing it again. Stay with me. Be strong, you deserve happiness. The pretty, paper mask is crumbling. But it'...

I'm trying so desperately to be normal. I've started a new life...with new friends...new surroundings... and a new me ...a new me which is a fabrication a lie a wish ...everything I want to be. I've had a couple of full days at law school now. A nice, pleasant, friendly girl. Very NORMAL. Very NICE. I am the girl whose scars you cannot see, I am the girl who won't eat in front of you, I am the girl who desperately wants to pull out her pocket mirror every 5 minutes but struggles to keep the monster at bay, because I don't want anyone to know she exists. I don't want to be the girl with the disorder. I don't want to be the monster. My body is the weakest it has been in a long time. I'm not sure how much longer it can take. It's scary, but I have to be realistic. I'm fucking fragile right now. I press my hands to my forehead and I can feel my cold skull breaking through my papery skin. I can't eat tomorrow. I almost fainted throwing up today. A...