Sunday, 4 October 2009

I'm fine

I'm trying so desperately to be normal.
I've started a new life...with new surroundings...
and a new me
...a new me which is a fabrication
a lie
a wish
...everything I want to be.

I've had a couple of full days at law school now.
A nice, pleasant, friendly girl.
Very NICE.

I am the girl whose scars you cannot see,
I am the girl who won't eat in front of you,
I am the girl who desperately wants to pull out her pocket mirror every 5 minutes
but struggles to keep the monster at bay,

because I don't want anyone to know she exists.
I don't want to be the girl with the disorder.
I don't want to be the monster.

My body is the weakest it has been in a long time.
I'm not sure how much longer it can take.
It's scary, but I have to be realistic. I'm fucking fragile right now. I press my hands to my forehead and I can feel my cold skull breaking through my papery skin.
I can't eat tomorrow.
I almost fainted throwing up today.
And then I ate. about 2000 calories.
I won't eat tomorrow and I won't even feel hungry.
I won't sleep.
I'll walk 6 miles. I'll do 100 sit-ups.
Keep going. I won't stop.
Working, writing, making notes in pretty colours, asking questions in class with a massive smile on my face because I'm the nice, normal girl in your class at law school.

Hello, my name is Ophelia...

I'm fine...
how are you?


  1. This post was beautifully written and incredibly articulate.

    Treat yourself well Ophelia. You sound trapped.

    I could be wrong, of course. just sayin'.

    Stay Strong

  2. You write beautifully. I hope things go better tomorrow

  3. Your posts are always so stark and so honest. Of course, this is an odd thing to say about someone who puts on a facade everywhere but here.
    It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:

    "Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth."

    You put on an act for everyone who can see you, and people who have never met you know you so well.

    I wish you anything that might make you feel better.

  4. This is powerful. I can relate in so many ways. It's interesting to live 2 lives: the public life that displays my inspired, sociable, happy, bouncy self and the private, obsessed, stubborn, anorexic, purging, raging self. Reading this is very comforting because I don't feel so alone. Thank you, Ophelia.

  5. So beautifully written.
    I feel the same way... except the fragile part. I only wish i was fragile. I hope you feel better though, hunny.

  6. I adore your writing and how I relate so intensely.

  7. hope you ok hunni. just keep smiling and focus on ya school work :) stay strong!

  8. Wonderfully written....I think a lot of people can relate to this...

    ..including myself.





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