I've been out of control for too long.
I am on the waiting list. Waiting
It has been months since I took that first step into the GP's office and said, quite plainly, 'I am bulimic. I binge and throw up everyday, often several times a day.'
They assessed me and agreed: I'm fucked.
So they wrote the name Ophelia on the end of a line of other names.
And have left me to get on with it.
I know there's nothing more they can do.
the ones I want to save me.
because I can't do it on my own
I wish that you could save me, I wish that more than anything, because I'm so afraid.
It's not going to be Alex;
he's never met the girl that writes this blog. He never will.
I've put on the act far too successfully. I found the winning formula and I crafted a porcelain mask from it - a mask that sits far too comfortably and fits far too well.
Alex would never love Ophelia.
And I would never burden myself upon him, because I know I'd drag him down to the bottom of the river with me.
He's a beautiful, innocent 19 year old. He's happy, charismatic, popular and full of life. He has never known pain and sadness. And it would be incredibly selfish to make him witness mine
'Being sad doesn't suit you, you're so optimistic and vivacious!'
Yes, because I'm lying to you Alex. I am a big, fat lie.
I'm afraid of committing to you. I didn't go skiing because I knew I'd get with another guy. And I knew I'd flirt and flirt with all the ones I was attracted to and lead them on. But I can't avoid attractive men forever... in fact I was up until 4am the other night talking to and consciously flirting with Mark. And I'm meeting him for coffee while you're back in your hometown. You see, it's because you're so far away...
It's the badness of it all that attracts me. Much like it did with Hugh. There's no happiness, security or love there. None of those wonderful things I feel with Alex. But somehow, it makes me feel powerful.
I wish you were here to dry the tears rolling down my face Alex.
But it was you that made me cry.
I was flying high as a kite when I came home - so full of joy and full of hope - so strong and indestructable. And then I spoke to you. And when you left me, I lay on my bed, on top of the sheets, and shut my eyes to stop the tears. But they still came.
Because I know you're going to leave me. Everyone always leaves.
I have to leave you before you leave me.
Because liking you will always hurt. You make me so happy and that's why I hurt.
Because I know you're going to say, 'Now is not a good time for me.' 'I'm away all summer.' 'It's not going to work out.' 'I'm not ready.' 'We're going down different paths.' 'It's just not what I want right now.'
Don't make me happy Alex.
'Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.'
Why is Plath always right.
Hillary Clinton meme
9 months ago