Saturday, 24 October 2009

Too much voltage

I’ve fallen for the most beautiful guy.
And nothing hurts more.
I’ve still got the scars from the last time I fell… all the times I have fallen.
My heart is aching - more than the tearing muscles in my over-exercised legs.

I hate it when I have feelings for a guy. There is simply nothing worse. Whenever I like a guy – every time I like a guy – it means heartache, insecurity, tears, binging, self-harm, anxiety, despair.
In other words, for me, men are synonymous with pain.
All the worst periods of my life – those darkest, bleakest times where I prayed I wouldn’t wake up in the morning – came off the back of heartbreak.

I keep trying to put him out of my head. It’s ridiculous that I like him. It’s ridiculous that I have NO control over my emotions. How can my heart govern my senses so completely?


He’s half Japanese, half English - Eurasian like me, but with more tan and unbelievably incredible green eyes. He’s a petite guy – so not most girls cup of tea – but to me… well… how can I put it…
I was standing in the queue with my friends waiting to get into a posh club in London, and suddenly I see him crossing the road towards us: And my jaw dropped.

Never in my whole life has my jaw dropped at the sight of a guy – and I’ve been with some stunners. He simply took my breath away. There’s something so irresistible about him to me – and just me.
All I wanted to do was kiss him. I wanted to feel the rush of the electricity when two charged sparks connected.
My God, it hurts.

He’s in my lecture group and obviously I’ve spoken to him before and was attracted to him since we met. But last night was just too much voltage – my emotions were scorching– I fell so completely – old wounds burning.

And now I have to be conscious that he’s around every day I’m in college.
And I have to look great.
Even if he doesn’t like me.
ESPECIALLY if he doesn’t like me.

And he will never like me.

I can tell you the story now, even before I come back to this blog in tears to write it:
He turns me down, he avoids me, he pulls another girl I know, he doesn’t like me, doesn’t want me. Not me, not me, not me - never me.

I'm shrinking at a good, steady pace but I can't afford to let a guy make me lose control and binge. I'm pretty, but I'm not beautiful. Most of my podge has gone, but I'm not skinny. I may look good compared to average girls, but my thighs are still far too muscular, my butt is as round as Marylin Monroe's, my upper arms are actually still fat, my face is still round, and I still have about 30 pounds to lose! You need to be a waif to pull off TRUE glamour. I want to be one of the sensational, stunning London girls, striding through the classiest clubs all long limbs, cheekbones and flowing hair.
I am never going to let anyone stand in my way of that goal. I cannot have feelings for this guy. I have got to let go of all my weaknesses. He is a weakness. All men are a weakness. I will not let my body fall victim to the abuse of men. You can't let emotions rule you if you want to be successful. Men have always distracted me, kept me unbalanced and unhappy - they kept me unfocused and unable to control myself.
I WILL BE UNDERWEIGHT.

Someone can only hurt you if you have feelings for them.
I’ve fallen, against my will.
Instead of buzzing with happiness and excitement, I feel cold and sad and sick inside from fear.
I fell.
I’m waiting for the aching desire to turn to hollow pain.


I’m waiting for him to hurt me.


.

P.S. Thanks for all the supportive comments on the last post. It was so comforting to know so many of you understood. I am trying to get back to all of you, bear with me. You guys are my lifeline in a world where I have to be so fake to fit in.

.

8 comments:

  1. "You need to be a waif to pull off TRUE glamour. I want to be one of the sensational, stunning London girls, striding through the classiest clubs all long limbs, cheekbones and flowing hair... You can't let your emotions rule you if you want to be successful."

    Oh my God Ophelia I can't even tell you how hard that's hit me.


    Seven stone.

    x x x

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  2. oh sweetness. I'm sorry I haven't been here. It's horrible that you can't experience what should be the joy of pure physical and emotional wanting of another person... you know that I only want the best for you and it hurts me when you're hurting, especially when I've been neglecting your posts :(

    It kills me that I'm in the same city as you now!

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  3. looks like we're in the same boat. At least you controlled your intake without completely going haywire. I wish I could do the same =)

    So what do you do?

    I wish I had the answer. As much as it hurts now, it's all the more reason to stick to our goals and become absolutely skinny. So much so that the attention is on us, and perhaps, one day, we will be the definition of "true glamour".

    Thank you for the kind words, but I don't I am the one "he can't have". So feelings of empowerment are...well...not there. Thanks anyway, it was nice reading that bit =)

    xx

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  4. I really do adore your writing.
    I want the same level of thin as you, and I definitely understand the feeling of being at the level you're at... I'm basically at the same level.
    Good luck with your boy dearie.
    I know what it's like... The heartbreak and being freaked out my a relationship... But sometimes things work out, so you never know.

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  5. i feel the same with guys... i don't know if it's the consequence of my self-insecurity, but i think i've now prohibited myself from having feelings for anyone. i have enough emotional issues on my own that i don't need additional people to add onto my emotional flux -- which will end up in more dieting-binging-purging marathon...... but u sound like u have better control of urself than me.

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  6. The classiest clubs are also the shittiest clubs. Come to the East End and everyone will love you for who you are (via hipster pretentions).

    trustyourtechnolust.blogspot.com

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  7. Ah, I read the part where you described him and my heart skipped a beat for a moment. The guy I like is a quarter Japanese, and he has the most amazing green eyes, so for a second I thought there was a connection somehow, haha.

    Don't give up so soon. Good luck :)

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  8. I wanted to email you just now, but I can't find an email address for you on the site :(

    I'm at savory1sick@gmail...

    ReplyDelete

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)