And nothing hurts more.
I’ve still got the scars from the last time I fell… all the times I have fallen.
My heart is aching - more than the tearing muscles in my over-exercised legs.
I hate it when I have feelings for a guy. There is simply nothing worse. Whenever I like a guy – every time I like a guy – it means heartache, insecurity, tears, binging, self-harm, anxiety, despair.
In other words, for me, men are synonymous with pain.
All the worst periods of my life – those darkest, bleakest times where I prayed I wouldn’t wake up in the morning – came off the back of heartbreak.
I keep trying to put him out of my head. It’s ridiculous that I like him. It’s ridiculous that I have NO control over my emotions. How can my heart govern my senses so completely?
He’s half Japanese, half English - Eurasian like me, but with more tan and unbelievably incredible green eyes. He’s a petite guy – so not most girls cup of tea – but to me… well… how can I put it…
I was standing in the queue with my friends waiting to get into a posh club in London, and suddenly I see him crossing the road towards us: And my jaw dropped.
Never in my whole life has my jaw dropped at the sight of a guy – and I’ve been with some stunners. He simply took my breath away. There’s something so irresistible about him to me – and just me.
All I wanted to do was kiss him. I wanted to feel the rush of the electricity when two charged sparks connected.
My God, it hurts.
He’s in my lecture group and obviously I’ve spoken to him before and was attracted to him since we met. But last night was just too much voltage – my emotions were scorching– I fell so completely – old wounds burning.
And now I have to be conscious that he’s around every day I’m in college.
And I have to look great.
Even if he doesn’t like me.
ESPECIALLY if he doesn’t like me.
And he will never like me.
I can tell you the story now, even before I come back to this blog in tears to write it:
He turns me down, he avoids me, he pulls another girl I know, he doesn’t like me, doesn’t want me. Not me, not me, not me - never me.
I'm shrinking at a good, steady pace but I can't afford to let a guy make me lose control and binge. I'm pretty, but I'm not beautiful. Most of my podge has gone, but I'm not skinny. I may look good compared to average girls, but my thighs are still far too muscular, my butt is as round as Marylin Monroe's, my upper arms are actually still fat, my face is still round, and I still have about 30 pounds to lose! You need to be a waif to pull off TRUE glamour. I want to be one of the sensational, stunning London girls, striding through the classiest clubs all long limbs, cheekbones and flowing hair.
I am never going to let anyone stand in my way of that goal. I cannot have feelings for this guy. I have got to let go of all my weaknesses. He is a weakness. All men are a weakness. I will not let my body fall victim to the abuse of men. You can't let emotions rule you if you want to be successful. Men have always distracted me, kept me unbalanced and unhappy - they kept me unfocused and unable to control myself.
I WILL BE UNDERWEIGHT.
Someone can only hurt you if you have feelings for them.
I’ve fallen, against my will.
Instead of buzzing with happiness and excitement, I feel cold and sad and sick inside from fear.
I’m waiting for the aching desire to turn to hollow pain.
I’m waiting for him to hurt me.
P.S. Thanks for all the supportive comments on the last post. It was so comforting to know so many of you understood. I am trying to get back to all of you, bear with me. You guys are my lifeline in a world where I have to be so fake to fit in.