Saturday, 31 October 2009

Heading towards the light

It has, generally, been a very good week. I averaged at about 600 calories every day. Well, until last night and today – where I hit about 2000 in some relief binging – or whatever. Yes I am pissed off at myself. But no, I am not going to binge and moan and binge some more. I had a good week. Overall.
I had a week off from law school so I was on a work experience placement at a law firm in my favourite part of the City. Oh I had forgotten how wonderful it is to feel hungry!! Constantly fighting away that constant twist inside with a smile of delight.
Oh my God I’m shrinking! Visibly - I can see it!
I went right back to the glorious days when I was 15 - exactly the same diet - Half a sandwich at lunch, half a sandwich at dinner, and a piece of chicken/fish with vegetables/fruit. Gloriiiiiious!
I can't believe it, I'm finally getting back to the way I once was.

So yes, today I ate – two whole actual meals – and biscuits – and then threw up twice. Now I was NOT bulimic when I was 15 – I never, ever ate enough - so clearly I’m not completely back to the good old days yet – (isn’t it weird how I need to regress to progress). But you know, progress IS being made. Oh my God.
I keep running my hands over my body, feeling the bones, beautiful, beautiful bones, resurfacing again. Oh my God I AM going to get there.
I was sitting in my jeans yesterday and they were SO baggy around the crotch area – I couldn’t believe it! I pulled the waistband and was astonished – it didn’t sit snugly anymore.

Monday sees me return to college… and the beautiful boy will be there.
He hasn’t left my thoughts since we were out last Thursday. It’s annoying and ridiculous because I know I’m just convincing myself that I am crazy about him now. And these feelings are not good. Not, not good. Although… it does make me want to lose more weight… faster.
Damn. I don’t want to see him. Why oh why do I have to like him?! Nothing’s even happened and I’m already stressed and miserable!

And Friday – well, Friday…
On Friday I will return to University for a Dinner Night with my old society. We had a Dinner Night every year and all the old graduates would return to see everyone– so now it’s time for my old graduated face to return.
I’m excited obviously. I’m going to see all my best friends from uni and get to catch up with what they’ve been doing, but most importantly, I want to go to show everyone how well I’m doing. I want them to see a successful, stunning girl, living the life in London. Moved on from them and their binge drinking and eating, moved on from the slimy boys and slutty girls, moved on to something better, something thinner, something more sensational. Ha. I am such a little-miss-stuck-up-bitch. What nice person thinks like this? And of course many of my old lovers will be there – and clearly it is very, very important that their eyes pop out of their heads when they see me. I want them to see just how far out of their league I am now.
Because it’s true: I have moved on. I’m very happy now I’m back in London, now I’m on a good track, moving towards a good career, with good people, good routine, good vibes, good vision. At uni, I was just a messed up, self-loathing bulimic stumbling through each day. And I really fucked up. I could never have been in control and restricting like this at uni. It was just too fucked up there.

Anyway. I want to lose half a stone by Friday.
I know, insane right. But, if I eat like 200ish calories a day or less until then, it could be done… right? Man, all I know is that I’m a stone lighter than when I left uni.
…HOLY CRAP did you hear that?!? I’m a stone lighter than when I was at the last Dinner Night earlier this year.
I mean that’s amazing, really, but… it’s not enough. I want another half a stone gone in a week. And I will starve until I faint and use laxatives until I crumble with pain if that’s what it takes.

Because I will turn up at that Dinner Night and make people see: Ophelia Won.




Darling girls and boys. Believe. Have faith. STAY STRONG. Because we sure as hell can win this battle. I genuinely didn’t believe I’d beat the binging and purging.
I predicted in April… ‘In November the rain is grey…’
I didn’t think I’d ever get back to bones and happiness.
But I’m fucking getting there. It’s November tomorrow and there’s no grey. Its going to be very, very L-I-G-H-T :)

Ophelia x x x

8 comments:

  1. You're NOT crazy to want to be extra skinny when you see your old uni friends. I think any woman wants that, but only the anas can do it with any success. You sound like you're doing fantastically! People's jaws should drop when you walk into your Dinner Night. Stay strong!

    xo

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  2. Ha! Being nice or bitchy has little, if nothing, to do with wanting the best for yourself and wanting to do better than "slimy guys and slutty girls." It's a great motivator. I mean, if you wanted to be just like them, you wouldn't have to try very hard, and what good would that do you?
    I hope you keep your aspirations for yourself as high as you can. Nothing annoys me more than a whiny girl with no hope and no goals.

    Be fucking fabulous, my dear. Don't let anything get in your way.

    -Summer

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  3. yay yay YAY you gorgeous thing!!

    I've had a horrible week, but its Monday tomorrow and I'm going to have a good week too. A whole freaking stone since they last saw you? That's wondrous! Another half stone is entirely doable and you will be an awe inspiring vision!

    Best of luck!

    xx

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  4. How many calories are there in grossly vast Papa John's pizzas matched by early episodes of 'Teachers' and mid-'80s Depeche Mode records?

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  5. wow u are simply amazing.... i wish i could be u. i still go through the binge moan binge marathon, sometimes i feel like i stopped caring about being thin. i bet u look absolutely thin and gorgeous right now, and i bet the half-half japanese boy at the law school already recognized u...

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  6. Oh darling, you are amazing! And shrinking! You're such a thinspiration to me; thank you! i'm sure you'll lose that half a stone without difficulties. Just keep up your good work.

    And OMG I LOVE KEIRA KNIGHTLEY! Lol. She is one of my ultimate thinspos.

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  7. never EVER apologize for being fabulous. We work hard for who we want to be, and if other people get jealous/envious, that's not your problem. Show your friends from uni how amazing you are, and how much you've changed as a person-- it's a powerful thing.

    glad to see you're better spirits, i too will be meeting up with friends from uni again...and it's a good thing too because most of them have gained weight since graduating (even the one time models!).

    vindication is the best drug ever.

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