I'm trying to work out exactly where my life went from bulimic, dull, law-student to starving, vivacious, teenager... (again)....
...Oh that was it, meeting D and deciding to stay at ''the Club'' and socialise with them...
I am back to being the crazy, drunk, fun-loving girl I was at University (as a result of being a member of "the Club'' at university.)
Ohh I managed to resist the temptations of a lustful life for so long! I came to London and law school with such good intentions! I even came to "the Club'' in London with good intentions - to be boring, and do my job and go home! I avoided all men and all alcohol.
(If you read all my old posts back, you'll see, if it hadn't been for me sleeping with Hugh last week, I'd be about to hit a one year dry spell in the sex department!)
But now, men and lust and alcohol are back in my life with a vengeance - reminding me just how much I missed them. And my flirty, hedonistic personality are feeding off them passionately - giving my best Scarlett O'Hara impression to the full.
Now... this is going to sound insane.
And I can't believe I'm writing it.
On Tuesday, after our weekly meeting, there was a massive Club social.
I went home with D.
I WENT HOME WITH D!!
Hahahaha! But wait. It's a confusing story... so let me explain...
Now, I know you all said to keep a low profile and let it blow over, but I knew it was going to be a big event - and I knew Hugh was going to be there. (I assumed Rowan and D would also be there... but Hugh was the target - just for sex you understand. I haven't fallen for him or anything.)
As it turns out, things at the Club blow over pretty quickly. There was a lot of banter and cruel jokes and jibes, but hey, it seems they are pretty forgiving - one or two girls still look straight through me, but generally, I think scandal has passed pretty easily.
So, Hugh, Hugh... typical. I don't really mind, I sort of half expected it I suppose... I mean, I know it was just 100% casual, and like I say, I haven't fallen for him or anything so it's ok. He didn't ignore me exactly - he's not shy or pathetic - but it was literally as if nothing had happened. Just a casual brief chat while I'm with some others, ''Hello Ophelia, how are you, good, excellent, good, good,' and off he went.
D was nowhere to be seen most of the time, or he was in his tight little group of high-ranking third year boys. Sigh. Why do I find it so hard to corner him.
I spent most of the evening talking to some of the boys in my year. I looked my absolute best again (as is always necessary when I'm at the Club to be honest). I hadn't eaten a thing and was wearing a tight, sexy red dress which showed off my flat tummy to perfection. My biggest problem at the moment are still my thunderous legs... oh... whatever, I still need to lose SO much more... I'm getting so close now... so close...
Anyway, late on into the evening I managed to catch D and another boy outside talking, so I went up to them and briefly joined in. I was rather drunk, so I don't remember much of the conversation, but no doubt I was putting on a great show of confidence and charm - the full Scarlett O'Hara act.
I didn't see him again until closing time... where I bumped into him at the bar and basically exclaimed with joy, "D!!!!" and gave him a massive hug. I then started to talk a load of bubbly chat... about something... but oh, well he was talking to me! We all left at closing time, and I found myself standing outside... I could see Hugh on the other side of the road, he wasn't coming for me... and D just beside me, talking to Rowan and some others. I pretended to be texting on my phone... and then he came over, gave me his arm and we started walking, following behind Rowan, his flatmate and Rowan's fuckbuddy. We got into a taxi and got out at Rowans... at which point they bid me and D goodbye..
I looked at him, and we started walking.
We both knew I was going back to his: he didn't have to ask, I didn't have to ask.
In bed we chatted for a while (again I have trouble recalling what the conversations were about). One part I do remember was when he asked me who I'd slept with at the Club... and he told me he thought I had slept with Hugh and Rowan. I pretended I hadn't heard him say Hugh and then proceeded to vehemently deny sleeping with Rowan (well, because I haven't). And then we chatted some more... about random things...
Unfortunately, I told him, "You're the reason I stayed at the Club... you have no idea do you? you have no idea how much I like you... I facebook stalk you...why don't you ever talk to me at the Club?"
I don't know, I was drunk, I was bursting with chatter... I just said all those things...
"I thought you just saw me as a friend"
"...I don't see you as a friend."
"Well... what do you see me as then?"
He said nothing.
So I didn't pursue it.
(At the time I took his silence as embarrassment because he sees me as more than a friend and couldn't say it to me... but now in my sobriety and cynicism I fear maybe he sees me as just an acquaintance at the Club, not even a friend...?)
We must have laid there for an hour almost, until, somehow, I found my face close to his, and we were kissing...
Oh God, I want to kiss him again.
It was just like I had imagined it. His warm, strong body; running my hands along his perfectly toned arms... it was the most sensual experience I've had in a long time.
He kissed my body like it was a fragile ornament.
And then, I put a stop to it.
I don't know why I said it, but the words just came out of my mouth: "I'm not a slut."
I want him more than anything... and yet, somehow, I don't regret not sleeping with him...
I'm so confused.
The next morning was another case of acting like nothing had happened.
We had breakfast, chatted some more, he walked me to the station... no kiss, no nothing (even Hugh gave me a tight hug and kiss on the cheek when I left his!)
But the thing is with D - that I finally now fully appreciate - is that he's shit with women. From his own mouth, he told me, he never takes girls home, he never pulls. "That's why Rowan sent you home with me, because I never get laid." (I didn't quite know how to react to that. Rowan sent me home with you?! Rowan instigated this!? ... because Rowan thinks I'm a slut and the easiest way for you to get laid?!?!)
As I ate my toast, he started putting some new tyres on his bike. He looked up at me, "This is what I do instead of getting laid."
(Well, what the hell was I supposed to say to that?) I just laughed as if he were joking. (I don't think he was.)
Then he started talking about another guy at the Club, and how he was really sweet with his girlfriend, and how he felt jealous, and how he thinks that no man could enjoy sleeping around because it doesn't stop them from feeling lonely.
I was confused.
Was he telling me he wanted a girlfriend?
And why was he telling me this?
He wasn't making a move on me.
Even though he knows I like him (unless he thought I was lying/he was so drunk he forget everything that happened last night?!)
He probably never will make a move he's so fucking useless with women.
What am I supposed to do?
What am I supposed to think?
I don't trust him.
I really don't.
I don't know what he wants.
I don't know who he is.
but I know, now I want him more than ANYTHING.
and now, I am so confused
and messed up.
This is a plea: desperately needing advice....
p.s. PLEASE bear with me while I catch up with blogs and commenting. Next week is my week of reading allllll your posts and sending out lots of love! x x x
Hillary Clinton meme
9 months ago