Sunday, 4 April 2010

Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.

I've been out of control for too long.
I am on the waiting list. Waiting
for someone
to
save me

It has been months since I took that first step into the GP's office and said, quite plainly, 'I am bulimic. I binge and throw up everyday, often several times a day.'
They assessed me and agreed: I'm fucked.
So they wrote the name Ophelia on the end of a line of other names.
And have left me to get on with it.
I know there's nothing more they can do.
THEY.
Them...
the ones I want to save me.

because I can't do it on my own


I wish that you could save me, I wish that more than anything, because I'm so afraid.


It's not going to be Alex;
he's never met the girl that writes this blog. He never will.
I've put on the act far too successfully. I found the winning formula and I crafted a porcelain mask from it - a mask that sits far too comfortably and fits far too well.

Alex would never love Ophelia.
And I would never burden myself upon him, because I know I'd drag him down to the bottom of the river with me.
He's a beautiful, innocent 19 year old. He's happy, charismatic, popular and full of life. He has never known pain and sadness. And it would be incredibly selfish to make him witness mine
'Being sad doesn't suit you, you're so optimistic and vivacious!'
Yes, because I'm lying to you Alex. I am a big, fat lie.

I'm afraid of committing to you. I didn't go skiing because I knew I'd get with another guy. And I knew I'd flirt and flirt with all the ones I was attracted to and lead them on. But I can't avoid attractive men forever... in fact I was up until 4am the other night talking to and consciously flirting with Mark. And I'm meeting him for coffee while you're back in your hometown. You see, it's because you're so far away...
It's the badness of it all that attracts me. Much like it did with Hugh. There's no happiness, security or love there. None of those wonderful things I feel with Alex. But somehow, it makes me feel powerful.


I wish you were here to dry the tears rolling down my face Alex.
But it was you that made me cry.
I was flying high as a kite when I came home - so full of joy and full of hope - so strong and indestructable. And then I spoke to you. And when you left me, I lay on my bed, on top of the sheets, and shut my eyes to stop the tears. But they still came.
Because I know you're going to leave me. Everyone always leaves.
I have to leave you before you leave me.
Because liking you will always hurt. You make me so happy and that's why I hurt.
Because I know you're going to say, 'Now is not a good time for me.' 'I'm away all summer.' 'It's not going to work out.' 'I'm not ready.' 'We're going down different paths.' 'It's just not what I want right now.'


Don't make me happy Alex.



'Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.'

Why is Plath always right.

10 comments:

  1. You do not do, you do not do, anymore black shoe.

    daddy i had to kill you, but you died before I had time.

    I think my Plath quotes will never leave my head.

    Anyway blahflahmlah.

    Love. Poor you. Poor Alex. I can't believe you're the name on the bottom of a list. I thought they'd help you.
    Sigh.

    Good luck .
    I send you my love.

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  2. I am too pure for you or anyone.
    Your body hurts me as the world hurts God.

    Oh Sylvia. She takes things that are painfully obvious, shoves it in your face, and says, "I order you to look."

    I'm sorry about the boys and the list and the hell you're going through. Is it cliche to say it will someday get better? Yes?

    Well...someday it will get better and if it doesn't....you can search me out and demand revenge.

    You're braver than you think.

    Love, Sarah

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  3. She. Is . So freaking right.
    I know what you mean....I think of this Joanna Newsom quote "You stopped by; I was all alive. In my doorway, we shucked and jived. And when you wept, I was gone; See, I got gone when I got wise. But I can't with certainty say we survived."

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  4. you might hate me for saying this, but i think that he would love you even more, if he knew who you really were. how could he not?
    much love

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  5. hope you can wait it out and find the help you need. Isn't it sad to think there are so many people out there in need of help that there has to be a waiting list?

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  6. I am in a much similar situation with an Alex of my own right now. That plath quote is so beautiful and true. Thanks for sharing it.
    I really hope you don't have to wait much longer : ( That's horrible that you have to wait to begin with.
    Stays strong beautiful <3

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  7. Plath wasn't always right. There was still a life for her, still beauty in this world... before she went and killed herself. And she just couldn't see it. There was so much more...

