Tuesday, 27 April 2010

"Your body hurts me as the world hurts God"

Facebook says I am 'in a relationship'
with Alex.

So, everyone knows; it's not a secret, it's not being kept quite, it's not a rumour, it's not gossip.
It's there now, in black and white.
Ophelia is in a relationship with Alex

There we go, dear readers, after all the endless posts of turmoil, lust and heartbreak, it's happened.
Ophelia has a boyfriend.

Sweet Jesus.

Tonight I have cried. Uncontrollably weeping on my bedroom floor. Like the Drama Queen I am.
Crying because I know I can't do this.
I can't keep up the act. I can't keep up the lie. I'm trying to think up excuses not to see him this weekend because I am too fat, because I am too sad, because I am in too much pain.

I've been spending almost every other night at his. And this week the cracks have begun to show... I can't keep it up - this happiness thing - it doesn't understand me.

I should be the happiest girl in the world. For I am the luckiest girl in the world. I have the kindest, sweetest, most loyal and faithful boyfriend who is head-over-heels in love with me. And truth be told, yes, I love him just as much.
But every time I leave him, I feel sick and empty. Because every time I leave him I have to step from the bright, free world of love and joy to the dark, sick world of Ophelia. It's like every time I leave I step back into the murky river, swallowed up by the suffocating, muddy water.

It is more than just this world, this reality, which made me cry. It is more:
I have always craved a relationship - because I craved support, love and security.
My posts always stated it
I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to be held in someone's arms.
I want to be held in someone's arms. For comfort. Because they see how much I'm suffering. Because they love me. Because they understand. Because I'm not just a drama queen to them.
I want to be held in someone's arms. I want to be safe. Protected from myself.
I just want to be held in someone's arms.
But there is no-one.

I hated being alone. I hated having no one to turn to...
Now, I have Alex
but
Ophelia does not have someone on the end of the phone.
She cannot call him when the tears are rolling down her face. I cannot put on her voice when I talk to him. I cannot show him the flowers chained around my neck and wrists, pulling me down, drowing me... or rather, he does not have the ability to see them.
I am still just as alone as I was before.
Alex will never make me whole because he does not know what makes up the biggest part of me - my eating disorder, my depression, my anxiety, my BDD.
When he touches my body, he touches bliss, not sadness and sickness.
And all my body is, is quite simply, sadness and sickness.

The house smells of disinfectant:
I dug out my faithful pen knife - unused for so long - and cleaned it, because the craving for fresh wounds had returned.
Alex would be devastated if he saw the neat red marks.


You know, I knew I wouldn't make it through this year at law school. I went to my doctor on the 13th November 2009 and told him so. Nearly six months later, and the year is nearly over. And I am still on the list 'waiting'. I asked for help. I asked for help. And have cried on my own for another six months... and who knows how much longer...

I should be the happiest girl in the world.
And when I lie to myself and to Alex,
I am.


I am so in love with Alex. I know it seems fast. But it's me, it's him, it's the power and the passion and the intensity that burns me up and scorches everything I touch. He said it, I love you. And I know it, I feel it... it hurts me.
The happier he makes me, the more it hurts to leave; the more he loves me, the futher I sink below the water when I'm alone.

Now I have the perfect relationship and perfect man and perfect love, the demons are back inside my head stronger than ever. I've not felt this weak and depressed in a long, long time. I'm struggling.

9 comments:

  1. Everything will turn out ok in the end. Just stay strong, we're here for you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. What is it about life trying to give us happiness that makes us even more miserable? It's like trying to put a bandaid on a broken arm.

    I know how you feel about this...confiding in my guy is what made it better for me. Perhaps it's not the way for you, but if he's as great as you think he is, he'll support you, or at least your need for help.

    ReplyDelete
  3. maybe u feel like u don't deserve the love and that's what's making you feel terrible... but i think u are better, much better, than what you think of yourself. alex is definitely in love with someone who is worthy and u should think of urself that way too. i think u r great.. of course, i've never seen u, but u are my inspiration. i feel like sht most of the times, in fact, every day i wake up, but when u leave a comment on my blog, i feel like i have to be better, i have to be happy, i have to work harder. love him as u do now and try to go with the flow.... that's probably not too helpful but it's all i can say... /xo

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ana is a very jealous friend. She doesn't' like us to have other friends or relationships. At the end of the day, we all have to choose whether we want to be comforted by Ana or by human flesh and blood.

    ReplyDelete
  5. It was hard for me to be happy at first even when I had found the perfect man. Hubby has changed my life though. I still have issues but I can still be with him and be happy. When he is not around I fall apart. Let love in. Let him help make you a better person. Let him love you and want to be better. It's not worth losing it once you find him.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is a very interesting blog and so i like to visit your blog again and again. Keep it up.

    Sharon

    http://www.bukisa.com/articles/272847_exercise-how-powerful-it-really-is

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ophelia please.... Please put the knife down. Don't binge. Please don't binge. Just stay away from that bad food. That food that WILL make you fat. You're not fat... Ophelia he loves you just as you are. Calm down. Listen to me. It's OK. I promise you everything's fine. It'll work out. You won't lose him. Just hold on a little while longer. And then you'll be with him again. Back in his arms. Safe. Secure. Happy...

    You don't have to binge.
    You don't have to throw up.

    Be sad. It's only natural to be sad...

    But please. Don't. Cut. Yourself.



    Go out and walk. Just walk. Walk around. Let off some steam. You need release. Just get out of there. That dark and dangerous place you're in.... and let the feelings go. Let it leave you.

    And then come back. Sit down. Eat a nice leafy green, lettucey salad. Drink some water. Sleep.

    ReplyDelete
  8. i hate facebook status cause as soon as you change it everyone is all "omg"

    maybe he doesnt know right now but if he loves you and you love him and that love is strong enough he will find out and he will help you

    that sucks about the nhs it took me like a month to get help but im still childrens i hope you get it soon before you change your mind

    i think you should spend as much time with alex as possible cause it sounds like when your actually with him your happy
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  9. You need to let people in to your world. Isolation just breeds insanity. I know how hard it is, I sent my entire life feeling like the people close to me didn't know the real me, because they didn't know about my depression, my anxieties, all the dark places in my head. But I ended up letting people in after it became impossible to hide how messed up I was. No one has rejected me, they love me as much as ever, and if anything I am closer with them: friends and parents.

    Look at it this way: what have you got to lose? You feel like you can't maintain this and you will lose him if you try to cut yourself off. If he truly does love you, he will continue to whatever. You feel like you are hiding the biggest part of you from him. Yes it is a part of you, but you are not your ED and your other problems. You are Ophelia. Beautiful and unique. Don't destroy this opportunity. Fight for it.

    Wishing you all the best,

    Elle xx

    ReplyDelete

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