Friday, 2 April 2010

'Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounc'd it to you, trippingly on the tongue'

I don't make any apologies for what I write on this blog.
This is my head - Uncensored
- All the uglyness of my thoughts in beautiful, bleeding words.

Fundamentally, I set up this blog as an interactive diary. I've always written. I've always had to put down everything on paper because I could never tell anyone or trust anyone or burden anyone with what I was feeling and what I needed to express.

Everything I write on this blog is what has happened to me, what I am thinking and what I am experiencing. I do not apologise for it. I do not apologise for sounding selfish or self-obsessed. I do not apologise for seeming shallow or weak. I do not apologise if you dislike me.
Because this is me.
I will never exclude or edit events to make you like me more.
Because I have to do that in my real life everyday.

I could never and would never tell anyone in my real life the depth of my insecurities or the confusion of emotions I feel - because they would judge me and hate me and think I was an attention-seeking headcase.
Everyone likes being around happy, carefree people. So I keep all of my sadness and disorder under wraps... as best I can.

I'm sure you are all no different, but here I can write everything. I'm going to write it and I'm going to post it. Even when I know it's shit that no-one wants to read. It's like letting out all the toxic substances in my body. I can see the words and know that I exist, I'm real, I'm alive - I'm not crazy and I'm not ill. I make sense.

I want to escape from my eating disorder and my sadness; but ultimately, I can't, because more than anything, I want to be thin.


p.s. Someone commented that I'm dependant on living with my mum. Like hell. I don't live with her out of choice. I've spent the last three years at uni living away from home and I'd give anything to get out again. I've supported myself emotionally since I was a child and I continue to do so.


Hamlet:
What's Hecuba to him, or he to Hecuba,
That he should weep for her? What would he do
Had he the motive and the cue for passion
That I have? He would drown the stage with tears,
And cleave the general ear with horrid speech,
Make mad the guilty, and appall the free,
Confound the ignorant, and amaze indeed
The very faculties of eyes and ears.

3 comments:

  1. i wish i could get out of this food-thin-binge misery that i'm in... but ultimately, i want to be thin. that's the only thing that makes me confident and happy... we all have something i guess /xo

    ReplyDelete
  2. With the more followers I gained, the more I wanted to be open and honest in my "interactive diary" because gaining support and finding people who can relate to me makes me feel less lonely. Since I'm not anonymous, I have to edit some things. And the last rude comment I received was from my one blog follower who I know in the real world. It's a bummer, because we build up our blogs to be this sanctuary where people understand us and don't judge us... and then someone pops our bubble and reminds us that our utopian world is just precarious as we hoped it wouldn't be.

    Don't stop being honest. If someone makes a stupid comment, it is always out of ignorance or their own insecurities. If they criticize you and you give into them, then you'll end up being just as meek and vapid as they are.

    You're better than that, and I know that you know it.

    -Summer

    ReplyDelete
  3. You have a unique and beautiful way with words. I feel as if I am right there with you.

    Come visit our blog! And comment please, we love comments :)
    http://ivyandhaley.blogspot.com

    Ivy

    ReplyDelete

Don't be anonymous, leave a name at least so I can identify you back :)