Sunday, 4 October 2009

I'm fine

I'm trying so desperately to be normal.
I've started a new life...with new friends...new surroundings...
and a new me
...a new me which is a fabrication
a lie
a wish
...everything I want to be.



I've had a couple of full days at law school now.
A nice, pleasant, friendly girl.
Very NORMAL.
Very NICE.



I am the girl whose scars you cannot see,
I am the girl who won't eat in front of you,
I am the girl who desperately wants to pull out her pocket mirror every 5 minutes
but struggles to keep the monster at bay,



because I don't want anyone to know she exists.
I don't want to be the girl with the disorder.
I don't want to be the monster.


My body is the weakest it has been in a long time.
I'm not sure how much longer it can take.
It's scary, but I have to be realistic. I'm fucking fragile right now. I press my hands to my forehead and I can feel my cold skull breaking through my papery skin.
I can't eat tomorrow.
I almost fainted throwing up today.
And then I ate. about 2000 calories.
I won't eat tomorrow and I won't even feel hungry.
I won't sleep.
I'll walk 6 miles. I'll do 100 sit-ups.
Keep going. I won't stop.
Working, writing, making notes in pretty colours, asking questions in class with a massive smile on my face because I'm the nice, normal girl in your class at law school.

Hello, my name is Ophelia...

I'm fine...
how are you?






11 comments:

  1. This post was beautifully written and incredibly articulate.

    Treat yourself well Ophelia. You sound trapped.

    I could be wrong, of course. just sayin'.

    Stay Strong
    XO
    (((HUGS)))

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  2. You write beautifully. I hope things go better tomorrow

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  3. Your posts are always so stark and so honest. Of course, this is an odd thing to say about someone who puts on a facade everywhere but here.
    It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:

    "Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth."

    You put on an act for everyone who can see you, and people who have never met you know you so well.

    I wish you anything that might make you feel better.

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  4. This is powerful. I can relate in so many ways. It's interesting to live 2 lives: the public life that displays my inspired, sociable, happy, bouncy self and the private, obsessed, stubborn, anorexic, purging, raging self. Reading this is very comforting because I don't feel so alone. Thank you, Ophelia.

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  5. So beautifully written.
    I feel the same way... except the fragile part. I only wish i was fragile. I hope you feel better though, hunny.

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  6. I adore your writing and how I relate so intensely.
    *hugs*

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  7. hope you ok hunni. just keep smiling and focus on ya school work :) stay strong!

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  8. Wonderfully written....I think a lot of people can relate to this...

    ..including myself.

    (HUGS)

    xo

    Emily

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