    But Ophelia!! It's been too long. Shit... boys. Lewis. Alex. D? It's all so hard! Alex sounds like he could be really really good for you. Someone who doesn't mess you around. Someone who comes over to you the moment you walk in the room... You need that. We need that attention, to feel good about ourselves. And D just didn't give you that. It was too on and off. He would only make you unhappy. But listen. If things don't work out with Alex... don't be too hard on yourself. Please. Remember no guy is worth hurting yourself or binge eating over. Someone else will come along. I promise.

    You are strong. You are so so strong. I so admire your strength, your control, your inner beauty (yes I did just say inner beauty)... just your whole YOU. Despite the crazy eating and self hatred and everything... if all that went away. I would still love you. Lol not that I love you for that - just that that's the part of you which brings us so close. We're so alike in that respect. The way we think of and treat ourselves... I dunno. But what I'm saying is, even without that, we're on the same wavelength. Remember the "personality strike"? I do talk some shit sometimes. Oui oui. But it’s true!

    Sometimes when I read your posts it's like BAM. There I am but five years older, totally intelligent, clearly an amazing writer and living the life in London. :D haha It's just the little things we seem to do... how our nights out seem to go... how life seems to be a constant low but that suddenly a searing hot white high... and how beauty seems to scare and yet somehow soothe us... everything. That's what brings us together. It's just like snap. Ditto right here.

    Whatever happens, we have to stay strong. We have to stand by our beliefs and refuse to let anybody else destroy it for us. You are in control of what you eat. You decide what goes into your body. You are in total control of what you look like. Don't let other peoples opinions and perceptions ruin this for you. Ophelia, I love you more than anything and I will not let anything or anyone ruin this for you. Your life.

    You have to live it. You have to keep going. You have to keep doing it. Keep holding on for something better. Because you WILL get there. It's so hard. It's so hard when our mind and emotions control us... but sometimes you just have to do what's good for your body. Let go of the bad food. That doughy bread and yucky cereal. Go back to plants. Leafy greens are alive. They will give you so much energy. And thinness. Without fasting. Berries and other fruits. Summer's coming. 2010 was the year of success remember?

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  8. This will be success. This will be success like never before. You have to believe it. You have hold onto it and push through. Reading back some of your old posts... when you become a lawyer a part of you won’t die. It won’t! That’ll only be a small part of your life. There’s so much more to it, to you than that. You can be vibrant, vivacious, whole... even whilst you do that. Everyone has to work, everyone has to do something. But it’s just so you can fund the other things you want to do :) You could go to Athens for real this time! You could study Greek mythology if that's what interests you! You can do what the bloody hell you like. There’s a whole world out there!

    Don’t die. Please Ophelia. Don’t let any part of you die. Because I love you, we all love you, for ALL of you. You’re creative, energetic, passionate, so full of frickin... LIFE. Don’t waste it. You have everything going for you. I know it doesn’t feel like that sometimes. But you do. It’s true.

    There are so many people who would kill for your body, to be in your situation, to have your brain, your talent. Don’t let this go.
    You know what you have to do. 7 stone remember? No more disorder, destruction, disaster. Thin, beautiful, clear headed and happy.

    I’ll always be here for you. You know I will.

    I don’t have facebook anymore. I haven’t had facebook for about six months when I decided I was just too fat. I’m not sure I’d go back to it again... It’s so unfair. Girls are under so much pressure to look good. But Ophelia, you have to stay in touch. Stay with me. Keep blogging! I don’t think you have any idea of how many people read and relate. It’s such a relief to know you’re not alone. You’ve helped me more than I can ever tell you.

    Sending you all my love

    Holly x x x



    Wait. I have to ask you something. Don't think too much of this if it means nothing. And if it means everything, don't freak out. But what would you say if I said.. ‘allen’?

    Anyway. xxx

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  9. thanks so much for posting on my blog. i almost thought you were gone. maybe because your blog was the very first one i found once i started blogging, i tend to look to you when i feel so lost. u are so successfully thin. and i want that too. although i don't know what you look like, from you posts and stories, i have this strong vibe that you must be stunning. comment from you gives me motivation - don't know why. thanks so much. hope you never go away ophelia. :) /xo

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  10. ophelia is for someone else in the mirror
    can you describe her for me ?

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Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)